One of the fun aspects of dating is in those early weeks and months when feelings run high and the couple is excited to spend as much time together as possible and get to know each other better.
But sometimes once the relationship starts to get more serious, something will be revealed that could be a potential dealbreaker, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
After they started to get serious with their girlfriend and talked about moving in together, Redditor Dangerous_Sink_374 was surprised when their girlfriend started lying about how long they’d been together.
Because she had never behaved like this before, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what this said for their relationship.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend to stop saying things that aren’t true about us?”
The OP was looking forward to taking the next step with their girlfriend.
“So my girlfriend and I have been dating for seven months (we are both in our late 20s), and things have been going well! This issue however has been our first argument so to speak.”
“In the past month or so, we’ve been getting serious, and talking about moving in together.”
But then the OP’s girlfriend started displaying some questionable behavior.
“Not sure if this was the catalyst for this behavior but I digress.”
“I’ve noticed if we are out in public, my girlfriend will tell little white lies to strangers and such.”
“For instance, we were out walking my dog, and a couple asked if they could pet him.”
“We said yes, and that led to them asking how old he was and if he was a shelter dog, blah blah blah.”
“Before I could even pipe up, my girlfriend stepped in and said, ‘Oh well, we got him several years ago and he’s just been the best dog to cuddle with over the years, and my life wouldn’t be the same if we hadn’t adopted him.'”
“Another example. We went to a restaurant that I enjoy going to and struck up a conversation with a new bartender, and she said that this place was our date night place for several years.”
The OP felt conflicted about the lies.
“They are lies. I mean, they’re not a huge deal, as they aren’t hurting anyone, but for some reason, this just irks me to no end.”
“I asked her why she felt the need to do this because it bugged me a bit.”
“She said it wasn’t a big deal and that she just wanted to feel included in my previous life.”
“She also said that even though my ex and I adopted my dog together, it’s her dog now, and telling strangers this makes her feel better??”
“I was nice but asked her to please not do that anymore as it makes me uncomfortable.”
“She agreed to stop but said I was blowing it out of proportion and being an a**hole over something small. She’s since been pouty all day.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some tried to reassure the OP that this didn’t need to be a big issue.
“NAH if my assumption is correct that your girlfriend has a little bit of social anxiety.”
“When in social situations I’m not comfortable in, I find myself telling white lies that make my life seem more stable and put together, rather than telling the unvarnished truth even though in hindsight I realize nobody would have thought less of me if I’d told the truth.” – kroxigor01
“NAH. It’s fine to be irked, as it is a little weird. However, I think people here are catastrophizing; it’s not really a big deal or indicative of ‘bunny boiling’ behavior. I think maybe she’s a little insecure now that you guys are getting more serious.”
“A commitment is also an investment, so maybe she just needs more reassurance than normal.”
“I’m sure you’re doing everything to give her that security, but maybe try a couple of extra special things to show how serious you are.”
“Then when she lies, rather than saying it annoys you, try ‘I know we’ve only been together seven months, but it feels like forever. At the same time, I don’t think you need to embellish the truth, let’s just make sure we make our own really great memories together!'” – johnthestarr
“NAH. I often tell lies to avoid having to explain my life or expose something I’m self-conscious about. I dog-sit a lot and if I get talking to strangers, I’ll make up parts of my life or the dog’s life just to make the conversation smoother. Other times I might say my apartment is nicer than it really is or pretend like I have dietary restrictions just so I don’t have to listen to people’s judgment on my choices.”
“Her pretending that you adopted the dog together keeps the adoption timeline correct, but leaves out the ex-girlfriend part, which she is probably self-conscious about. If you’re very serious at seven months, it’s easier and more acceptable to say you’ve been dating for a long time (because it implies a high level of seriousness) than to say you’ve been dating for a short time but have moved quickly.”
“The bartender immediately understood that you two were serious and didn’t have to hear the whole story of why you’d gotten serious so quickly. I really don’t think she’s being deceptive in a bad way, it might just be a habit of giving responses that don’t lead to the conversation going somewhere that feels too personal to her.” – yeetskeetbonbon
Others understood why the lying was upsetting to the OP.
“NTA. I would find this odd and troubling, but then I hate being lied to. You see her lie all the time, you have to wonder how much she lies to you.” – TheVue221
“The thing is, you don’t know what she’s doing in other situations or if she’s now telling those needless lies to friends, families, etc.”
“NTA. I would not make any kind of commitment (like moving in together or an engagement) before figuring out what’s going on here. Her lying is the first red flag, but her reaction to your talk was the second.” – JazzyKnowsBelt13
“If this is a new behavior and not something you’ve just started to notice, it could be mental on her part. You mentioned you started talking about moving in together and then this began; it could be she’s self-sabotaging for one reason or another.”
“She plays it off as a joke now, but if it pushes you away she can tell herself excuses on why the relationship didn’t work out. You didn’t get her sense of humor, you were controlling, you were stifling her expression, and so on.”
“NTA, and I would have brought it up too. Might want to tap the brakes on moving in until you see how this develops.” – ArcWolf713
“But if I were in your spot, I’d wonder where else she lies in life and whether those lies are ‘harmless’ or not? And they aren’t truly harmless if they are causing you stress (as they should be because they are lies out of jealousy and in such needless things).”
“You haven’t given an example where she is protecting someone’s confidentiality or safety, so I don’t see any other reason to justify the frequent lies. This makes me think it’s part of who she is, ergo who you will be. Is that what you want? It doesn’t seem like it to me.”
“At least she didn’t ask you to give up the dog you got with your ex. But if she can lie about things, what if ‘the dog got out’ and ‘I’m so sad and miss him, but now we can get a new dog together’ becomes a possibility? I’d be afraid of that. But I also have an unhealthy obsession with my mutt.” – ItWouldntWorkAnyway
“NTA. OP, this is a giant, flaming red flag. Two main reasons:”
“1. As everyone has said, there is a good chance she will lie to your friends and family. How are you going to explain that? She may also be lying to you about things. Are you comfortable with someone who lies regularly about your life?”
“2. I haven’t seen this mentioned but holy cow, what a jealous streak your girlfriend has! She is so insecure, she can’t stand the thought of you having a past so she lies to strangers to feel better. I can guarantee this will not be the last thing she gets jealous over. Anything from your past will be hidden or changed or fought over because she can’t stand the thought of you before you met her.”
“Not only is it jealous and insecure, it’s incredibly codependent and she’s trying to force that onto you. Trying to fuse herself more permanently into your life, even the bits she wasn’t in.”
“It’s only been seven months. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Personally, this is just a disaster waiting to happen because she sounds like she’s got some serious issues to overcome. I’d tread very carefully.” – butterfly_cats
Even with all the comments, the OP still felt conflicted.
“This hasn’t been a thing until recently. I just find it so d**n odd.”
“It’s not all the time, either, I will say. It will just randomly come out, like maybe once a week or so.”
“Those who pointed out that these lies technically aren’t hurting anyone, I mean, I agree, they are harmless. I guess I’m worried about these lies catching up to her, and she’ll just tell a friend or someone who knows my family, and they are just confused as to what my girlfriend is telling them.”
“Some of you also mentioned her lying to me, and honestly, that’s my biggest fear of all. It’s just so weird, because she’s been amazing up to this point.”
The subReddit couldn’t help by side-eye this situation, viewing the lies as an improper way of advancing the OP’s relationship with their girlfriend.
While it could be as simple as wanting it to look like they’d been dating longer before taking the next step, it seemed there were possible insecurities or jealousy here, neither of which are ingredients for healthy and happy relationships.