All brides want to feel their most beautiful on their wedding day.
It's their day to be celebrated and gushed over.
Nobody needs a toxic debbie-downer wandering about.
But every family has those people lurking around.
Dealing with negativity in a wedding can be heartbreaking.
Redditor One_Assignment8752 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for letting my fiancé uninvite his sister to our wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 25 (F[emale]), met my now fiancé (26 M[ale]) five years ago, and we started dating really quickly. A year into our relationship, we met each other's families."
"My family loves him because of how he treats me; he's honestly the most wonderful guy."
"His family also likes me; the only person I've really had problems with is his older sister (29)."
"Ever since I've met his family, his sister has always had a problem with my weight. I've always been on the bigger side, and for the longest time, it took a really long time to gain some self-confidence."
"So, when meeting his family, his sister has always made some remarks about how I should do something about my weight, even going as far as to directly tell me I'm too ugly and fat for her brother, that she doesn't know why he would settle for less."
"My fiancé never heard any of these things because..."
"1)She's always been good at hiding her disgust of me from him, and..."
"2) I never told him because I didn't want to cause trouble between them; he adores his sister."
"Well, we're getting married in 3 months and 2 weeks ago, and I finally found my dream dress."
"I went to my fitting with my mother, F[uture]-M[other-I[n]-L[aw] and S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]."
"As I, my mother and mother-in-law were gushing at how perfect the dress was for me, his sister was looking at me with what can only be described as disgust."
"She went on a long rant about how I would, of course, settle for less because nothing good would actually fit me."
"She went on to detail everything that was wrong with me and how I looked, and even with both my mom and hers trying to stop her, she did not stop, only got worse with her little crash out."
"It got to a point where I had to stop everything and just leave. "
"Before I even got home, my mother had already called my fiancé and told him what happened, so understandably he was furious."
"He sat me down and asked me about it, and for the first time in four years, I told him everything."
"We ended up spending the rest of the day crying with him; he was profusely apologizing for never noticing, and he promised to fix it."
"What I didn't expect was him waking up the next morning and deciding to un-invite his sister to our wedding."
"His exact words were, 'A wedding is a celebration of love between the bride and groom and the people who go, go to celebrate them.'"
"He said that since she clearly cannot be happy for us, she can save both her time and money and just not go, and that was it."
"I didn't expect it, and when I asked him why he would do that, he told me that yes, he loves his sister, will continue to do so, but he will not compromise my day and my happiness just because his sister is small-minded."
"I had no problem with that; his family, however, has all called me to apologize on her behalf and ask him to reconsider,"
"At first I refused, but now, after his mother called me to tell me that I'm being a 'selfish witch' and I'm already tearing her family apart."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"His mother witnessed his sister belittle you at your WEDDING DRESS APPOINTMENT, and YOU'RE the witch??"
"You have nothing to apologize for."
"She will only do the same at the wedding if invited. NTA." ~ Only-Ingenuity7889
"Sounds like sister has been sneakily insulting OP when he wasn't around/looking!!!"
"Totally understand OP not saying anything to keep the peace!"
"But insulting her at her dress fitting - nuh-uh!"
"So glad OP's mom filled him in on what happened!"
"And he's right, if you can't celebrate love, then you shouldn't be there!" ~ WidowTwankey14
"I cannot stand when people demand the victim apologize for being a victim."
"Everyone so rushed to 'apologize' for evil SIL, but now that there are legit consequences, is it the victim evil?"
"Everyone calling OP to 'fix this' is calling the wrong person."
"First off, the calls to fix anything are wasted as SIL is an unrepentant bomb thrower, but the entire force of the family pressure should be berating sister and possibly shunning her from more than just this wedding."
"What's more ironic is that it wasn't even OP that banished her."
"This might be a good time to simply announce to his family they have eloped with OP's immediate family, and if his family can tame SIL and keep her in a cage, maybe they'll come around sometime in the future." ~ Foolish-Pleasure99
"Exactly this!"
"SIL doesn't appear to be sorry, or she would've apologized."
"Sounds like neither of their mothers could get her to shut up, so what would happen if she brought that same attitude to the wedding?"
"Talk about a selfish witch!" ~ Key_Opening6939
"Not just belittle, but completely bully and body shame OP."
"She was trying to get SIL to stop, but that might have been more because of the setting."
"OP's fiancé made the decision knowing the facts; his sister is the one who did the damage."
"The flying monkeys either don't want to ask him, or he's pushed back on retracting the uninviting."
"She hasn't said anything at all, so it may be that she isn't sorry at all.'
"OP, you're going to look beautiful on your wedding day, and it's clear your fiancé sees you as beautiful."
"That's all that matters." ~ lemon_charlie
"This family sounds horrible."
"Why is MIL coming to YOU to call you hateful?"
"You're not the one who uninvited your sister, and you're not the hateful one."
"But somehow it's YOUR fault?"
"Direct your MIL to talk to her son and her own daughter and sort the mess out."
"They may come to you with an apology and a resolution."
"Edit to add - your fiancé sounds like a stand-up guy... next time don't hide stuff from him so that he can help you resolve things."
"You deserve his support; no point in hiding stuff to protect him."
"It comes out anyway." ~ LiveKindly01
"I totally agree it's on the fiancé to handle his family, BUT I kinda want OP's mom to step in again too."
"There's nothing quite like a mom going after another mom for not raising her kid right."
"OP, if you're reading this though, please make sure your fiancé knows about the harassment his family is doing to you."
"I know you hid his sister's actions in the past, but that time is over."
"He needs to know what his mom is doing and needs to have a very frank discussion with her and tell her exactly what he told you when he decided to uninvite his sister." ~ Impressive-Cod-7103
"Tell your future Monster-in-Law that her daughter's behavior over several years is tearing her family apart, not you."
"Also, this is your husband's decision, not yours."
"You support him, but at the end of the day, it is his decision."
"And I agree with the decision."
"Your future Monster-in-Law is only looking at saving face with the extended family."
"She really doesn't care about her daughter's negative behavior on the negative effect it has caused."
"If I were a betting man, I would say the daughter most likely voiced her own opinions about you to the Monster-in-Law."
"The continued behavior would be indicative that the Monster-in-Law cares more about the daughter than her son and your relationship." ~ sog96
"NTA. First of all, your fiancée is worth his weight in gold."
"He did the exact right thing."
"Second, note who didn't call to apologize."
"Until she does, no one should reconsider anything."
"Because she likes bullying you, and you can bet that she will take some shots at the wedding and reception."
"As for your MIL - I can see where the sister gets it from."
"Her first reaction was to blame the victim."
"Do not listen to the MIL - you are not tearing the family apart."
"The family is doing it to protect a bully."
"And your fiancé needs to get his mother on line to make sure she doesn't act up at the wedding either." ~ bamf1701
"NTA. Tell your FMIL that as her son's future wife, your role is to support your husband in how he deals with his family, so you will not be telling him what to do since he has made his decision."
"And then tell him what she and other relatives have been saying to you."
"This is your first test as a couple to make sure you two are always on the same page when it comes to dealing with relatives and backing each other up in those decisions." ~ Creative-Sun6739
"Tell your financé about these messages IMMEDIATELY!!!"
"Do not wait 4 years like you did with the bullying."
"You need to be completely transparent with him; he is going to be your husband."
"Stop hiding the BS his family is throwing at you from him."
"NTA, but you are a bit of an AH for not telling him about the bullying." ~ NefariousnessRich864
"NTA. This is a great lesson that he handles drama that comes from his family, and you will handle any drama coming from yours."
"Not only that, he has your back and will not tolerate her actions."
"Good. For. Him." ~ Proud-Geek1019
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your SIL sounds like a toxic person.
You deserve only good vibes and good people surrounding you on your day.
This may be a difficult road ahead, dealing with his family.
But don't focus on that now.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp