Dreams, goals and aspirations are good things, right?
If you’re 5 feet tall, your dream to play center for an NBA team is less a dream and more a delusion.
So where is that line? And who gets to decide?
A 31-year-old woman and her 32-year-old girlfriend are struggling with this question. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to pose a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) question about their problem.
Redditor OkSalamander2410 asked:
“WIBTA if I tell my girlfriend her dream of making a movie and winning an Oscar is absurd and that she needs to get a grip on reality and move on with life?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“She is obsessed with film and directing, notably Refn, Tarantino, and Kubrick. She’s a walking film encyclopedia, it’s impressive.”
“We’ve been dating 5 years—towards the end of year 1, she wanted to quit her job and work on a film script for a bit, then go back to work. I thought she was really going to do it, I had no reason to think otherwise.”
“She made a short film in college, and hadn’t done anything really since, but I wanted to support her so I said OK. She talked about film and directing, etc… all the time.”
“Quitting that job led to a 4 year (and still ongoing) sh*t fest where she is ‘working’ on a film—she never actually types anything, it’s just always ‘in her head’.”
“I think she’s got maybe 5% actually typed?”
“Aside from her current job of about 6 months, she can’t really hold a steady job. Right after she quit, I started to really become aware of her depression and other mental health issues—she has borderline personality disorder (BPD) and I suspect narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
“It dominates every aspect of our life. A friend got her an art print, I said we should hang it in the kitchen—’Yeah, that could work. But we’ll have to take it down when I shoot my film, it won’t fit into any of my shots’.”
“I want to paint the office but I can’t because ‘well I need to use that room for my film’. It’s absurd.”
“Don’t most people film movies NOT in their apartment?”
“The film has something to do with vampires. Very graphic, sexual, dark.”
“Lots of sex scenes and she thinks it will be easiest to just actually have sex (she is starring in the film). She got drunk last night and told me she’s going to be the first transgender woman to win an Oscar.”
“If that’s all she wanted to do, just to say she’d done it, fine. But she is utterly convinced that this feature film, on a $3,000 budget, by a nobody director, is going to get picked up for distribution and will make thousands.”
“She’s constantly saying how she’s going to make this movie, and get us money, and buy us a house in the Hills, I will have to get used to her being gone for months at a time while she’s directing, she’s going to be on the road travelling to different film festivals to show her film.”
“I don’t want to crush her dreams—her mental health issues make her very susceptible to depressive episodes that have led to psych ward visits in the past. She’s recently come out as trans and is now on month 3 of hormones, making her even more emotionally unstable.”
“But like come on… how can she really believe she’s going to make her first film and win an Oscar? I want her to get her sh*t together, get a stable job, and move on with her life.”
“So… WIBTA for telling her?”
“Am I the a**hole for not believing in her?”
The OP added:
“I really do care for her and love her. She’s my best friend.”
“She does have Borderline Personality Disorder though, and it’s pretty par for the course to be committed to sticking it out one day, and then ready to give up completely the next day. It just depends.”
“I would say right now I’m at this resigned sadness—it’s becoming increasingly apparent that we want two different things in life—it’s just HER thing is basically a delusion and I still feel like there’s a chance for her to get her sh*t together.”
“If I was blunt with her, it would definitely make me feel better, but it would absolutely destroy her. She would probably end up in the psych unit again and I don’t have the mental energy to deal with that (last psych stay was ~ 5 months ago.)”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“Why are you still dating her? Are you expecting a magic personality change?”
“It’s been four years, time to decide your respective goals and life plans don’t line up, and move on.” ~ 0biterdicta
“Clearly they love her and are willing to work through this for her, that’s why they’re asking for help.” ~ froggieheart
“That’s like saying ‘I’m on a runaway train and I refuse to get off. How can I magically make this train float when it goes over a cliff?'” ~
“NTA. This is not following a dream, this is pure delusion.”
“Years and nothing to even show on YouTube. Time for an ultimatum or just wash your hands of her.” ~ RevolutionaryPaper97
“NTA – You don’t have to destroy her dreams to resolve this situation. You just have to set some boundaries for what you’re willing to accept in the relationship and stick to your guns.”
“She is free to pursue her dreams and try to win her Oscar, but in the meantime she has responsibilities she’s expected to live up to in the present.” ~ BeepBlipBlapBloop
“You know relationships can end right?
“It’s okay to say ‘Hey train wreck, this is not your station’.” ~ Madlysheepish85
While dreams are all well and good, OP’s girlfriend has taken no steps to achieve hers.
OP can’t be faulted for wanting to have some stability in their life.