They say there is no way to precisely describe the pain of losing a child.
It’s not something people who have never been a parent can easily understand.
Grief itself for any loss in life is difficult enough.
But burying children, that’s a different type of pain.
And often people can get overzealous in trying to help ease the suffering.
It doesn’t always go over well.
Case in point…
Redditor ThrowRamidi wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my brother’s G[irl]F[riend] to ‘F’ off?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“This is a throwaway so I don’t completely embarrass myself on my personal account because this is a little crazy.”
“My wife and I (39) lost our teenage son, earlier this year.”
“It’s been heart-wrenching; my wife actually got fired from her job when she fell into a deep depression as can be imagined.”
“My brother has a girlfriend (22) she dabbles in the ‘spiritual world’ and into all that kind of stuff.”
“Three nights ago we had them over for dinner for my youngest’s birthday party.”
“In front of my depressed wife and my two young children (8 and 11), she says ‘I can feel your son here.'”
“I say excuse me??”
“She tells my wife that she can feel his presence here and that she just knows she can help us make contact and help us with closure.”
“My youngest is confused, and starts crying, my wife’s on the verge of tears, my brother’s staring at her in awe, like it’s this great thing.”
“I told her she needed to stop that or she could leave.”
“She got upset and said she was trying to help us with closure and that I didn’t understand.”
“I told her to ‘F’ off and leave.”
“My brother got angry at me and we got into a big argument.”
“They left, my wife is upset but thinks maybe I should’ve listened to her, she’s desperate, my brother texted me saying how disrespectful I was to his girlfriend and I needed to apologize.”
“That’s not just something you say to grieving parents.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You, sir, have fantastic restraint and are NTA.”
“I’d have a hard time not physically throwing her and your brother out of my house if I had been in your shoes.”
“As another person said, there’s a time and a place for everything and this wasn’t either one.”
“You all are obviously still moving through the grieving process and need time to heal your souls after something as traumatic as losing a child.”
“You have my sympathy for that and I hope you and your family can truly heal to where it won’t hurt so terribly anytime someone brings up your son in the future.”
“It took me a few years to get there after cancer took my father at a young age.”
“As the GF is fairly young and is maybe used to people that humor her ‘spirituality’ and appreciate it even, maybe she didn’t realize it was inappropriate in this case.”
“However, your brother is a real AH for not only not stopping his GF, but even defending her and arguing with you about it.”
“My advice going forward: text your brother back about the complete lack of social awareness of his GF and the trauma it caused to your family with what she said.”
“And hold firm about not apologizing to her, nor is she welcome in your house or around your family until she can apologize to you and your family AND keep her damn mouth shut! “
“Dang, I’m getting angry on your behalf, sorry not sorry about that.” ~ eaglekeeper168
“Great observations about being ‘socially aware.'”
“As I like to say, you have to ‘read the room.'”
“There is a time and place for everything, and that was neither the time nor the place to say that.”
“If the GF told the brother privately ‘I can help your brother (OP) if he wants,’ but don’t go saying stuff in front of the children.”
“NTA. I do hope OP and family are getting help going through their grief.”
“Positives vibes to them.” ~ CaptCaffeine
“NTA. Daring to do this without checking with you beforehand, being asked to stop and not stopping, not realizing how upsetting it was to your crying child and wife, not understanding what you were communicating, and then insisting that you were wrong for how you were feeling: all of this makes her TA.”
“But a conversation is needed with your brother.”
“Not just about his girlfriend’s behavior, but about his enabling of it and his apparent inability to understand the need to check with you beforehand.”
“The need to respect your boundaries around your late son.”
“The need to recognize how his S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] and nibling are feeling, and the need to prioritize your feelings as the grieving parents and siblings.”
“If he wants to continue a relationship with you and your family in the long-term, he needs to recognize his own lack of emotional intelligence.” ~ CamBCL
“I came here to say all of this…”
“Wrong place and wrong time, complete lack of social or situational awareness, and she seems as if she’s been coddled thus far (and the brother’s attitude reinforces this).”
“‘Earlier this year’ means within the last two months since we’re barely into the start of March right now.”
“This is a FRESH loss, not one which has healed for years and years as you said.”
“After a few years, a gentle offer (with zero pushback if they reject it) might be OK, but when it’s FRESH, AND she and OP’s brother got hella pushy over it???????”
“Absolutely NTA.” ~ TigerShark_524
“I don’t disagree with what you say about mediums and studying to do things right.”
“I don’t believe in such things, but if you can do it and it gives comfort to folks, more power to you and you should always strive to get better and be good at what you do and believe.”
“However, this GF is a young woman and without any other background from OP.”
“I can’t say that I think she was doing it to be the center of attention.”
“I think she was just clueless about any kind of timing and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt in that she just wanted to help and/or provide some sort of comfort to them in their grieving.”
“What I have a problem with is after OP told her to stop, she doubled down on her shitty timing and OP’s brother defended her and argued with OP about it.”
“I would like to think OP’s brother was trying to defend his GF (which is understandable but misplaced in this situation) and to me, the fact that he defended her means that she isn’t some attention-seeking fool, but rather a fool with good intentions that were timed very badly.” ~ eaglekeeper168
“I’m a believer in the spirit world, but bro’s girlfriend absolutely should not have said anything about this at all during a family dinner with your children present.”
“And definitely not without some knowledge of how you and your wife feel about it.”
“You are, as the top comment says, incredibly restrained and definitely NTA.”
“She, however, can do one.”
“Let your bro know you will be waiting for her apology for being so horribly insensitive.” ~ Nonbinary_Cryptid
“Is the brother 22 or is he closer to OP’s age (39) and dating young and dumb?”
“If they are both 22, then I could chalk this up to youthful stupidity and arrogance.”
“Have a discussion on boundaries and move on.”
“But if the brother is in his 30s and dating young and dumb, then HE should know better.”
“The fact that he is supportive of this idiot would make me direct my ire to him for bringing it into my home in the first place.”
“The girlfriend is just a girlfriend, and they come and go.”
“OP’s brother should know better.”
“The brother’s reaction and actions are what is supremely hurtful.”
“NTA. Either way, this was hurtful and they should never have brought it up, but after bringing it up, they should have been able to read the room.” ~ invisible_panda
“As a grieving parent myself, I agree. NTA.”
“I have searched for connections with my daughter after my loss.”
“It was part of my grieving process, but had anyone walked up to me and done the same as the GF, I would have been pissed.” ~ Huffle_Tess87
“NTA, please do not get sucked into this kind of nonsense which only prolongs the pain and sorrow.”
“I am so sorry for your loss, the pain must be immeasurable.”
“However, even if someone believes in psychic powers, it is unbelievably cruel to just talk in this manner.”
“She clearly wants to be the center of attention and believes that this is an appropriate way to insert herself into the situation.” ~ Kukka63
“Jeezus I would have called her out on being an emotional predator so fast, then told her to never speak to my family again since she was a sick attention sucker.”
“You were acting in the defense of the well-being of your family.”
“Please talk with your wife about your brother’s GFs mental issues and the damage she’s trying to inflict by attempting to control your family emotionally.”
“Counseling for her and the penalty box for your brother.”
“So NTA!” ~ VegetableBusiness897
“NTA. That she would take that vile tack!”
“She sounds awful.”
“Like a real conwoman and vulture aka ‘mediums,’ that prey and feed on pain.”
“You showed remarkable restraint.” ~ He_Who_Is_Person
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. There is a time and place for almost anything.
You were protecting your family.
It’s sad that she and your brother can’t see that.
You keep doing what’s best for you and your wife and kids.