Everyone has their own measures for a successful relationship and what they consider to be green flags and red flags in the relationship.
Unfortunately, the red flags sometimes stay hidden until it feels like it’s too late to end the relationship, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor mourningglory was in the process of moving his girlfriend and her son into his home, and they had the intentions of being to try to conceive a child.
But when he started to catch hints of how she felt about his trans brother who was also living with him, the Original Poster (OP) began to question the future of their relationship.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend that my loyalties lie with my baby brother?”
The OP recently accepted his younger brother into his home to try to help him.
“My little brother recently moved in with me. It was a huge shock at first; my brother, Will (17 Male).”
“I (34 Male) had no idea he was trans or even questioning his gender. He always seemed perfectly happy as a girl, y’know, he was very feminine-presenting and all.”
“As it turns out, he came out to our parents after getting his hair cut, and they didn’t take it well in the slightest.”
“From what he’s told me, he wasn’t exactly kicked out, they just started being unbearable. They were calling him ‘Myla’ in every sentence they said (just to annoy him, I suppose), Mum kept booking him in for appointments to get hair extensions and his lashes done, our dad didn’t let him wear the male uniform to sixth form, and so on.”
“It got so bad that he literally took a train from down south to up the north to ask if he could live with me. Of course, I said yes. The house is big enough to have him live there, there are four bedrooms and an attic room.”
But the OP’s girlfriend didn’t take the new roommate situation very well.
“My girlfriend, Nico (32 Female) was irritated when she found out. We’ve discussed her moving in before Will came, and now she’s telling me that she will not move in until Will leaves.”
“I’ve explained to her that Will isn’t a child we’d have to constantly supervise, that if anything he’s the one making the place more liveable (he’s very insistent on adding on to the home decor and so on, as well as being better than me at cleaning), and that the house is large enough to still have privacy even with him around.”
“Nico’s argued that it’s not truly ‘ours’ if Will is always there, that we won’t be able to start trying to conceive, that she’s not willing to live with a ‘hormonal and rebellious’ teenager, and that she’s just flat out uncomfortable with Will being near her and living with her and her son (10 Male) in the same home.”
Nico’s concerns started to divide the relationship and the family.
“Ultimately, I’ve told her that my loyalties lie with my baby brother, who is homeless and vulnerable, unlike the grown woman with a good-paying job and a home of her own.”
“She’s called my mum up to complain about it, and she’s said that I was in the wrong for prioritizing Will.”
“Will himself said that he doesn’t want to be ‘causing problems’ in my relationship.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned or were disgusted by the OP’s girlfriend’s skewed motivations.
“NTA, I love that you are protecting your brother. Have to say I’m rather confused that your girlfriend has a younger child to look after and expects you to welcome that child, but can’t extend the same to you AND goes running to your unaccepting parents to make you toe the line.” – Summer-Sunbeam
“Whether it has to do with his gender identity or not, your girlfriend is telling you that a minor over whom she feels protective is more important than a minor over whom you feel protective because of technicalities.”
“They’re both underage, they’re both in need of love, support, and guidance, and they’re both family. She doesn’t care that he’s actually helpful; she cares that she’s not going to have the perfect nuclear family she envisioned RIGHT NOW.”
“She thinks her comfort is more important than your brother’s safety, and that’s fu*king atrocious. She’s willing to let someone you love go back to being abused and mistreated because ‘she doesn’t like it.'”
“Tell her to f**k off.” – MurphysRazor
“Why would she be uncomfortable? Annoyed, yeah ok. Irritated, sure. But uncomfortable? And she called his mom to show reason to OP, the woman who was so transphobic she made the OP’s brother feel the need to move away.”
“I’m sure she’s lovely in other aspects, I love to think good of people, but this would be a big red flag for me.”
“I would have to decide if this was the type of person I’d want in my family. Or to have a child with. If our child decided to transition, would they be uncomfortable with them? I hope OP doesn’t let this slide and sees it for what we see.” – bettyannveronica
“My generous interpretation? She doesn’t have a lot of or any experience with teenagers. Maybe she associates teens with 14- to 15-year-olds and thinks that’s what she will be dealing with? As a teacher who teaches freshmen (ages 14 to 15), it can be a lot. That still doesn’t excuse her behavior, but if you haven’t had experience with that age group, it’s easy to mess up expectations.”
“What has me doubting my generous interpretation is that she contacted Will’s mom. Why complain to parents that basically kicked their kid out? If I would be calling them, it would be to tell them to stop being s**tty parents, but that’s me.” – sreydenk
“First, make sure that your bro knows he is not in any way causing problems.”
“I just want to point out that your girlfriend also said that the house won’t truly be ‘ours.’ Your house is not at all hers. It is yours, and you can invite whoever you want to live there.”
“It is yours, and you’re allowing her to live there with her child. I really hope she’s paying her half.”
“Sorry, but I’d never let her move in with that attitude alone. Nevermind her attitude toward your brother. Might want to put the brakes on the conceiving.”
“Oh, and calling your mom? That shows me that she really didn’t care when you told her, if you told her, what was going on between your parents and your bro. She just thought if your parents and her put enough pressure on you, you’d cave. But we know you won’t because you’re a good person who loves his brother.” – mentalcomposer
Others pointed out the transphobic vibes they picked up on in the post.
“Okay, I can’t be the only one who picked up on it.”
“Your girlfriend is uncomfortable having your little brother around her and her child.”
“And you’re not getting transphobic vibes here?”
“Well, I am, all the way from across the pond.”
“Look, I’m just a random internet stranger, and I’m not comfortable having a transphobe around Will.”
“Here’s hoping you see the light and kick her to the curb where she belongs.”
“NTA.” – 5footfilly
“I’m getting strong transphobic vibes from the girlfriend. OP is great for standing by his brother, who is as much his family as his girlfriend’s son is hers. Keep the brother, ditch the girlfriend.”
“OP’s parents also suck. They can go f**k themselves, along with my parents, and anyone else who treats anyone badly because of race/sex/gender/orientation/religion etc.” – StraightArachnid
“The fact that she doesn’t want him around her son is a big red flag. I definitely got the feeling she thought he would do something to her son, which is a transphobic position. Is Will gay or into women? Just asking because if he was feminine while afab, it is possible your girlfriend is projecting that means he is a danger to her son, which is also a bigoted position.” – bullzeye1983
“Using someone’s correct name and pronouns is the bare minimum. Tolerating trans people isn’t the same as supporting them. Maybe you need to sit down with her and sort out which of those two sides she’s on. And hopefully, you make the right choice from there.” – squirrelygirly412
“I want you to know how amazing you are.”
“My older sister is trans and is completely cut off from our entire family. I’m the only family member who is still a part of her life. It blows me away that they would cut her off since she is a great person. I was the first person she came out to, and I immediately just wanted to protect her from what was going to happen.”
“It makes me so happy to know that you have the same reaction and are willing to be there for your brother.”
“P.S. Sadly, your girlfriend is likely transphobic.” – SmallPurplePeopleEater
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in another post.
“Will is moving back home to our parents. It was something that I can’t say really came out of the blue as my parents have been ringing and texting, trying to convince him to come back, h**l, they even involved his sixth form. It still surprised me nonetheless.”
“He let me know that he’s planning to go back home next Monday. He said that he thinks the two, almost three, weeks of living with me have probably let our parents calm down about the situation; plus, he’s missing his boyfriend and is worried about totally messing up his education. I’ve been trying to convince him to stay, but he’s adamant that he’ll deal.”
“I was surprised, I can’t lie; we’ve been trying to resolve the education issue by trying to find a sixth form near us to enroll him in. I think it’s a rash decision, it’s even making him ill, he’s been throwing up and he’s got rings around his eyes like he’s barely sleeping.”
“In regards to Nico, we haven’t broken up. I’ve been distant with her, and in all honesty, I’m unsure of how to carry on. She’s insistent she has no issue with Will being trans, but I don’t know how well I can trust her.”
“She dropped by yesterday afternoon to give Will some old CDs that she thought he might enjoy, I guess to extend an olive branch, but neither of us is too keen on her moving in yet.”
Based on the comments, the subReddit likely wouldn’t be too happy to hear that Nico was still in the picture, given the vibes they had picked up from the OP’s initial posting. Fortunately, the OP still had time to make a decision about whether to continue the relationship and to let her move in and whether or not he could convince his younger brother to continue to live with him.