Most parents mean well when they raise their children, and they might monitor various aspects of their children's lives as they grow, like how they're doing in school and who their closest friends are.
But there comes a time when parents have to start letting go and give their children space to make their own decisions, without them overlooking anymore, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Plastic_Box9546 was a college graduate and had already landed a successful job, but that did not stop their parents from continuing to try to meddle in their decisions.
But when their parents went so far as to demand their bank information, so they could monitor their income and spending habits, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time to set new boundaries.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for refusing to give my parents my bank password so they can 'monitor' my salary?"
The OP was a successful college graduate.
"I am a 2024 graduate from a Southeast Asian country, and I recently landed a high-paying, remote role as a Virtual Assistant for a US-based company."
"Because I live in a country with a lower cost of living, my salary is technically 'wealthy' by local standards, and I really enjoy my job, so it's a win-win."
The OP was surprised by their parents' demands about their income.
"Last night, my parents sat me down and demanded my banking login and password."
"Their reasoning? They want to 'protect' me from overspending and believe they should be the ones to 'set aside' my savings for me."
"They also mentioned that since I still live in their house, I should not have 'secrets' regarding my finances."
"I told them no. I offered to pay a fixed, generous amount for rent, utilities, and groceries, but they called it 'insulting.' They said I am treating them like 'landlords' instead of parents."
"I also told them I would rather automate a transfer to a high-yield savings account that they can see but not touch. They still called it a slap in the face. It is like they do not just want the money. They want the power to decide how it is spent."
The OP's family shamed them for withholding their information.
"Now, my extended family is calling me 'arrogant' and are saying I have 'lost my roots' because I want financial privacy and work for Americans."
"In my mind, I am an adult with a professional career. In their mind, I am an extension of the family's communal fund."
"To me, it's not about the money anymore. It is about the fact that they do not see me as an independent adult, despite the fact that I am the primary earner in the house now. Respect should be a two-way street."
"Was I wrong for standing my ground? Is it an 'Americanized' mindset to think my money is mine, or is this a universal boundary I should never cross?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that they were NOR and that this was abnormally controlling behavior.
"Now is the time to realize some cultures have f**ked up 'values' that should definitely be ignored. Your parents think that because they brought you into this world, they get to control every aspect of your life they wish."
"You'll likely have to move out and establish yourself if you want a chance at a 'normal' life. It will likely result in your parents throwing a tantrum, but don't give in." - Difficult_onion4538
"NOR. There's almost certainly some cultural factors involved, which I can't speak to, but boundaries are important in any culture, and some communities do blur the line of enmeshment."
"In many Asian countries, parents see their children's money as their right because they raised them. Where this likely goes is them taking money without asking for it for specific things, like, 'we're throwing a birthday party for your sister, so we used some of your money for it,' for example. Things like that.
"I can't say if that's happening here without significantly more information (that's none of my business, obviously), but it may be something OP can look into if they think it may apply to their situation."
"But I think that OP shouldn't let them near their money." - H3k8t3
"They don't want to 'monitor it;' they want to control it. He is their bank account now in their eyes. Move out, OP. I know culturally you're expected to help family, but make it a set amount that is non-negotiable if you want to continue to do so." - MartinisnMurder
"'They said I am treating them like 'landlords' instead of parents,' and they are treating YOU like an ATM instead of BEING loving parents you can trust. NOR." - SoonToBeMarried43
"NOR. This is a divergence of culture with you living your life."
"Do not give into it unless you want your parents to take advantage of it and control you the rest of your life (and probably steal from you)."
"Kudos for protecting yourself. It may be 'Americanized,' but it's way better than your parents controlling you forever." - PerpetuallySticky
Others had different theories for what the OP's parents wanted to do with that bank information.
"Their setting aside of savings for you could end up having money put into an account they can control and use for any family expense. YOU will become their bank account." - IcyConsideration7062
"NOR, and they absolutely are going to start siphoning funds for a 'savings' account, which just so happens to be solely in their names."
"When will OP be allowed to access it? 'Oh, when you get your own house,' 'oh, nope, can't have it yet,' 'when you get married,' 'no, still can't have it,' 'when you have your first kid...' 'oh, wait, there's no money in the account, you gave it to us as a gift and we used it to fund our lifestyle family emergencies." - SafiyaMukhamadova
"Ask them if you have access to all of their money and if you have a say in what they spend or save. Let them sit with that feeling for a little while. It's all just them exerting control over you and your adult life." - harleyjosh1999
"Please understand your parents never had access to real money. They want the experience of seeing it and moving it and making decisions with it. They feel cheated that their son got to experience dealing with real money before they ever did."
"So yes, this is about them treating your money like it's theirs. Don't give them access to anything. Offer to pay for things that you are comfortable with. Hold your boundary that your banking information is for you only." - Leelagolucky
"Why do they want access to your money if their argument was basically for you to save it? Your offer to put some of it into a savings account that they can see but not touch is a reasonable compromise."
"I wouldn't trust their motives, myself. They shouldn't have access to your money at all, and I'd be afraid that they'd spend it and you'd never get it back." - CleoLovesStan
"This is why you keep control of all of your own money. Despite the comment that it is an insult to pay rent, perhaps a reasonable amount for rent/food. In the US, single people of share an apartment or house and split expenses."
"Although remember, ONCE YOU SET A PRICE AND DO IT ONCE, you will be doing it possibly forever and not just when you move. If the price is very high, your parents may be dependent on it and want that subsidy in retirement."
"If they don't allow it, consider setting aside a small amount every month that no one knows about. You need to start saving for your own life, house, maybe kids, fun, and retirement."
"I have made the mistake of loaning money to my siblings. They always want more, and any loan is really a gift." - Any-Alternative2667
After reading the comments, the OP was relieved.
"Honestly, I needed this energy today."
"It is wild because they want total transparency for my bank account but would lose their minds if I asked for theirs. I already offered to pay a higher share of the bills, and they called it insulting and said I was treating them like landlords."
"If being a daughter means being a financial open book, then maybe I am better off actually being a tenant somewhere else. They want the communal fund, but they do not want to give me the adult respect that comes with it."
After seeing the OP's comment, fellow Redditors urged her to move out.
"Ohhh, you're a daughter. Yes, you really need to move out and stop supporting your family."
"Girls are expected to support and care for their parents, sometimes even in the US, and it sucks. This demand from your parents is out of line, but not surprising. Just move out." - kisskissenby
"NOR. Do not share anything with them. I'm the earning daughter in an Asian household. My money is theirs, but their money isn't mine. I also have a job that is technically higher paying than theirs used to be."
"I made the mistake of telling them how much I actually earn, and they just planned all household expenses, many unnecessary ones, around it. I ended up with no savings after about three years of work. Then I just started lying about how much I make and give them a fixed amount now."
"They act like I'm an arrogant person because of it, but I've learned to not care. Between the options of 'being the good daughter but penniless and completely controlled' and 'being the evil daughter but with financial freedom,' I chose the latter."
"Stick to your guns. People can tell what they want. After a while, they realize that nothing they say will impact you, and they either tone it down or it just won't affect you anymore." - Ill-Animator-3700
It was alarming what the OP's parents wanted her to do and how expectant they were to have access to her funds, just because she'd landed a secure job.
But if she actually gave them access, they would likely spend much more than she could make, or they'd continuously change the conditions she'd have to meet to access her own money.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp