Every relationship is different, and what we expect from it varies from person to person, and from relationship to relationship. Some relationships can tolerate behaviors and missteps that others simply cannot.
But we generally can all agree that lying is hurtful and wrong, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor blazerlaser1 was angry when he found out that the woman he was dating and getting serious with had been withholding a major piece of information from him.
But when he was criticized for being upset about it, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he handled the situation poorly.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for requesting my date pay me back because she lied?”
The OP was immediately interested in a woman named Morgan.
“About four months ago my (26 Male) friend invited me to come over and watch a game.”
“While there, my friend’s girlfriend invited over her friend named Morgan (27 Female).”
“Morgan and I had an immediate connection. She was really cute and had a good personality, so I was interested.”
“I asked my friend’s girlfriend to set me up, and she did. I got Morgan’s contact info and we started texting.”
He was honest about his feelings about single moms and kids.
“During the conversation, I asked if she had any kids, and she said no. Perfect.”
“I don’t date single moms. I’ve had issues with it in the past and it’s just not something I’m comfortable doing anymore.”
“I told her this and she said she understood.”
Five dates later, the OP made a big discovery.
“So we have gone on 5 dates now. Every single one has been a good time. We have a good vibe together and laugh a lot.”
“Morgan asked me on the first date to top golf. And ever since we’ve been making mutual plans to meet.”
“Well, after the 5th date and her staying over, I looked her up on Facebook to add her because I saw this as going somewhere.”
“And I was in shock. She had a kid on her profile.”
“I thought maybe it was a nephew, but I kept scrolling and found more pics. Definitely her kid.”
The OP confronted Morgan.
“So I texted and asked her if she had a kid.”
“She said, ‘Why are you asking?'”
“I told her about what I found on Facebook.”
“She then admitted to having a kid. She said she didn’t like to bring him up until she knew she could trust a guy and that she’s at the point now where she could trust me.”
“But I said that is bulls**t because she knew my stance on dating single moms.”
“I felt like my time has been wasted.”
Then the OP took things a step further.
“I decided I would Venmo her, requesting money for the tickets we bought together for an upcoming country concert.”
“We live in a city, and in total, the 5 dates probably cost me $400 dollars.”
“I wasn’t gonna Venmo request her for all the dates as I make good money and didn’t feel the need to do that.”
“But I did Venmo request her for 1 of the tickets and $50 for the dates. Around $100 total.”
The OP was then called out for his behavior.
“I guess Morgan told my friend’s girlfriend because she texted me, saying that I’m being an AH.”
“My friend is defending me, saying that I shouldn’t have been lied to.”
“He added that paying $100 is nothing compared to the hundreds I spent on dates and that she still has the ticket.”
“AITA?”
The OP edited the post to clarify his stance on dating single moms.
She was very attractive, funny, and had a great personality.”
“But we talked for 3ish months and could only get together 5 times. That’s my reason. Single moms just don’t have the flexibility and time.”
“I like to be spontaneous. I’m the ‘Hey, wanna meet for a drink after work’ type. And that just isn’t possible with a single mom.”
“Also eventually the relationship becomes, ‘Hey, come over and just hang with me at my place,’ and then you are playing stepdad all night, watching movies with a kid.”
“It’s just not the lifestyle I want.”
“Also, the baby daddy/no baby daddy thing always leads to drama. It’s just not typically worth it when you have other options.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that Morgan had deceived him.
“She used OP knowing full well it wasn’t going to go anywhere because he doesn’t want to date a single mom.”
“She wasted his time and money, and then tried to cover it with some bulls**t about not wanting him to know until ‘she can trust him.'”
“It’s one thing to not introduce your kid to someone until you trust them. It’s another to outright conceal the fact that you have a child because you know it will put off many men.”
“I don’t think he’s wrong to ask for some money back when she outright and intentionally deceived him.” – nursepenguin36
“I think it’s more like Morgan dated him and made sure he had a good time so that — months later — when she finally got around to admitting she had a child, she hoped he would like her enough that he would continue the relationship and gloss over the fact that she lied.”
“OP could have saved himself a lot of anguish if he had checked her Facebook sooner, though.” – Rodney_Copperbottom
“You said, ‘that she’s at the point where she trusts me.'”
And somehow that trust was only a one-way street. She had no qualms knowingly lying to him the entire time.”
“She could have easily milked him for more if he had never discovered her lie. I believe she would have concealed her kid for as long as possible.” – DannyBigD
“This isn’t an issue of not being compatible. This is an issue of deliberately deceiving someone.”
“If he had not found out, she would have strung him along for as long as possible, hoping she would be able to trick him into developing feelings for her and making it much harder for him to bail when he found out about the kid, which was his upfront deal-breaker.” – WillfullyUnwoke
“Kudos to the OP for standing up for himself. I’m glad he is asking for some monetary compensation for his time. He’s never going to see that money, but I think it sends a message. Don’t lie to people and waste their time.” – WithoutDennisNedry
“Most people agree to go on a date because at that point, they believe they can be compatible. They haven’t found any red flags or dealbreakers yet so they go. If one pops up during the date, or later that’s that and they go separate ways.”
“Now, if you have an absolute dealbreaker, and mention it to your prospective date and ask them about it, and they lie, that’s basically running a scam. They’re lying because they know you’d leave before the date either to get money out of you (paying for dates) and/or to find a replacement mommy/daddy because it’s harder to leave when you’re emotionally invested.” – tawny-she-wolf
“It’s not deciding he just doesn’t like her, though. He made it clear to her from the beginning that he doesn’t want to date a woman with kids. He straight up asked her if she had kids and she just lied.”
“She literally wasted OPs time as well as her own. There needs to be some sort of consequence to her actions, because honestly, I wouldn’t be shocked if she’d pull this bulls**t with another guy down the line.”
“I fully understand not wanting to introduce your kid to a brand new partner until you feel comfortable and trusting with the new partner. But like, mention the kid, for f**k’s sake, why hide the kid?” – borderline_cat
A few thought the OP should just move on without the reimbursement.
“ESH.”
“Yeah, she lied to you, but asking for date money back is petty and it makes you look really terrible.”
“Just sell the tickets on StubHub, cut your losses, and move on.” – Krakengreyjoy
“For real, imagine if you decided you didn’t like someone and then asked to be paid for the dates, it’s so strange.” – Alternative-Pea-4434
“I don’t think asking fur previous dates to be refunded is right. But the ticket to the future concert is a different matter.” – BikingOtter
“Just cut your losses and move on. I’m a childfree woman and before I met my husband, I would put in my dating profiles that I was childfree, had zero intentions of having children, and I was uninterested in single dads.”
“Of course, single dads lied to me about being fathers. It blows, it really does. But at some point, you just cut your losses and move on.”
“OP, sure, you can Venmo request money because yes, YOU were at least upfront about your boundaries but she wasn’t and lied by omission.”
“I suggest you start going dutch at this point, OP. It’s what I did. Plus, for me as a woman, I had the added benefit that I felt no obligation to my date for anything more than my company during our dates. Once you know for sure, you can start sharing date paying responsibilities.” – hdmx539
While the people immediately around the OP had mixed feelings, the subReddit solidly sided with the OP on this matter. They agreed with him that Morgan had misled him willingly and that it was a reason to end the relationship.
The only part they didn’t wholly agree on was the Venmo situation. Some felt it was an important thing to do, as it might teach Morgan not to do it to another man in the future. Others, however, thought it was best to cut the OP’s losses and move on, rather than spending even more time on this situation.