What might be a deal breaker for one relationship might not be for another.
But a person disrespecting their partner really should always be a deal breaker, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor AccordingBoard6448 was incredibly uncomfortable with his girlfriend going on a friend trip with all male friends, including a guy she had a history with.
When she completely disregarded his feelings and went on the trip without another word, the Original Poster (OP) questioned the depth of their relationship.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for not telling my girlfriend I was gonna break up with her if she went on vacation male friends?”
The OP’s girlfriend didn’t listen to him when he set a boundary with her.
“Basically, my girlfriend went on vacation with her male friends.”
“I told her this made me uncomfortable, and I didn’t want her to go. By the way, she used to hook up with one of them before she met me.”
“She told me it’d be fine and that they were like brothers to her.”
Feeling disrespected, he decided that was that.
“I had already made the decision to break up with her right there and then, but I wanted to get my stuff from her place before anything, and I figured I should do that while she was gone.”
“I also didn’t want to break up over text or call, so I waited for her to come back.”
“I picked her up when she came back, dropped her off, gave her the key to her place back, and broke up.”
The OP’s ex-girlfriend didn’t appreciate how he handled things.
“She started crying, and she figured out it was because of the vacation. She kept saying that nothing happened.”
“I told her she knew I wasn’t comfortable with this trip, and told her that, and she still went.”
“She mentioned that I should have said that I’d break up with her if she went and that if she knew, she’d never would have gone.”
“I told her I didn’t want to be controlling and threaten her with ending the relationship.”
“We kept going back and forth over this for a while.”
“AITAH?”
After receiving an initial wave of feedback, the OP clarified a few details.
“She never actually introduced me to these friends, even though I mentioned I wanted to meet them. She kept making excuses.”
“She never TOLD me she used to hook up with her friend. I only found out because I found an old pic of them kissing when she was showing me some old travel pics. She admitted to it then.”
“I was OKAY WITH THEIR FRIENDSHIP until NOW. This was just too much for me.”
“Most of y’all are cool, but I swear, some of y’all act like cheaters don’t exist.”
“Did she cheat on me? Who knows. But at this point, I was sick of doubting her honesty.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some argued that the OP was the AH for making assumptions.
“In a way, sad. She didn’t do anything behind your back that you know of, you are the one who is insecure. Then you don’t even communicate that this was relationship-ending, and you walk out.”
“She could have possibly been more sensitive to how you were feeling, but to not even communicate?”
“YTA, yes. Learn to be a better person in a relationship.”
“Everyone has ‘baggage,’ many people are friends afterward; you can’t just break up because you were uncomfortable.”
“I think she was one who will be happier that you are gone.” – Difficult_Eggplant4u
“I’m going to go against the grain and say YTA because you try to act like you aren’t giving ultimatums or being controlling, but that’s exactly the behavior you enacted but just didn’t have the spine to tell her straight up.”
“If you don’t trust your girlfriend enough to go on vacation with a group of friends, then that says more about you than her. Having a sexual relationship with someone in the past doesn’t mean she’s continuing to have one. You’re straight up telling her who she can and can’t be friends with, and she’s not allowed to spend time with previous boyfriends, you sad, sad little man.”
“Good luck finding your perfect virgin, demure, submissive girlfriend in the future. Maybe next time you’ll have some emotional maturity and actually trust the person you’re supposedly dating.” – Whittaker
“YTA. I don’t get why people are so scared of the person they dating hanging out with members of the opposite sex. Jumping from ‘I am uncomfortable with this’ to ‘this is a deal breaker’ is poor communication.”
“Personally, I would dump anyone who said I can not hang out with girls because they are too insecure to handle it. If the only way you can keep your girlfriend is to hide her in the basement, your relationship won’t last.” – Zealousideal-Bowl-27
“Dude, what I wanna know is how did you actually tell her?”
“Was it a one-off comment like a passive ‘Hey, I don’t really like that and don’t want you to go?’ Or was it like, ‘Hey, I don’t want to date someone who thinks it’s okay for them to go away with members of the opposite sex. I know that’s not what this trip originally was, but now that it is, I’m very uncomfortable, and this would be crossing a very firm boundary for me on what I’m willing to accept in a relationship.’ …because there’s a HUGE difference.”
“If you didn’t communicate it somewhat like the second version, then you’re very much in the wrong and should’ve communicated how much of a dealbreaker this was for you.”
“Also, you said you made your decision right then and there… She obviously didn’t tell you as she was leaving, so did you act normal and kiss her before she left? Did you text her like everything was fine while she was gone?” – ilikeabbreviations
“If she was a good partner and you two had a real bond, YTA.”
“A good partner is forthcoming and would discuss potential consequences before deliberating on how to execute them in a way that was certain to maximize the devastation felt by the other unaware partner.”
“If you were not upfront in that situation, you are immature at best, and she is better off without you.” – buyfreemoneynow
But others felt the OP’s girlfriend should have been more respectful of his feelings.
“NTA. Also, the fact that she claims she wouldn’t have gone if she knew you’d break up over it doesn’t make it better, it makes it worse.”
“It shows she doesn’t care how it affects you unless it becomes a problem for her, too. That is zero integrity and that is not long-term partner material.”
“It should not take you leaving or thinking about leaving for her to not dismiss your feelings. That’s asinine.” – Insomniac-Ninja
“Aaaaand then she went and faulted you for NOT giving her an ultimatum.”
“NTA, at all. You handled it perfectly.”
“It’s very important to establish standards in a relationship and stick to them when the going gets tough. In life, you will rarely receive validation from the other party for the hard choices you make. Be honest and clear enough with yourself to be able to validate yourself.” – Adept-Ad-473
“That would have sounded like an ultimatum. Only one of two things would happen if you told her ahead of time: a) She would cancel her trip, and then resent you for it, and probably complain about it constantly, or b) She would have gone anyway and then acted surprised and hurt when you actually broke up with her. (I know option b from personal experience.)”
“In addition, you are free to break up with your girlfriend at any time for any reason. NTA.” – rjs617
“NTA. Listen, you told her how you feel and that you were uncomfortable with the situation. Not all of them can be like brothers since she previously hooked up with one of them, and you don’t hook up with your brother, lol (laughing out loud).”
“You didn’t try and force her to stay or give her an ultimatum that you’d break up with her if she goes, which would have been wrong. You expressed how you felt, and she decided to ignore that and go anyway.”
“I get that she didn’t think you would break up with her for going and says if she knew, she wouldn’t have gone, but does that make it better? I don’t think so. She still would have wanted to go but just wouldn’t have out of fear of the relationship ending. Did she invite you on this vacation? Was it just her and the guys, or others, too? Would she have been okay if you went on vacation with a bunch of girls, including one you used to hook up with without her?”
“Regardless, you set your boundaries, and she broke them. She didn’t know this would be the consequence, but sometimes you have to live with the consequences of your actions.” – funguy2211711
“NTA. You told her you were uncomfortable, and she went anyway. If she cared about you and respected you, she wouldn’t have gone. You don’t need to give someone an ultimatum for there to be consequences for their actions. Her trip was more important to her than you were.” – Vandreeson
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an important update in a second post.
“Her male friend reached out to me on Instagram, the one she used to hook up with. He asked if I was dating my ex, and I told him what happened.”
“He apologized. He said he didn’t know that we were still dating. He said that my ex was talking mad sh*t about me, and he was confused.”
“My ex-girlfriend told him we broke up months ago. And they have been hooking up regularly since. Yes, including the trip. The guy even showed me some pics of the two of them kissing during the trip.”
“So that explains why she never wanted me to meet them.”
“So all my suspicions were correct.”
“The guy seemed like a decent guy; he apologized a lot for what he did. I don’t hold any resentment towards him, and I’m glad that I got confirmation that I made the right decision.”
“So to all of you who supported me, thanks a lot. I appreciate it.”
“And one last comment to some of you: my ‘insecurity’ kept me from wasting any more of my time.”
The subReddit was really divided over how the OP handled the situation, with some focused on trust and others focused on respect.
But after seeing the OP’s update and a confirmation of what happened on that trip, it was probably better in this situation for him to trust his instincts and respect his own boundaries since his now-ex-girlfriend clearly had not.