We’ve all known at least one person who just cannot seem to get out of bed on time in the morning, no matter what they do to motivate themselves. Maybe that person is even us!
But expecting someone who has figured out their morning routine to take on more responsibilities, because of already being up, may not be the way to go, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Seeing his girlfriend’s ease in the morning, however, Redditor Fit-Magazine-4653 thought it made perfect sense for her to change up her routine to make both of them breakfast.
But when she wanted to know how he’d be caring for her in return, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t understand what her problem was.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for asking my girlfriend to start making me breakfast every morning?”
The OP and his girlfriend had very different outlooks on mornings.
“I (27 Male) have been living with my girlfriend (29 Female) for several months now.”
“For the most part, things are really good, and I plan to propose soon and hopefully have at least a couple of kids with her.”
“However, we’ve run up against a conflict.”
“She’s an absolute morning person. I hate mornings. By the time I force myself out of bed in the morning and into the shower, she’s already been up for at least 30 minutes, even though she has to be at work later than I do, and is at the stove making breakfast.”
“She likes a huge breakfast in the morning. She usually has eggs, either French toast or pancakes, hashbrowns or breakfast potatoes, and sausage or bacon. Sometimes on weekends, it’s ham or steak.”
“She eats almost nothing for lunch and usually has a smallish dinner but she loves a huge breakfast.”
“Meanwhile, I only ever have cold cereal for breakfast, or MAYBE if I’m feeling really ambitious, some instant oatmeal and orange juice. I only even start to come alive halfway through my second cup of coffee and definitely don’t feel like cooking in the morning.”
The OP was hoping to get in on the breakfast menu.
“However, my girlfriend obviously does. So recently I asked her if she’d start making breakfast for me, too.”
“She asked if we were going to trade off and if I’d sometimes make breakfast for her, too.”
“I told her ‘no’ but reminded her that I do often make dinner for her.”
“She said that since we trade off making dinner we should trade off making breakfast, too.”
“I told her that there is no way I’ll ever be able to muster that kind of energy first thing in the morning, but that since she obviously can, she should just make me breakfast, too. I said that it would take next to no extra effort on her part to throw in a couple more eggs, strips of bacon, an extra portion of hashbrowns, etc., since she’s already doing it for herself, anyway.”
The couple’s division of labor was an obvious concern.
“But it started a fight, with her saying that it wasn’t fair for me to expect her to think of me in the morning since I don’t do the same for her.”
“She seems to think that her making breakfast for me should figure into our division of labor and that I should do something extra in return.”
“But I think that since she makes a huge breakfast for herself every morning anyway, throwing an extra portion of whatever she’s making on for me would take next-to-no effort on her part.”
“So then why should I have to do more for her in return than I already do?”
“AITA for this?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some challenged the OP to start getting out of that bed.
“Maybe this is because I’m a mom, but d**n, this ‘I don’t do mornings’ thing is starting way too early.”
“OP, get your lazy a** out of bed and force yourself to be productive. Your whole post was an excuse, not a reality.”
“I get it. I’m a morning person. Many people I know, and with whom I’ve lived, are not.”
“But life happens. They get up in the morning and suck it up, just like I stay up later than I’d like. It’s called being an adult.” – lcotemi
“He says he wants kids, so that person deciding he must wake up will soon be a screaming baby. There’s no negotiating with that.”
“He needs to figure out how to adapt his sleep schedule to fulfill his parenting and work responsibilities in order to be a good partner, and this whole post is a massive red flag that he will not do so.” – xtaberry
“I was never a morning person, but I learned to get moving and take care of my kids.”
“He better rethink marriage if he thinks this excuse will work. OP is the TA and better grow up soon!” – originalenghismom
“In my household, it’s everyone for themselves for breakfast and lunch. I make dinner every night, every single night, so, everyone can figure out breakfast and lunch for themselves or someone else can take over.”
“And, OP, at your age, if you can’t get up in the morning, it’s time to reassess your sleep schedule (or get a sleep study done).” – lm-hmk
Others confirmed the OP was the AH for not taking on another chore.
“I have a child with a non-morning person, and even though I AM a morning person, I haven’t had a weekend morning in three years where I wasn’t the one making her breakfast or getting her dressed or taking her to the playground before it gets too hot.”
“I’m a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom), so I don’t mind doing the day-to-day chores during the week, especially now that she’s in school, but d**n if I don’t want just one Saturday every couple weeks where I’M the one who gets to lay in bed and watch TV without taking care of someone else.”
“This is literally the only point of contention in my marriage but because it covers such a long period of time, it gets to you in a huge way.”
“OP, YTA because it should be 50/50 in a relationship.”
“If you want breakfast, that means you take FULL responsibility for another chore. That includes the mental labor. So if you take dinner, that means you have to budget, plan it out, buy the groceries, and then cook and clean up.”
“Maybe if you’re lucky, some days she will do the dishes because she loves you. But if all you do is take in a relationship, she is going to get sick of your s**t and leave.” – pilates_mom
“This is the most obvious compromise. The girlfriend makes breakfast, and OP makes dinner.”
“Relationships aren’t tit for tat; it’s each partner playing to their strengths. OP isn’t a morning person, so asking him to make breakfast half the time isn’t realistic. As long as the overall division of labor in the relationship is fair, though, it’s fine.” – loopylandtied
“He kept reiterating no extra effort and that’s so ignorant. Extra things take extra time OP! You’re being entitled.”
“YTA.” – realdappermuis
“You can tell what kind of person the OP is from how he talks, too. He says ‘only’ or ‘even’ a handful of times, to highlight how bad he’s got it and simultaneously downplay what she’s already doing.”
“And he tried to sway public opinion at the start of the post, almost as if he was bragging about being such a good guy that he would even go as far as committing to her and giving her more little walking responsibilities.”
“He also doesn’t seem to see the value in what his girlfriend does. Logically, yes, it’s probably pretty easy to throw an extra portion in the pan.”
“But rather than saying something along the lines of, ‘Hey girlfriend, I appreciate you for all that you do already, for us/me. I was wondering if you’d mind making me breakfast along with yours? I’ll take on grocery shopping on the weekends, or at the very least go with you, so that we can do it together.'”
“Or literally anything else that would indicate he holds one iota of appreciation for the efforts she’s investing, and h**l, values her as a person and his partner who puts up with his whiny bulls**t.” – Lost-Outside-8215
Some were concerned about the future of this relationship as it was portrayed in the post.
“I kind of get where they’re both coming from.”
“It is genuinely true that making a larger amount of the food you’re already making is easier than making two full dishes. And it’s breakfast for god’s sake!”
“But I also think it’s fair to split the work. I 100% agree that the girlfriend’s suggestion of splitting breakfast duty doesn’t really work when she knows he’s not a morning person, and the idea of OP doing dinner every day is adequate.”
“Of course, in the end, it’s true that this is getting to be too much bargaining.”
“Isn’t it weird that even after living together for several months and seeing their dynamics in the mornings, it didn’t even dawn on the girlfriend to suggest making breakfast for both? Not that she had to, but because she cares?”
“And of course, he should reciprocate by offering to help with something else as well.”
“It’s like they aren’t really in a relationship or just roommates.” – _Yota_
“Something about their relationship seems odd to me. I’ve been with my partner for over a decade now but when we first moved in together, we had fun ‘playing house’ by cooking for each other, doing each other’s laundry, and picking up the place together… it was all fun for us.”
“I know every relationship is different, but this one kind of sounds like ESH.”
“Like, if the person I love and live with is hungry and I’m already cooking, then there’s no question that I would make some for them too, any meal, any day. Plus, sharing a meal is a great opportunity for quality time.”
“I would definitely expect my partner to continue contributing to the household in other ways, (maybe I put this little breakfast favor in my pocket and pull it out when it’s time to take out the garbage or shovel the sidewalk), but the transactional tone of this conversation just feels so awkward to me.”
“Anyway, good luck OP on your breakfast negotiations. And relationship.” – radradruby
“He just asked her to throw a couple of extra things in the pan, which was something she was already doing.”
“Relationships are hard and they will need to come together to get through the more difficult parts of life rather than sitting there being petty over a couple of eggs. Sounds like the maturity isn’t there.”
“If he was asking her to do everything in the house while working because maybe she works fewer hours, that’s different. He would be wild for that request.”
“But he just asked for breakfast at his weakest point in the day. And relationships are about supporting each other and helping each other grow. It wouldn’t have killed her.” – Sassymcsasster
“This is a doomed relationship, and he is an a**hole for expecting to be cooked for and not even considering doing the breakfast cooking sometimes to cater to her and show her love and support. He expects things without giving in return, he is a selfish partner.”
“I love doing things for the people I love, but resentment builds when it goes from being an appreciated, kind gesture, to something you expect and feel entitled to your partner’s time to do.”
“Making the bed and doing ‘most’ of the yardwork would not even come close to equalling the time she spends grocery shopping, which he admitted she does ALL of.”
“So if all other chores (laundry, cleaning) are closely or evenly split, he is already getting someone doing all his grocery shopping for him like a personal shopper, a girlfriend who cooks dinner more often than he does despite eating much less for dinner than he does, and now wants breakfast as a freebie too.” – anniewrites1234
“You’re talking about proposing and kids.”
“Will she NEVER get a morning off from kids because you hate mornings? She’s already up so she should be the one to pack bags and lunches and cook everyone breakfast? She’s breastfeeding so you never need to cover the night wake-ups?”
“She’s home earlier ‘often’ and that’s the person who starts dinner and picks up the kids and deals with the homework, but you’re totally doing 50/50. She’s washing her clothes anyway so it’s no extra effort to put yours in, and then fold them and put them away because she’s doing that for the rest of the load, right?”
“It sounds like she already feels like she’s doing more and now you’re asking for something else.”
“If it would require effort and energy for you to do it, it requires effort and energy for her to do it. This may be a small amount of additional energy for this one thing, but it makes me wonder if she’s already feeling that she’s putting out significantly more effort for household duties as it stands.” – TimeandEntropy
It was clear the OP’s understanding of the relationship was much different from the subReddit’s.
While the OP was screaming wedding bells, the subReddit was picking up on the resentment that was already brewing in the relationship, likely because the girlfriend was carrying more of the weight in the household, and she knew it.