When someone does something truly meaningful for us, or for our family, our first instinct is usually to show our gratitude with a gift of some kind.
Sometimes, we may want this gift to be something that is beyond our own means, but that can be a group effort, with several people contributing towards it.
Things can get complicated when not everyone is on board with this idea, however.
A recent Redditor recently lost their mother, and their sister wanted to reward their late mother’s caregiver.
While the original poster (OP) was on board with rewarding their mother’s caregiver, they were more hesitant as to how their sister wanted to reward her.
Unfortunately, their sister was not going to take no for an answer.
Unsure of what to do, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not wanting to give my moms caregiver 10k bonus ?”
The OP explained why they found themselves at odds with their sister over giving their mother’s caregiver a bonus:
“My mom passed away after being cared for by a private caregiver for about 9 months.”
“The caregiver was paid for her services during that time.”
“My sister now wants to give the caregiver an additional $50,000 gift and is asking each of the five siblings to contribute $10,000.”
“Some of us feel that while the caregiver did meaningful work and deserves appreciation, this is a very large amount to ask and wasn’t discussed or agreed upon beforehand.”
“My sister is kind of forcing this upon everyone OR she will change my mom’s state a trustee fee (she’s in charge of that) to give money to the caregiver.”
“She’s forcing this on us.”
“Either we give her the 10k each or she will use the estate to pay her the 50k and also keep extra money for herself.”
“Please who is in the wrong here ?”
“I’m looking for outside opinions: Is this a reasonable request?”
“Should this be voluntary rather than expected?”
“I’d really appreciate honest perspectives.”
“How do people usually handle situations like this?”
“Is it reasonable to ask siblings to contribute $10k each as a gift to a caregiver?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the A**hole for refusing to fork over $10K for their mother’s caregiver.
Not only did everyone think that the demand of the OP’s sister was completely unreasonable, but many even urged them to consider hiring a lawyer:
“NTA.”
“Lawyer now.”
“This is a suspiciously high amount, and I’d almost bet her game plan doesn’t include the caregiver getting the full 50k, or possibly any of it, given how hard she’s pushing this.”- Some_word_some_wow
“Talk to a lawyer about your mum’s estate, this is not how a trustee is supposed to operate, but laws vary, etc, etc.”
“NTA but go speak to a lawyer!”- Just_River_7502
“NTA, but you need to talk to a lawyer.”
“That is a ridiculous amount she wants to give, and then she wants to keep the rest?”
“Doesn’t sound like she’s handling the estate correctly.”- summerbeachlover
“NTA but lawyer up and serve your sister.”- JellyBelly1042
“NTA.”
“That money is not going to the caregiver lol.”
“Your sister is trying to steal from y’all.”- milkdimension
“NTA.”
“Y’all need lawyers.”- ThatHellaHighHobbit
“NTA and what your sister is doing is likely highly illegal.”
“Contact a lawyer right away and have the court appoint a neutral trustee.”- MaxusBE
“That’s way too much, and I would be surprised if she had the power to do that, even as the executrix.”
“Check your state laws, but they’re pretty strict about what can and can’t be done with money from the estate.”
“If it wasn’t in the will, it seems unlikely that she could do that, but even if she can, it doesn’t mean she should.”
“Call a family meeting (in person or virtual) to discuss.”
“NTA.”- catsaway9
“NTA – you definitely need to bring an estates attorney into this.”
“I’m pretty sure this isn’t how the trustee of an estate is allowed to behave.”
“Also, I seriously wonder if this isn’t your sister’s backhanded way of routing some cash to herself.”
“Like, she *says* it’s for the caregiver, and even if it were it’d be a *massive* tip – but I have a feeling she was going to take it upon herself to give the money to the caregiver after she’d collected it.”
“And who knows how much would’ve actually made it to this person.”
“This notion is just reinforced by the fact that, when challenged, she’s resorting to weird justifications to charge fee that would go to herself.”
“I’m not an attorney, but I’d bet $10k of my own cash money that this isn’t legal behavior.”- sowellfan
“NTA.”
’50k is too much for a ‘tip’.”
“This was a paid service, not a tipped job.”- Druid-Flowers1
“Get your own attorney and contest the executor going against the will and trying to force you out of your inheritance.”
“NTA.”- Federal-Ferret-970
“Giving a bonus would be good, but demanding that everyone give 10,000 each is kind of ridiculous.”
“NTA!”- GoetheundLotte
“When I read the title I thought it was going to be 10k TOTAL, 2k from each of you.”
“Even that is generous in my opinion.”
“Especially since this was not discussed before hand this is very unreasonable.”
“Maybe you and your siblings are all loaded, but in many cases some siblings are quite well off and others are far from it.”
“NTA.”- Imthatsick
“NTA.”
“I think your sister wants to give herself a gift.”- shaihalud69
“NTA.”
“Something feels off here, given that your sister is the executor and is making this contribution mandatory.”
“You should retain an attorney to look into this so your rights regarding division of the estate are upheld.”- TheJokersWild53
“NTA.”
“If she was a paid caregiver, there is no reason to give or expect a bonus of that amount.”
“Something fishy is going on and you absolutely should look at getting an attorney.”- BloomNurseRN
“NTA, and you should really look into retaining an attorney to get a preliminary injunction and/or temporary restraining order issued against your sister from taking any action to pay this person out of your mother’s trust or estate.”
“No reasonable person would give $10,000 (much less $50,000!) as a tip to a nurse/carer.”
“$500-$1000 as an end-of-year Christmas bonus would be extremely generous.”
“This isn’t a normal job that gets tips like that, too.”
“Either your sister is the dumbest person on the planet when it comes to money, or she’s trying to embezzle $50k out of your mom’s estate.”
“Either way – lawyer up immediately.”- The_Prince1513
“Yikes, why should she keep extra for herself?”
“I do think it should come from the estate, though. Why contribute 10K each if you were to inherit equally?”
“Did your sister do extra caregiving/care work for your mom?”
“Was the caregiver underpaid?”
“Is your sister in a relationship with the caregiver?”
“That’s an insane bonus.”
“It’s not reasonable to demand, request fine, but it should be voluntary, and it should be a joint decision to pay out from the trust IMHO.”
“With the info given, your sister is abusing her authority as the trustee, is she the only one?”
“Why?”
“NTA with the info given, your sister’s behavior is suspicious.”- stella-eurynome
“NTA.”
“50k is craaaaaazy.”- burnt-heterodoxy
“NTA.”
“I could see giving the caregiver $10,000, but $50k is a LOT, unless we’re talking about a multi-million dollar estate.”
“I think your sister is really overstepping, and you and your other siblings need to discuss this with a lawyer.”
“There are probably limits or standards for the trustee fee.”- Jerseygirl2468
“NTA, but it’s worth noting the caregiver may not even be able to accept such a large gift.”
“Many companies that place caregivers do not allow their employees to accept significant gifts from their clients or client families because of the potential ethical problems.”
“I suppose at that amount, the caregiver might just quit this job, take the money, and try to find another one–but as others have said, something doesn’t really add up here.”- lisa_lionheart84
“NTA.”
“Like everyone else has said here, immediately talk to a lawyer, if you can get a consultation today, do so.”
“I don’t fully buy that it’s for the caregiver.”
“Or if it is, the caregiver and your sister are trying to do something together to screw over the rest of y’all.”
“She can’t just send money where she wants in the trust, it has to go according to y’all’s mother’s will.”- MithosYggdrasill1992
It is very noble that the OP’s sister wants to show her appreciation to her mother’s caregiver.
That being said, $10K is not an amount many people can easily dole out.
Making it almost ludicrous that the OP’s sister is forcing her siblings to dole out exactly that much.
Indeed, one can’t help but wonder whether the suspicions of certain Redditors are accurate and whether the OP’s sister wasn’t planning to give that money to their mother’s caregiver.