Redditor ThrowawayNZ2000 is a woman who identifies as bisexual and recently caused drama within the family.
She said her parents have “begrudgingly” come to accept her female partner with whom she has been for the past year.
But when her family showed they still have a ways to go before fully accepting her sexual identity, she made a decision that led her to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
“AITA for refusing to go to my sister’s wedding over my same sex partner not being welcome?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My sister is having a destination wedding in Hawaii next Spring with immediate family only (plus spouses/serious partners).”
“I am a BI female who has been in a relationship with a woman for the past year.”
“We grew up Catholic, parents used to be insanely homophobic but have mellowed out over the past several years, and they begrudgingly accept my girlfriend (however I can tell they are not thrilled).”
“My sister’s fiance and his family are very Catholic, and his parents and grandparents very homophobic. Her future FIL has frequently used homophobic and transphobic slurs (we are all cis), her fiance knows I’m in a relationship with a woman but his family does not.”
“My sister and parents do not want my girlfriend to come because they don’t want to ‘start drama’ with her fiances family.”
“They told me my sisters wedding is not the time to ‘make a statement. I’m not trying to start drama nor make any statements, just being my authentic self with my girlfriend whom I’ve been with for a year now.”
“I cannot use the excuse that it’s too expensive to travel because my parents have volunteered to pay for flight/lodging/food in full, I have offered to pay in full for my girlfriend (although I’m sure if she were a man they’d sponsor her trip too) for her flight/food (she’d stay in my room with me obviously).”
“I also cannot use the excuse of not being able to get off work because I’m self employed (independent massage therapist, I make my own schedule).”
“I have told them if my girlfriend is not welcome then I will not be coming.”
“Major drama had ensued, sister is really upset because she won’t have a brides maid otherwise (it’s family only, and her fiance just has a brother), and she doesn’t want to have to explain to the inlaws why I’m not there.”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
A majority of Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole for stating her ultimatum.
“NTA. You are not trying to make a statement, you are living your life.”
“Don’t waste your time, your money, or your emotions on these people.” – flora_pompeii
“Exactly this, NTA at all. I wouldn’t spend the money needed to go to a destination wedding for two homophobes.”
“If your sister is willing to marry into a family that hates you that’s on her, but I wouldn’t show any support for that at all.”
“OP, you and your girlfriend deserve better. Plan a nice vacation somewhere gay for the same dates of the wedding. I’m a WLW too and I hear Provincetown is nice in the Spring.” – Lensbian
“NTA. Of course you’re not an a**hole.”
“It’s not ‘causing drama’ to bring your SO to a wedding. And being Catholic is no excuse. I’m Catholic. I’m not homophobic. Jesus doesn’t like haters.” – Osolemia
“Guess your sister can either explain why you aren’t there or invite your SO. Sounds like a ‘her’ problem.”
“NTA.” – CaliforniaJade
“Let’s be fair: OP’s family also sucks.”
“NTA, OP, but why go the excuse route at all? Make it very clear that you are not going precisely because the disrespect they are showing you, your so, and your relationship.” – Noirceuil_182
“Yeah, like, if they do end up going?”
“It’s still not a healthy, friendly atmosphere, and I guarantee there’s gonna be some kind of issue/confrontation that ends up happening. Just because everyone knows beforehand, or OP forced sister’s hand into letting them go, doesn’t mean the drama stops, just that it’s happening at the wedding.”
“And I promise that if OP goes without SO (which hopefully doesn’t happen, and if it does the SO is okay with), they’re gonna make homophobic comments, act like they don’t hear her when she says ‘I’m in a relationship with a woman’ and try to set her up with some dude/cousin/’proper partner.”
“I understand wanting to go to the wedding, I do, but there’s not really a winning combination here for OP other than not going at all. It’ll be a toxic environment regardless of anything they can do, and it’s not going to go well in the future when ‘remember when the gays ruined the sister’s wedding by being there and being all…gay!?!?’”
“Unless sister’s husband decides to chuck his parents, and OP’s parents make some massive turnaround in attitude, OP is going to be the center of negative attention and that won’t end well for anyone.”
“Don’t go OP, or at least show up to the ceremony, leave and enjoy Hawaii with your partner.” – Bazrum
“She can kowtow to the homophobes by making a homophobic rule for her wedding or she can have her bi sister at her wedding. Can’t have both and OP isn’t to blame for it. The ball is in the bride-and-groom’s court.”
“Sounds like a no-brainer to pick your own sister over a bunch of homophobes but what do I know.”
“ETA: note that if you accepted the invite, they would also demand that you lie and claim to be single (and field annoying questions about why), which is disrespectful to your girlfriend.” – No_regrats
“NTA -if they don’t want drama, they don’t disinvite the plus-one of the sister of the bride while allowing all other guests to bring a plus one. That’s a pretty dramatic slap in the face.”
“‘We’ll hurt someone whose behavior is fine, because others will deliberately act badly to them’ is inviting drama from the badly behaved, not avoiding drama.”
“If they don’t want drama, they can tell those who will behave badly (and that includes the priest at a Catholic ceremony) that they will either have to be polite and welcoming to all friends and family, or leave.” – Jazzlike_Humor3340
Overall, Redditors did not look favorably upon the OP’s family for dissuading her from bringing her girlfriend to the wedding.
Redditors also believed it might be best for the couple to avoid being in an anti-LGBTQ environment.