The direction of “if you see something, say something,” could be applied to just about anything–including a warning sign in a relationship.
Redditor Ok_Professional_6987 has a friend with whom he served in the military and was getting married.
But when the Redditor saw something indicating a red flag in his buddy’s relationship, he did something about it that had consequences.
He visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (ATIA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA For ruining my best friend’s engagement?”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“My girlfriend thinks I did nothing wrong but advised me to try reddit for a broader opinion.”
“We’re all mid 30s.”
“My best friend D and I go back a long way, we served in the military together and as much as I love him I’ll admit he’s prone to getting a bit blinded in a relationship.”
“He’s aware of this too and has in the past asked me to tell him if he’s not seeing flaws in his partners.”
“D has been with his current partner E for 2 years (engaged 6 months)and I’ve had a few concerns but nothing major. They got engaged recently and we were all happy for him.”
“Due to work issues I had to go in his place for a few wedding planning things and had some concerns about the way she talked to people serving us – rude and entitled.”
“I mentioned this to my gf (who has never taken to E) and she confirmed E quote ‘was a total [entitled woman]’ at times.
“I’ve always believed in the old adage ‘judge a man by how he treats his inferiors’ so when I saw E tear into a waitress over cold coffee and complain to the manager I recorded it (surreptitiously) and sent it to D.”
“D broke it off once he heard the recording and I received a message from E telling me I’d quote ‘ruined her life.'”
“I know D well enough to know that seeing E at her ‘worst’ like that would have been a death sentence for their relationship and I worry if I’d raised my concerns earlier then perhaps D could have tempered E’s behaviour and they wouldn’t have had to end the relationship.”
“I’ve tried to keep this brief but let me know if you need more information.”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Redditors seemed to agree the OP was not the a**hole in the situation.
“NTA- If D didn’t like that part of her personality and she knew to hide it then their relationship was never going to last.” – sirro-glum
“I’m sure that your friend is thanking you for having his back like that.”
“People who sh*t talk and tear into waiters/waitresses and fast food workers (or any service provider in general tbh) suck.”
“The fact that she slipped up in front of you means that she was getting ‘comfortable’ in her position as his fiancee to assume that he would ‘never’ dump her for her attitude.”
“That just means that had you not informed him she would have started being more blatantly rude to others (includinf yourself and your friemd) and probably would have become extremely toxic after the wedding.”
“If she is hiding behavior like that and is comfortable enough to show that side of her now, what other nasty traits about herself could she be hiding?” – TheoryAddict
“Did she ever get a chance to explain herself? Was she was stressed and truthfully acting outside of her norms?”
“Not saying I believe there’s a big chance of that… but hopefully she got to explain her side of the story.”
“It’s not uncommon to be ‘on your best behavior’ around a new romance so it wouldn’t surprise me to see the [real person] by accident… but maybe she’d never been that way before.”
“NTA for raising red flags for your war buddy though.” – wernercd
“Studies show it takes two years before we start being our full, real selves in relationship. Sounds like her revelation was just on time.NTA.” – LimitlessMegan
“NTA. All you did was show him what she was really like. He’s a grown man and made his own decisions.”
“You didn’t ruin her life. She did that all by herself.” – Ok-Mode-2038
“Nope. She wouldn’t have improved herself. It would’ve been an act.”
“Are you familiar with the shopping cart test? Basically, we all know returning your cart is the right thing to do. People who return their carts demonstrate good, positive qualities.”
“They don’t need to be told how to behave, they can self regulate, they understand how to help make things better. People who don’t return their carts simply don’t care.”
“Your friend’s ex doesn’t care. She wouldn’t return a shopping cart because she is worried it might ding another car, or that it causes a worker extra stress, or that the cart might end up blocking a spot. She doesn’t want to do her part to make this world better.”
“So if you told him and he tried to get her to change, it would all be for show. She would return her cart because there are cameras watching, not because she cares.”
“There’s no reason a fully grown adult needs someone to monitor their behavior. Saying to someone, ‘Wow you were a bit sharp with that waitress’ is very very different than ‘stop treating people like dirt.'”
“If you have to be told to stop treating people terribly, you’re probably a terrible person. Good people don’t act like assholes on the regular.” – OddSun115
The OP gave an update to clarify the following:
“I want to make one thing clear, I believe my reporting to D was fully justified, my concern is that I delayed raising my concerns and gave E no chance to improve her behaviour.”
“A few people have raised concerns over my use of the word ‘inferiors’ and a few of you have just sent me abusive messages about it. Please let me be clear I was using the quote as I have always known it but I do not view ANYONE as my inferior.”
“The meaning of the quote has come to mean anyone over whom you have a degree of authority or power such as waiting staff, I do not view service staff (an area both D and I have worked) as lessers/inferiors or anything else. Apologies for any offence caused.”
Overall, a majority of Redditors sided with the OP for doing D a great favor.