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Groom Refuses To Remind Mom Not To Wear White To Wedding To Assuage ‘Paranoid’ Fiancée

bride bites her lip
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Weddings can be stressful if people have the unrealistic goal of a perfect day.

And when two families are brought together, inevitably not everyone will get along. Personalities will clash.

Hopefully those conflicts are reserved for distant cousins, but if it’s the bride and her future mother-in-law, the groom finds himself in a tough spot.

A man dealing with tension between his mother and his fiancée turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

No-Ganache-6455 asked:

“AITA for implying my fiancée is paranoid for thinking my mom is going to wear white to our wedding, and not wanting to have a talk with my mom?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“I am currently two months from being married to the love of my life ‘Claire’. I don’t think my mom is a big fan of her or vice versa, but this isn’t some crazy MIL story.”

“My mom hasn’t done anything. It is just a tense awkward feeling when they are both together.”

“Claire admits to not liking my mom and to sharing my suspicion that my mom doesn’t like her. I watch carefully for any actual disrespect, but unfortunately I can’t make them like each other.”

“Claire is upset because my mom doesn’t have her dress yet. All of Claire’s family and friends are over the moon about this wedding, and my future MIL has had her dress picked for months and even had a big shopping day with Claire.”

“My mom keeps saying she hasn’t had time yet which has been stressing Claire, as she is a huge perfectionist who hates leaving anything until the last moment. Claire admits she has been super stressed and wedding obsessed lately.”

“She recently came to me and said she was concerned my mom wanted to wear white. I asked why and she said because ‘why else wouldn’t she have a dress yet?’.”

“I pointed out that we all know my mom is lazy, and a touch selfish. When she says she is too busy we both know she means skiing and hanging out with her boyfriend, not actually busy, but she has done nothing to indicate she would show up like that.”

“She’s a pretty chill person and hasn’t done anything to Claire. Claire said I was implying she was paranoid.”

“I said I felt the wedding stress was getting to her. She admitted it was, but asked if I would talk to my mom.”

“I said sure, I would remind her that she needs to get her dress. Claire asked if I would specifically talk to her about the fear of wearing white.”

“I thought about it for a minute and said I wasn’t comfortable doing that when she has given us no reason to think she would.”

“Claire got annoyed and said she was being a sh*tty future mother-in-law by not having her dress and I need to stop worrying about my mom’s feelings and worry more about hers.”

“That made me feel like sh*t, because up until this point I felt I have only been prioritizing her feelings.”

The OP summed up their predicament.

“I am refusing to do something important to my fiancée because it doesn’t feel important to me, and I will feel silly doing it.”

“I know how stressed she is, yet I implied she was paranoid.”

“I am maybe being selfish as I don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with my mom.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“NTA. Let’s be real. Mom doesn’t need to be reminded not to wear white.”

“She already knows the etiquette, and if she’s planning to breech it, she will do it with or without a reminder. ‘Ohhh you only said not to wear WHITE! This dress is IVORY!’.”

“But if you want the civil solution, initiate a chat with your mom that appears helpful, not lecturing.”

“Like ‘any luck on the dress yet? I thought I’d shoot you pics of the other dresses in case that’s helpful! The bridesmaids are in this color. Claire’s mom is wearing this. If you don’t want to be “matchy-matchy,” you should stay away from that color! Oh, and of course, no shades of white, haha!’.” ~ Ready_Tank_7463

“NTA. I’m just here to say my MIL was fully planning to wear a white lace gown to our wedding until my husband (fiancé at the time) explained why she should definitely pick another colour.

“Oh, and apparently, ‘all the sales ladies and her friend’ at the shop also thought nothing of this. It still baffles me since my MIL is very proper, but she claimed she had no clue this was frowned upon.”

“And we got along great at the time, she even insisted on buying my dress for me as my mother had passed. I tried to decline multiple times, but she insisted to the point I felt I could not say no, and instead said thank you.” ~ NamasteVibeMama

“NTA. It’s pretty exhausting that people care so much about white being the bride’s special color to be honest with you. I mean, brides should get to wear what they want, and if that is white, then great!”

“But it’s a trend that was started by Queen Victoria and meant to symbolize purity/virginity. Most importantly, it is a sign of wealth, that the wearer and her family have the necessary funds for such an impractical gown that will likely not be worn again.”

“Neither of my grandmothers wore white at their weddings because it wasn’t quite as popular as that point for normal people. They both wore nice dresses in colors that flattered them.”

“My Mom wore a white dress, but she and all of her friends passed that dress around, and it was worn in about 8 weddings, I think, along with the bridesmaids’ dresses.”

“I don’t know if I will ever get married, but if I do I plan to wear a blue and pink floral gown because that’s what I feel most beautiful in.”

“And I won’t be upset if anyone wears white, blue, or pink. If anyone at my wedding doesn’t know I am the bride, then that’s their problem.” ~ neuro_curious

“NTA. I’m struggling to understand why anyone would be bothered about what colour dress or clothes any of their wedding guests decided to wear. Can anyone explain, besides ‘because it’s bad etiquette’?”

“I guess I’d be peeved if my MIL wore an actual wedding dress to my wedding, but beyond that, I don’t think I’d be bothered. And if she did that, she’d be making herself look like a nut-case, not me.” ~ Not_Half

“NTA. I don’t think you’re an a**hole, but tell your mom to stop procrastinating and get a dress. It’s your mom, you need to address it.” ~ frankbeans82

“NTA for this dress question. But you are an a**hole for not figuring out what is going on between your mom and your fiancée.”

“Instead of burying your head in the sand, communicate. Ask your mom why she has issues with her. Clear the air.” ~ Trick_Delivery4609

“NTA. Sounds like his mom wants to mind her own business and enjoy her life, while his future wife wants to micromanage and make everyone do things in advance so she can make sure they are done ‘right’—judge/control them.”

“A chill person who isn’t in a rush to get things done in advance probably wouldn’t like that. There’s no actual reason OP’s mom needs this dress picked out months in advance other than Claire is stressing about it.”

“But that’s not a real problem or deadline—it’s Claire causing a problem out of nothing and nagging others about it. And when they don’t do things her way fast enough, she assumes they must be up to something because if they weren’t why wouldn’t they act how she thinks is best.”

“That’s just not going to be a likable personality to a lot of people. Being high-strung and getting things done in advance is fine, but being controlling, judgmental, pushy, and assuming the worst of others are not great traits.”

“I’m not saying OP’s mom is a treasure; I honestly have no idea. But I also don’t understand what’s so selfish about her living her own life instead of rushing to pick out a dress months early because *checks notes* if she dosen’t Claire will make up bad intentions?”

“Like, what’s the actual reason she needs to do this months in advance? She’s an adult woman, we can’t just trust her to pick out her own clothing, but need to create artificial early deadlines so Claire can judge people’s outfits as what? Good enough or not?” ~ TheHatOnTheCat

“NTA. Two months is a long time to pick out a dress. Claire wants things done her way and is utterly failing to see that not everyone shares her super organized ethos.”

“I suppose this could be the wedding stress, but I suspect she’s always like this. I see nothing that OP’s mom has done wrong, and a lot that Claire has done wrong in making a problem out of thin air and assigning negative connotations to the wind she’s created.” ~ handyrae

“NTA. I’m a person who is laid back and doesn’t like to be rushed or told how to do things. But I get my stuff done on time and I don’t let people down.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m lazy or selfish. I’m just not one to plan months in advance or to stress out over something so meaningless as dress shopping. Give me a freaking break!” ~ Particular_Class4130

Most people felt it was pointless or even harmful to float the idea that OP’s mom would wear white.

They also thought Claire needed to calm down. Her future mother-in-law isn’t a bridesmaid, so she could buy a nice dress off the rack the day of the wedding, and everything would be fine.

Why add more stress when it’s unnecessary?

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.