A 32-year-old man who was the product of an affair found out his 85-year-old father’s past was disrupting his present.
Redditor ThrowRA_Sugar19 had abandoned his former promiscuous life and settled down with a 30-year-old woman he loves and respects.
But when he discovered some startling information about his girlfriend (GF), he felt his world turned upside down. Not wanting to break up, he turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit to ask strangers to weigh in.
He posted:
“I just found out that my girlfriend was my dad’s sugar baby.”
The Original Poster (OP) started by commenting on the title he chose.
“I know the title sounds ridiculous and I don’t blame you for not believing me. Throwaway cause I don’t want anyone I know to know about this.”
“Background: I’m a product of my father’s affair. He’s from a country in Southeast Asia where arranged marriages are normal for the old rich elite.”
“When he was on a business trip in New York 30+ years ago he had an affair with my mom and had me. See, in their (my?) culture, men are pretty much expected to have several mistresses.”
“Its pretty normal for them to have several and have kids with them too. The thing is, you have to at least try to be discreet about the whole thing and you have to fully support your other family.”
“It’s pretty much the unspoken rule according to my older (half) brother who explained things to me when him and my older (half) sister came to visit me. They’re the ‘legit’ kids.”
“Because of this ‘rule’ my mother and I lived in luxury, where she didn’t need to work and I had pretty much everything I wanted.”
“My dad showed up when he was in town a few times a year but I never really got close to him. I’ve dealt with a lot of issues because of that which led to my rich f’kboy lifestyle in my late teens to mid 20s.”
“Well, when I was about 28, I made a conscious decision to change my life cause I didn’t like who I became. I started investing my dad’s money and I’m currently doing pretty well for myself.”
“Now here’s the issue: 2 years ago, I met my current GF, who let’s call Kate, through a mutual friend. We hit it off, despite her being really shy at first.”
“She had a great career in finance and had her own money, which was a breath of fresh air compared to the gold diggers I used to date. We wanted the same things in life… house, kids, and a mature adult relationship between two equals that leads to marriage.”
“We agreed to open communication which lead to a conversation about each other’s past. I told her who I used to be and what I did and, while she definitely wasn’t thrilled to hear my body count, she was very accepting and didn’t judge me for it.”
“She then told me that while she had a lot less partners than me (less than 10), she was a sugar baby in college which was how she was able to pay for her education without going into debt. I didn’t mind nor did I judge her for it.”
“I mean… everyone has a past, right?”
“I believe its all about who you are now and who you want to be in the future that really matters and she agrees. This was about a year ago.”
“Things have been going great so far. Kate and I are still madly in love, both doing well in our careers, we bought our first house together, got a rescue dog, and marriage is definitely something we are building towards.”
“A few days ago though, I got a rare call from my brother, asking me if I was willing to fly to my dad’s home country after this pandemic is over.”
“Apparently our father had cancer and while he’s in no danger now, he wanted to have all his children together at least once in his lifetime before complications started kicking in.”
“Other than his two children from his marriage, he had me, a girl in the UK, and 2 in his home country. He was apparently too old to give a f’ck about saving face and my brother then sent me a family picture with our other 2 half siblings who were already there with them.”
“I showed Kate and she turned pale. I asked her what was wrong and she then told me something that would haunt me.”
“My dad was her sugar daddy.”
“I didn’t know how to react and to be honest, I still don’t. My dad apparently gave her a different name and claimed to be from a different country, which is why she wasn’t alarmed when I told her about who my dad was and my situation.”
“She was positive it was him after looking at the pictures again, and seeing some of the other ones online (I never showed her my dad’s picture before). I asked her for details and she said they met online.”
“Dad paid for her tuition fees, paid her bills, bought her expensive gifts, and took her around the world in secret. Standard sugar baby stuff. It lasted for about 3 years and after that, he left her with enough money to pay for her final year.”
“I know its not her fault and she definitely didn’t want things to end up like this but I cant get over it right now. I know I said the past is past but right now, my brain switches from seeing her as the future mother of my kids to someone my then 70 year old father used to sleep with.”
“She’s been nothing but understanding since then and has given me space or comfort depending on what I need. I’ve told her several times that this is my problem and she didn’t do anything wrong but she says she also feels guilty about the whole thing and I think its been affecting her too.”
“I love her and I don’t want to break up.”
“She’s the best thing thats ever happened to me and I can still see a happy future with her despite this. Its just that right now… I don’t know.”
“I’m trying to get rid of the mental image of her and my dad together but I just won’t go away. I feel lost.”
“I feel like my own brain is punishing me somehow. Maybe this is my karma for sleeping around in the past? I don’t know.”
“I know this is my burden to carry and I need to get over it. It’s not Kate’s responsibility to bring me back from this but she acts like it is.”
“Will therapy help? I want to deal with this as soon as possible and move on with my life.”
“If you guys have been in a somewhat similar situation before (I doubt it), please give me advice.”
“Any advice but please don’t say break up cause that’s definitely not an option.”
Many Redditors suggested the OP seek professional help.
“I think you might need a therapist to work through this one OP.” – SmellsLikeBu11shit
“I don’t have an answer, but I think you act and think very mature seeing what situation you’re in. I don’t think I’d break up.”
“You haven’t had a close relationship to your father and doesn’t seem as she was in love with him.”
“Their relationship is just a product of a f’ked up system where people needs a sugar daddy for going to school.” – josairo
“If you are going to stay together, therapy asap.”
“Sex work is a dealbreaker for most people, but some people do see past it. Sex work with your parent? That’s above reddit’s pay grade, my dawg.” – SalsaRice
“It sounds like you’re thinking this through in a pretty mature way. Your brain is understandably blown by this news, and I think you’ve actually handled it far better than many would.”
“You both seem pretty good at communication, supporting each other, and treating each other with understanding and tolerance.”
“I’m not sure how much help a therapist would be, but it might be useful just to have a third party to bounce your story off, just talking about it with an independent person who is not part of your life might help, by getting it off your chest, and allowing you to release the feelings you may not want to own, or admit to to your girlfriend because you recognize them as toxic and pointless.”
“At the moment, your new knowledge has taken over your thoughts, but talking to a therapist may be able to release them and allow you to move on. Does that make sense?” – Sfb208
“This is quite heavy stuff. Regardless, though I think your feelings are justified but the Kate that was with your dad is not the same Kate you know.”
“It’s obviously not as simple as that, but I think that’s a good starting point at the very least. You guys seem to have a very good relationship and she honestly didn’t know that her sugar daddy was your father. If she hid it then it would be a lot worse.”
“You cannot change the past, but you can control your future. Therapy to get over this hump could help, but in all honesty what you’re feeling is normal. I’d still recommend it though especially since you guys were building up to marriage.”
“She’s still the person you love and it’s up to you to decide if what she did before knowing you is a deal breaker or not.” – leopardchief
The OP responded to the above comment.
“Yes, I understand that who she was back then isn’t who she is now. I mean, I’m pretty much on the same boat.”
“I used to sleep with different girls all the time and definitely couldn’t see myself being with just only one person. Right now? I can’t see myself being with anyone else.”
“TBH, my past is way waaay darker than hers so who am I to judge what she did?”
Still, the OP was told calling it quits might be the only solution.
“You keep saying the past doesn’t matter, but clearly it does. If it really didn’t matter, this wouldn’t bother you.”
“If you really are determined to make it work, find a good therapist and get to the bottom of why this is bothering you so much.”
“I suspect it has more to do with feelings about your father than it does about your girlfriend since there was no issue when she was a sugar baby to an anonymous stranger.”
“Find a therapist that can help you with your daddy issues or tell this girl goodbye so she can get on with her life with someone who genuinely won’t punish her for her past.” ~ LakotaGrl
“It’s ok if this is a deal breaker for you. It would be for me. No matter how great the relationship is.”
“I would never be able to get the mind movies to stop. Sorry man.” – thelastgr8n8
But the OP replied:
“It’s actually not a deal breaker for me, which is why I’m trying to deal with it.”
“I know most people wouldn’t be able to handle it but I think differently. For me, the past is in the past and doesn’t change how I see people.”
“It’s all about who they are and who they want to be. I mean, I wasn’t a saint in my youth either so who am I to judge?”
Hopefully, the OP can get past whatever is bothering him. Otherwise the future of his relationship is looking grim.