As a young child, my family moved often due to my Father’s career in the United States Navy. After my parent’s divorce, my Mother, my Sisters and I moved to the town she grew up in and where her parents and two of her five brothers lived.
We saw our maternal Grandparents daily after that, whereas we’d seen them only 1-2 times per year before then. We stayed close to my Father’s family, but saw our paternal Grandparents only every few years.
We lived in northern Maine on the Canadian border and they lived in my Father’s ancestral homelands in Paha Sapa (the Black Hills) of western South Dakota.
Still, I felt close bonds to both sets of my Grandparents.
A grandmother who doesn’t have close relationship with two of her grandchildren despite living close by, turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Constant-Story-1575 asked:
“AITA for playing favorites with my grandkids and when confronted by my daughter-in-law (DIL) telling her that it is due to her?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“This post is about my son and Amy (my DIL). They have been married for about ten years and have two kids. They are 10 and 6.”
“At the beginning I really tried to get along with her, but she made it difficult. She is not very sociable, and always put her own mom over seeing her husband’s side of the family.
“This is really apparent with holidays and the kids.”
She always chose to go to her mom’s for holidays even if I do it on an early day or late day. If I offer to babysit, she always tells me she asked her mom or she would get back to me.”
“The times I do babysit or get to hang out with the grandkids, she is criticizing everything I do. Usually saying thats not how her mom or how she does it.”
“At the beginning, my son was trying to fix this, but gave up. We see him separately from his wife and kids.”
“I truly don’t understand it. I have asked if I did anything wrong, but no answer on that.”
“I gave up trying when my other son had kids. It is so much better and I have a great relationship with my other DIL and the kids. The kids are 9 (Ava my step-grandaughter) and 4 (grandson).”
“I gave Ava a family necklace, that was my mother’s.”
“She loves it and has been wearing it everywhere according to my son. That also includes school which started this issue.”
“My DIL called me up and asked why Ava got a family necklace, but her daughter (10) didn’t get one. I told her I just wanted to give it to Ava.”
“She got angry and told me I was playing favorites and that her daughter is older, so she should have gotten the necklace. I told her that yes, I am playing favorites and it is due to her.”
“I pointed out that I do not know her daughter because of her. That her kids will not be getting any of my family stuff because of her.”
“This was a huge argument and she called me a jerk and wanted me to give her kid a necklace.”
“I am doubting myself on this.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“AITA for playing favorites with my grandkids and when confronted by my DIL, telling her that it is due to her.”
“I could be a jerk for giving the necklace to Ava and not the oldest granddaughter and telling her mom she is the reason for it.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. It’s difficult, but the conversation needs to be steered toward the amount of quality time you’re able to spend with your grandkids. She’s putting the focus on the gifts that were given when that’s the least important part of the relationship.”
“I wouldn’t discuss with Amy about why her daughter isn’t getting a necklace. She’ll try to poke holes in the argument, come up with counter arguments, and spend way too much time on that point.”
“The conversations should focus on why you’re not able to see your grandkids for the holidays, why you can’t babysit them, why you can’t spend more time with them.”
“Hopefully that necklace is causing your granddaughter to pressure Amy about seeing you more, even if its for slightly jealous reasons.”
“And now is a great time for your son to start trying to fix this again; Amy seems to have a renewed ‘interest’.” ~ GamesDontStop
“NTA. Ask Amy and your son (in front of witnesses if possible), ‘Just so we’re on the same page, it sounds like you’re ok with the kids not having a relationship with me, but you still want me to give them things. Is that what you’re saying? That my purpose in their lives is just about material goods?’.” ~ Illustrious_Leg_2537
“Exactly. DIL was perfectly happy never seeing grandma until she found out it was costing her kids stuff. And her response of course isn’t thinking ‘maybe I should bring my kids over more so they can bond and let the treatment equalize as a result of that bonding’.”
“Nope. Instead she says: stop showing favoritism and give my kids stuff with no mention of changing her treatment of grandma. NTA.” ~ Satan_von_Kitty
“I would try to stand up for the son here but… where the hell is he‽‽ NTA. They’re his kids too. I get never seeing DIL but, at this point, son is basically helping her keep their kids from his parents. Just take the kids with you to see your parents, dude!” ~ Bice_thePrecious
“NTA. Your son should put on his big boy pants and bring his kids when he comes over, and she doesn’t need to come. He is part of the problem by not standing up to her and saying you deserve to know your grandkids. I hope you’re able to see them soon.” ~ Big-Peak-9230
“My wife is executor of her grandma’s estate. The will is very clear about who gets stuff. Some people left out entirely.”
“Now my wife is smart enough to keep her mouth shut, but to everyone who knew grandma ‘the people left out had little to no relationship with grandma’.” ~ neo_sporin
“NTA. Yup, my SIL—married to my spouse’s brother—is like this. We once drove six hours to their house for Christmas, by their demand. Our kids were toddlers.”
“She left all of us (MIL and FIL, us and kids) to go to her mom’s five minutes up the road for a special—her side only—Christmas Eve dinner. We were left with a cheese plate. I haven’t spoken to them in 16 years.”
“She only contacts my in-laws when she commands them to visit for a special occasion or needs money.”
“She thinks my in-laws pay for all our vacations. Jokes on her, we pay for my in laws. This isn’t reaching out to family, this is just propping up her status driven needs.” ~ fuzzybitchbeans
“Where the hell is the son in all of this? Why is he OK with his side of the family having no relationship with his children?”
“Does he seriously have no explanation? He’s just as responsible for this situation as the DIL is. OP should hold her son accountable because she honestly deserves an explanation.”
“He’s condoning the practice (or secretly is an active participant in it and has just thrown his wife under the bus) which makes him complicit.”
“Obviously grandparents have no actual, legal rights here, but that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about being cut out of her grandkid’s lives for reasons unknown.”
“It’s hurtful and OP at least deserves an honest explanation from her son about what’s really going on. To keep her in the dark all this time is kind of cruel.”
“This is the real problem. We don’t even need to talk about the necklace thing as that’s so far from being important at this point. So, I’m going with both the son and his wife are the AHs here. They are allowed their reasons, but to not communicate why is just a massive dick move.” ~ jmking
“NTA, but it is 100% her son’s (Amy’s husband’s) issue.”
“One of my friends hates her MIL, and the feeling is mutual. She won’t visit, because it was just constant criticism. But she had no problem with her husband bringing the kids to visit, until the kids were old enough to rebel.” ~ Patiod
“This. I don’t get along with my in-laws, to the point I refuse to go to their home (they always host Christmas for my husband’s side). My husband simply takes our children with him and I stay home.”
“My issues with them are personal, they’re still my husband and children’s family and are absolutely not a danger to them. So there’s zero reason for me to interfere in my family’s relationship with my in-laws.” ~ Tardis_nerd91
Many comments noted the OP can give her heirloom pieces to whoever she wants, but should maybe spend more time questioning her son than blaming her daughter-in-law.