A relationship is built on give and take. While you don’t necessarily want to track it down to the penny, there should at least be a feeling of equal outcomes.
That wasn’t the case when Redditor housewiestion’s boyfriend asked her to move in with him. The original poster (OP) didn’t like the stated terms and refused, leading to an argument.
OP isn’t sure if she was a jerk for what she did, and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about what went down.
OP asked the internet:
“AITA for how I reacted when my boyfriend wanted me to pay half his mortgage but not gain equity in the house?”
The situation between the two is a little strained.
“I am a 27 year old woman and I’m getting to a point in my life where I’d consider home ownership. I have a good job in tech and am in a low cost of living area.”
“I’d been half seriously shopping for a beginner home for myself.”
“My boyfriend who is 32 owns a house and we were talking about moving in together. That’s something I’d like in some ways, I want to take the next step in our relationship and I’d love to build a home together.”
“But I also have home equity as a personal financial goal, whether that would mean owning a home together with my boyfriend, or buying my own starter home.”
“But he already has a home and he is the sole owner. He pays 1300 a month in mortgage and taxes and 430 in utilities.”
“He wanted me to move in with him and pay half of that so 650 for the monthly payment and 215 for the utilities. So 865 total. But he’d still be the sole owner.”
“I said that I’d either want to be living somewhere I’d be gaining home equity, or establish a rental agreement that is at least as good as my current rental situation, which is allowing me to save for a down payment.”
What could her boyfriend do to improve her situation?
“And if it’s going the rental way, I’d want a lease and all the rights and responsibilities of the lessor. (him) and the lessee (me) laid out.”
“For example, maintenance responsibilities being on the landlord, term of occupancy defined, a written agreement on the cost of rent and other monetary responsibilities. And I’d want to compare that to my current lease.”
“My current landlord is very on top of maintenance, charges me $680 a month for rent, all utilities included. So if his lease agreement ended up being $865 monthly, and the building is in worse repair, that would be a harder choice.”
“I wouldn’t want to raise my rent to live in worse conditions… I’d want a rent price that is in line with the current rental market. I’d estimate the rent he could charge on the open market for a room in his house in its current condition would be about $400 or $500 max”
“He got really upset saying that he wanted to take a serious step in our relationship and I was treating it like business. Like I was putting on my work persona…”
“I said that I wasn’t trying to treat this like work (I do have a job where I have to be kinda detail oriented and argumentative) but I was just trying to make good financial choices for myself just like he was doing.”
“I said that honestly I didn’t think it would be a good choice, to pay half of his mortgage but he is the only one gaining equity. Unless there were other terms that made it more like a rental agreement, with me as a tenant, him taking full responsibility for the property and it’s maintenance, my rights defined, and the price being competitive with the current rental market.”
“He got really frustrated and said I sounded like a gold digger.”
“I laughed at him and said if I were a gold digger I’d be living with him for free.”
“I’m not sure what I’m gonna do, I’m seriously considering extending my current lease. But I know my boyfriend feels upset I took my ‘work approach’ out around him instead of talking like it was a relationship talk”
“AITA for how I discussed moving in with my boyfriend?”
OP has a better offer at the apartment where she currently lives, and can save money for her own house. But her boyfriend wants to move forward and live together and share the expenses in his house.
Who is right here?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to move in with her boyfriend on the terms presented by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The commenters pointed out that the arrangement proposed by the boyfriend benefitted him and did not benefit OP at all. She had no reason to take this offer.
On top of that, his comment about her being a ‘gold digger’ was not just uncalled for, but wrong. If anything, his greed means that the insult applies more to him than her.
OP was easily NTA and her boyfriend a jerk.
“NTA and if anyone a gold digger in this scenario it’s him. Good for you on looking at this from a business arrangement perspective, because it is. If you decide to live with him I would go forward with having a signed contract as you’ve laid out.”
“For you though you might consider going ahead and purchasing a home but renting it out. That way you’re still gaining equity in a property, living with your boyfriend, and he’s still getting some rent.”
“Just a thought but whatever you decide getting a contract with the bf to living arrangements and expectations covers you an any circumstance.” – HPNerd44
“NTA. OP, don’t move in with him unless you’re going to SAVE on rent. There’s no benefit to you as it is.”
“Basically, you’ll be saving him a bunch of money, extending yourself further financially, and without a lease or anything, it sounds like he could kick you out if things don’t work out. I also BET if something broke, he’d want to share the cost of it.”
“I’d tell him you’ll move in with him with a) a leading contract, b) $400 a month in rent, and c) no obligation to help pay for anything else.”
“Then, I’d save up, buy your own home, and rent it out until you two decide if you have a future together or where that future is headed.” – crystallz2000
“It’s so funny how quickly people get offended when women don’t just jump on board to being financially railroaded.”
“You are making perfect sense and advocating for yourself. Please do not fall for his emotional manipulation.”
“If he was a good guy, he would see the inherent inequity towards you in his suggestion and want to make it equitable.”
“If he chooses not to and instead to make it a personal attack on your personality, that’s a him problem and a red flag. NTA.” – SlinkyMalinky20
“NTA”
“‘…or establish a rental agreement that is at least as good as my current rental situation, which is allowing me to save for a down payment.’”
“This seems like a good compromise. You shouldn’t have to pay more than your current rental agreement because he owns a house that he bought on his own – that seems like he’s trying to take advantage of you.”
“He gets half off his mortgage.”
“You…pay more than what you are currently paying?”
“Openly discussing finances IS part of a relationship, especially one that’s getting serious. You should know each other’s income and all debts (and past criminal history/kids) should be on the table.”
“There is a difference between being a gold digger and protecting your interests fairly, something your boyfriend seems to be missing.”
“He’d still get a deal even if you only paid the equivalent to what your rent is now, because he’d have extra money he didn’t have before.”
“Splitting things evenly isn’t always fair – this is one of those situations.” – Kettlewise
“100% NTA. As a divorced woman, I learned through experience that you have to plan your own financial security. You’re much smarter than I was!”
“Moving ahead with your relationship is nice, but you ALWAYS have to plan for worst case scenario, and by that I mean breaking up. If he doesn’t understand your perspective, consider yourself lucky and get out now and buy your own house.” – ChefMimsy
“NTA. You are making very reasonable requests here. It’s not fair to you to expect you to financially contribute equally without seeing any ‘gain’ from that in the form of equity.”
“His proposed arrangement would involve him actively profiting off of you, which isn’t a great dynamic to introduce into a relationship either.” – kelsimr2
OP has presented some good arguments for why her boyfriend’s offer isn’t beneficial. There’s a lot that he can offer instead that would be great for both parties.
If he can provide some better incentives, he can also get the benefit of some help with his mortgage.