The truth always finds you.
Always.
So what happens when the lies that have been told to you start unraveling?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) AgentRamandu when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my fiancé her sister isn't invited to our wedding?"
The setting.
"So, myself (27M) and my fiancé (28F) have been together close to a year, engaged for half of that."
"We are planning a wedding in the fall of '24 and have started a guest list."
"She comes from a big family and I am an only child."
"We are close with one of her sisters in particular, and often went to visit her and play board games and such."
"This sister has a fiancé and is pregnant."
"Recently, my fiancé told me that her sister was having a shotgun wedding before the baby arrived in order to keep with their traditional values and appease familial religious desires."
A little bit of history.
"Back up a bit."
"I've done a lot for her sister and soon-to-be husband."
"I planned a birthday party for his son-from-another-marriage, I've given her rides, always brought small gifts when I would visit."
"I've gone as far as to stop everything I was doing to help her during a health scare while she was pregnant. I really felt like a part of the family."
"Fast forward."
"In a text to my fiancé upon announcing her wedding, her sister made it a point to say, 'It's a small wedding, no plus ones. OP can come to the dinner afterwards.'"
"All fine by me."
"I honestly don't really mind, as ceremonies can be dull and I understood why she would only want to have immediate family at her small wedding."
"I woke up on the day of the wedding to help my fiancé get ready and drive her over to her sisters house."
"I planned on driving my fiancé, her sister, and her sisters soon-to-be husband to the venue and bringing them to the dinner afterwards."
"My fiancé told me, 'It's okay, just drop me off at my sisters and we will get a ride over.'"
"A little odd, but I was fine with that too. I arrived over there and as my fiancé got out of the car I asked if I could come in and congratulate them."
"She seemed hesitant and said, 'Uhh, ok. Let me just text my sister to make sure."'
"I was dressed in plain clothes, and was hesitantly invited to come inside."
The reveal.
"We walked up to the house."
"Inside was a party of her siblings, and their friends and significant others all dressed up."
"They all looked at me and didn't say much."
"I saw another one of her sisters, and her new boyfriend was in a suit. Everyone was invited."
"The 'no plus 1's' only applied to me."
"I immediately left, and in a text told my fiancé they were off the guest list for our wedding."
"My fiancé is upset at that, because her sister is her close friend."
"She said maybe I did something to upset them which is why I wasn't invited, but I've been nothing but kind and caring to her entire family."
"I've spent hundreds of dollars and gone above and beyond for everyone. Now we are fighting over this."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some thought OP was focusing on the wrong issue.
"NTA"
"Your fiance went along with excluding and manipulating you into believing the 'no +1' rule..."
"No matter how much she may try to pin it on the sister, family, whoever.. she was an active participant."
"A true partner wouldn't have allowed that or at the absolute bare minimum would have been honest with you about why you weren't wanted at the event."
"This behaviour is not even a red flag, it's a biohazard sign."
"You've been together for less than a year so you still have ample room to make a clean break and find someone appreciates and includes you." ~ KestraStar
"NTA, rethink the relationship." ~ Maleficent_Ant2594
"I know."
"I think OP isn't as mad about this as he should be." ~ greenhouse5
"I would NEVER."
"NEVERRR in a million years allow this to happen to my fiancé."
"This is a complete betrayal and it sounds to me like multiple lies were told or upheld by OP's fiancée."
"I'd demand couples counseling after this if not completely rethink the relationship. Absolutely no support." ~ dessert-er
"The guest list for a 2024 wedding is not this issue here."
"Do not allow this to become a discussion focused on her attending that one day."
"That is a discussion for months from now and is irrelevant at the moment."
"Your problem is with your fiancé."
"She knew you were being excluded and not only kept it from you but doubled down by not coming clean when you asked to go in to congratulate the couple."
"Something is very wrong here and you need to have a lot of honest discussions before you decide if there should even be a wedding."
"Again DO NOT allow this communication to be sidetracked by a guest list for an event that is over a year away."
"Your fiancés behavior is extremely concerning if you want a successful relationship with her." ~ ZestycloseOption1533
Communication is a responsibility.
"Absolutely, and at the very least, OP's gotta get some kind of explanation for what the hell is going on here!"
'"Maybe you did something' is obviously not satisfactory. Straight answer or end the relationship." ~ e_hatt_swank
"Even if OP truly did something wrong to the sister or her fiancee, it was their responsibility to say something and address whatever that issue could possibly be like adults."
"Instead they chose to avoid the issue and just hope it would work out, and I guess OP's fiancee was okay with that too because clearly she didn't say anything!"
"OP is just surrounded by inconsiderate people." ~ DVKuno
"Exactly."
"I also think that 'maybe you did something' actually means he definitely did something and the fiancé knows what it is and quietly agrees with her family about it for now or isn't willing to fight them on behalf of her fiancé for now."
"Which is a very, very bad sign."
"Something is way off here, and I'm not sure it's even worth getting to the bottom of it."
"Just break it off." ~ lionne6
Why the rush?
"NTA, but why are you guys rushing to get married so quickly?"
"You haven't even been together for a year. How well can you really know each other?"
"You are still in the 'best behavior' stage of your relationship."
"You have just had a peek at what is lurking behind the honeymoon stage of your relationship."
"Will she always go along with and side with members of her family over you?"
"Will she go out of her way to avoid standing up for you?"
"She didn't even make up an excuse to spare you by not allowing you to come into the venue."
"Instead, she let you be humiliated by finding out that you and only you were not invited in FRONT of the rest of the guests."
"Also, did she even push back at her sister when her sister told her you weren't invited?"
"Your fiance had to have know in advance that you were the only one not invited."
"And from your post, it sounds like she didn't even bother to ask why."
"You may want to slow down on the wedding planning and take some time to really get to know each other before rushing into a marriage."
"Because, seriously dude, the marinara is bubbling over and spilling on those crimson flags your fiancé dropped" ~ PaganCHICK720
"I can't upvote this enough."
"Engaged at six months?"
"You barely know each other!"
"Have you lived together? Been through serious illness together?"
"Struggled financially together? Unpacked trauma together?"
"Pump the brakes OP, or you are in for a lifetime of angst and disappointment. Breaking an engagement is light years less damaging than going thru a divorce." ~ cypresscoydog
Others pointed out how insidious this really was.
"sorry to break it to you buddy but this was planned in advance, they did this to you on purpose and your fiancé was in on it."
"Your first sign was when she told you they would find their own ride, the second is when you asked to come in and your fiancé got skittish and hesitant."
"And the third is everyone who looked at you funny or was shocked to see you knew exactly what was going on and knew you weren't supposed to be there."
"Personal I wouldn't let that slide especially after everything you've done for them, it's clear you're nothing but a bank/ helper to them."
"I'm sorry this happened to you and you have every right to feel the way you do but I hope you dig deeper before you marry into that family cause this whole situation screams 'your not one of us yet but you have to do everything for us' and in families like that it never changes." ~ Global_Twist_313
We all want to feel like we're part of the group.
When that group is cruel or dishonest with you, maybe re-think if that's the right group for you.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.