A 17-year-old guy who was dating a girl found their relationship was starting to blossom when she uttered those three words of affection to him.
Little did his girlfriend know, however, that he was struggling with his sexuality.
Redditor sleeplessghosts wondered about the one obstacle that was holding him back from having a full realization of his sexuality.
He asked the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit:
“AITA for coming out to my girlfriend?”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“So, for backstory. I’ve always been pretty awkward around girls, and never really felt what everyone else described as ‘butterflies’ or anything.”
“I simply assumed it was due to age, maybe I was just too young for all that (I’m almost 18) and that probably the media had influenced me, giving me really high expectations that just couldn’t be met.”
“So with every girl I dated, it was always a very friendly feeling, and I wasn’t really a fan of kissing/making out.”
“I started dating this girl around October/November 2019. We got together, and everything seemed to be going well.”
“We were in different high schools, so we couldn’t hang out every day, but we made it work and just tried to enjoy ourselves.”
“Then quarantine happened, and we basically found ourselves in a long distance relationship.”
“As I said, I never really loved the most physical part of relationships, so being apart didn’t bother me too much on that level. Of course I missed her, I missed my friends too, but it had to be done.”
“About one month into lockdown, after we’d been texting for some hours late at night, she said she loved me.”
“I told her I did too. I do love her, she’s one of the most amazing people I know, and though I felt nervous saying those words for the first time, I was happy.”
“Sure, it wasn’t as intense as books or movies made it seem to be, but it was nice.”
“Cut to about a month later, and she says how much she misses making out (cue me giving awkward finger guns while walking away) and I’m hit by a realization.”
“I feel more when I’m looking at boys on Instagram than I do when I kiss girls. Even my girlfriend.”
“From that moment, I spend weeks hating myself and trying to find a way to just, you know, make myself straight. It sounds awful, but yeah.”
“Of course, that’s not possible, so I decide that she deserves honesty, and come out to her as soon as we can go out again.”
“She immediately starts attacking me, saying I shouldn’t have said it, that I should have kept it to myself. That I should have kept on pretending, to make our relationship work.”
“At first I thought she was being crazy, but when I told my friends about it, they agreed with her, saying it was an a**hole move, and that I shouldn’t have told her I was gay.”
“So here I am, asking strangers if it was actually such a terrible thing.”
“I was genuinely convinced I was making the right decision, but apparently I was wrong.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to weigh in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors assured the OP he did the right thing by coming out and being true to himself.
“NTA – your realisation came at an awkward time, but it’s not your fault. You cannot control your sexuality.”
“Your girlfriend is entitled to be hurt, but her saying you should have lied to her about a very important part of yourself is, frankly, stupid. And your so-called friends aren’t any better.”
“It’s much better that you were honest with her from the beginning. If you had stayed in a relationship and just pretended like you were into her, it would have been very harmful to the both of you.” – Worthless_Tired
The OP concurred about the unfortunate timing of his realization.
“I agree it wasn’t the best time, and I didn’t want her to feel like it was because of the distance, but I think that being apart made me actually confront my issues.”
“I also felt horrible for not telling her, so this seemed to be the best thing. Thank you for your comment!”
This Redditor took issue with the OP’s friends.
“Definitely NTA, to begin with. Now picking up from there, your friends telling you you should be straight is definitely AH move.”
“It’s a good thing you were honest with her and later in life she’ll be thankful that you didn’t play with her feelings and keep stringing her along. The GF does have a right to feel hurt, it hurts whenever a relationship ends, expecially unexpectedly.”
“Don’t let that affect you thought, be kind and considerate of her feelings but don’t let them define how you deal with things. Anyways that’s all. Good luck with your future dating!” – CatsPatzAndStuff
“GF lashing out a little understandable, if unkind. Friends, though? Those are not friends.”
“OP NTA, did the best he could with the information he had and stood up straight and told the truth.” – Zhoenish
This Redditor who was in a similar situation regretted the way he came out to his girlfriend.
“OP you did the right thing. I tried to not do that to my then GF at the time. I made up a reason and it made it worse.”
“Truth is I did love her just not attracted to her. We fought until I finally came clean and her response was ‘why didn’t you just tell me? I could live with that rather than thinking I did something wrong.'”
“Your GF has it all wrong. Why try to work on a relationship that is not going to work? Most of those relationships where one person is in the closet usually ends in resentment.”
“Live your gay life. You’re NTA.” – ansteve1
This Redditor agreed that delaying the truth would be more damaging later on.
“Your ex (?) is attacking you because she’s hurt and can’t attack anyone else. That doesn’t excuse her behavior, and I’m glad you found out something great about yourself, but teenage puppy love can be weird with hormones and stuff.”
“I’m sure she’ll come around and hopefully you two can be good friends. Either way you did nothing wrong.”
“Not telling her would have hurt her (and you) more in the long run.” – adeiner
Now, about those “friends.”
“NTA – Get new friends.”
“If you’re into reasons and explaining things, this might help. Scientists have found a gene sequence that they believe is linked to homosexuality. This was a happy moment for the LGBT movement because one of the key things being championed was it’s NOT A CHOICE.”
“You don’t get to decide what colour your hair or eyes are without some uncomfortable or time consuming practices. You can’t ‘be straight’ without feeling like a piece of sh*t who’s lying to yourself. So don’t, you deserve to feel good.”
“When lockdown lifts I suggest going to a gay bar. When someone approached you say you don’t want anything but just realised you’re gay and need someone to talk to.”
“You’ll probably find at least one person willing to talk it out, and if you’re into one night stands maybe have some experimental fun.” – SendarSlayer
Aside from the fact that the OP is 17, this Redditor was not entirely on board with referring the OP to a gay bar to look for a genuine connection.
“Just by the by, recommending a gay bar to meet people is a bit ick.”
“Not only is he underage, but alcohol and the queer community don’t have the best relationship. I’d much rather recommend looking for queer clubs and socials, there are lots of much more wholesome ways to meet people.”
“Not to mention, recommending a bar to go and talk to strangers about issues they’re facing isn’t only far fetched but also dangerous.”
“And then recommending one night stands to someone just coming to terms with their sexuality? This whole thing is a mess.” – snitchnipple
This person was among the minority of Redditors who believed the OP should have broken up with his girlfriend without telling her the truth.
“ESH. You could have ended the relationship without telling her you were gay. At that age, such revelation can really hurt a girl’s self esteem.
“She’s an AH for pretending that you should continue the relationship after that.” – Maru3792648
The OP responded:
“Hi, you’re absolutely right. I could have simply kept it to myself, but 1) I knew she was going to ask for reasons why I wanted to break up and lying wouldn’t have worked and 2) she had every right to know the truth.”
“I feel like if I came up with something else, it would have hurt her even more. Maybe it wasn’t the best, but it felt like the only choice that didn’t end up making everything even worse.”
According to everyone else on the thread, the OP made a wise decision. Redditors encouraged him to find new friends—and eventually—a boyfriend.