Picking sides in a family issue is always chaos.
It’s especially cumbersome when your an in-law and new to the fold.
How do we speak up while keeping peace?
Case in point…
Redditor JoinDawn637 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for having someone go get my SIL after my husband and his family refused to bring her to the wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (F[emale] 26) wedding was last week.”
“It was amazing except for this issue that occurred that caused a fallout between me and my in-laws.”
“My husband (M[ale] 26) has a younger sister (F19) ‘Cindy’ who’s disabled and is in a wheelchair since she was 7.”
“I noticed that my in-laws do not treat her as a priority and never take her out of the house or include her in any family event and instead have her stay at home.”
“I felt bad for her since the day I met her.”
“She’s sweet but looks broken and lonely.”
“My M[other] I[n] L[aw] started huffing because I tried to get Cindy to join us while eating dinner out or go to the beach.”
“She (MIL) flat out told me she doesn’t like Cindy to be outside to protect her from getting insensitive comments from people, even relatives.”
“But in her home I sensed that she was essentially trying to hide her?”
“I talked to my husband and MIL about wanting Cindy to be at the wedding.”
“They declined saying that she would take away the attention when it should be on us.”
“And said that they couldn’t stand having guests asking questions/making comments about her.”
“We had an argument over this and I insisted that she come and refused to let it go.”
“My husband and MIL finally agreed and said they’d bring her to the wedding.”
“At the wedding I noticed that she wasn’t there as I looked closely.”
“My husband lied saying they brought her but she had to be taken to the back to get her medicine.”
“I waited and felt like he and his mom were lying and stalling.”
“I went to ask others if they saw her and my husband and MIL finally confessed to leaving her at home.”
“I got mad at them then immediately had someone go over to MIL’s house to get Cindy.”
“My husband and MIL started arguing about what I did and said that I was acting recklessly and irrationally.”
“I told them it wasn’t ok that they excluded their own flesh and blood from the wedding and told them that hiding her and acting like she was something to be ashamed of was appalling.”
“Cindy arrived with my husband’s aunt who was with her at the time and I had them sit nearby.”
“I made sure that Cindy enjoyed her time despite feeling out of place a bit.”
“My husband and MIL were pissed at me.”
“And MIL said that what I showed how I will be treating them for years to come, by overriding their wishes and disrespecting them.”
“I told them Cindy’s presence wasn’t hurting anyone.”
“But my husband said I ruined the wedding by making a scene and fussing over this.”
“This set the tone for the rest of the week.”
“He’s still upset with me and keeps having conversations with his mom about what happened and making me out to be the disrespectful one in this situation.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA. Why do you want to be with this man? Seriously, he’s clearly an a**hole.”
“You may be able to get an annulment at this point, and be able to avoid the whole divorce situation.”
“Think about this – if you were to have a child with a disability, how will he and his family treat them?” ~ Wolfenbro
“It’s worse than that.”
“If OP has a disabled child with him, the child will at least have her.”
“The scary thing is what if OP has an accident or becomes unwell and is totally reliant on her husband.”
“She would be left to rot by someone who would probably have next of kin status and could quite possibly be making medical decisions for her.”
“That’s like something out of a horror movie.” ~ pancreaticallybroke
“I have a coworker who has a disabled sister and he always talks about her with so much pride and love.”
“He even shares her story with anyone who ask about her and you can tell the whole family is involved in making her feel loved and happy.”
“They take her on family trips and special places where she can have fun.”
“OP’s in-laws seem cruel and mean.” ~ blu3an
“Didn’t you get the memo that was going around telling everybody that if you don’t have working legs you are useless?”
“Ugh, I hate people like that! I’m glad that the S[ister] I[n] L[aw] now has OP on her side, but how sad for her still.”
“You know they will never let that poor girl live this down even though she did nothing wrong.”
“OP is in for a long life of watching this crap.”
“She can only fight this fight for so long before she just walks away (hopefully inviting SIL to come with her).”
“I really hope OP can help SIL realize she does not deserve this crap and help her find some way to get away from these awful people if she is able to.” ~ MissFingerz
“A close childhood friend (of both of us) with Spina Bifida was a groomsman at my brother’s wedding.”
“He escorted one of the bridesmaids during the recessional.”
“Holding her hand on his left while he navigated his power chair down the aisle with his right.”
“I was paired up with another childhood friend, was out spinning on the dance floor at the reception, and even caught the garter in that toss.”
“He was a big part of our childhood (his family had a pool! So we went over there to go swimming a lot…he wore a floatie so he could swim with us).”
“So of course he was part of the wedding!”
“We grew up with someone who used a wheelchair and had other needs as a part of our life, and never found it weird.”
“He went to the same schools as us, took the same classes.”
“He was a peer except that (primarily) his legs didn’t work, and he needed some other help (he had to wear diapers because he didn’t have control of his body below his mid-chest).”
“But, again, we never found that ‘shameful…’ he was a friend and could do almost everything we could (he even played t-ball with my brother, since he had full use of his upper body, he could hit a ball off a T!).”
“So we’d never exclude him from things!”
“It was all over the local news recently that two people with Down’s graduated from George Mason University this year.”
“They are certainly good at their field of study!”
“The only people who need to be shamed here are the family members hiding their daughter/sister!”
“OP has it right!” ~ JoDaLe2
“This OP. A million times this.”
“If you were to have a child with any sort of disability you now know how your husband and his family will treat them.”
“Is annulment still possible in your jurisdiction?”
“Really think about if you want this for your future.”
“Your husband lied to your face without a second’s hesitation and was clearly just fine with doing so.”
“How can you ever trust a man who is completely happy to lie to you and then blames you when you call him on it?” ~ No-Relationship8777
OP wanted us to know a few things…
“I talked to my husband about it many times and he says that he does not agree on how Cindy is being treated.”
“But since she’s under her parents care then they basically call the shot.”
“They handle all medical care expenses and other expenses that are essential for her.”
“He said he didn’t want to make waves and go against his parents wishes so Cindy won’t pay the price then.”
More thoughts…
“She’s over 18 so that logic doesn’t hold up.”
“Your husband needs to grow a set, a spine, and most of all, a heart.”
“Other users have already pointed out that how he allows Cindy to be treated is indicative of how he would treat his own disabled child.”
“I’ll add to that, what if, heaven forbid, you became disabled or faced a prolonged illness?”
“Would he treat you like an embarrassing secret and shut you away too?”
“NTA, and thank goodness you were there to treat the poor girl like a human being.” ~ AdrianeKay
Well OP, it seems like Reddit feels like you did good.
It’s nice to see Cindy have an advocate.
Good luck with the matrimony.