Trying to help a down-on-their-luck loved one is admirable.
However, it isn’t always easy.
Some people need more help than any one person can give.
And some people only use that help to find ways to take advantage.
This sort of behavior leads to disappointment for many.
Redditor Interesting_Star4842 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for kicking my ‘mentally ill’ brother out of my house when he was treating my wife like garbage?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I am 34 M[ale], I am married and own a home with my wife (26 F[emale]) in Los Angeles.”
“My younger brother is 32 M, and he has never lived on his own.”
“He lived with my dad until around 24, he then moved into his girlfriend’s parents’ house until he was like 28 maybe.”
“They broke up, so my dad gifted him a condo that was above his business.”
“He got a ton of free passes with my dad, he trashed the condo, didn’t take care of anything, and my dad finally decided to retire and sell it because he couldn’t take it anymore.”
“My brother is also on his 3rd car, all bought by our grandfather.”
“About 3-4 months ago was when he got kicked out.”
“He came to our door begging, and I knew exactly how it was going to go.”
“I told him he had one month to get his sh*t together, and he kept caving.”
“My wife is an actress, and she only books about once every 6 months.”
“She does auditions/classes daily for an hour or two; she mostly does ‘housewife stuff.'”
“I told him right off the bat she was not doing any of it for him.”
“I don’t care if he’s working 5 jobs; he is doing his own laundry, cleaning, and cooking.”
“Of course, he left messes, threw his laundry on the floor, made the argument that he is working full time and she’s not.”
“I was like, this is HER home?”
“Then, when I told him he’d have to pay bills 2 months in, he got mad and said she does not pay bills… she is my wife and she takes care of our home.”
“Anytime I told him to stop making extra work for her, he would say, ‘she’s a housewife, she’s doing it for you, so I don’t understand why she can’t do it for me.'”
“He even asked why I get to have my laundry done, and meals cooked for me, but he can’t and ‘works just as much as me.'”
“It drove me crazy.”
“He also would make noises while my wife was in auditions, which was frustrating for her.”
“Not even accidental, like screaming while watching a sports game, 5 seconds after we told him she was going on Zoom. “
“This was one of my breaking points.”
“She has dedicated her whole life to this, since she was like 9.”
“When I started making good money, the first thing I was excited about was that she could focus on her dreams.”
“She finally got a good agent, the auditions she gets are huge, and she is on cloud 9.”
“As soon as he started doing this, I noticed she was getting stressed.”
“One of the main issues is that he works nights.”
“He was there all day while I was at work, and if she asked him to be quiet, he did not care.”
“He said he didn’t consider it a career, and he didn’t think she’d make it, so he didn’t feel the need to care. “
“As if her making it or not changed anything about it being her home and her dreams.”
“If I were home and told him to shut up, he would.”
“However, during the day, he did not listen to her and made her cry.”
“That was the day I told him to get out; he’s had enough free passes.”
“It’s time to grow up.”
“My other brothers got mad, said I’m heartless because he’s struggling mentally… but the guy has been struggling mentally since he was 16 and has never attempted therapy, meds, or anything.”
“He just cries and relies on everyone to do everything.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA to your wife, he sounds like you knew exactly what was going to happen, you told your brother at the start he had a month, you laid down the rules and let him break them all.”
“You let him stay longer, and it took him making her cry for you to finally kick him out finally.” ~ lord_buff74
“You knew exactly how it was going to go, and it did go exactly how you thought.”
“You owe it to your wife to get him gone now.”
“Your other brothers are only mad because he’ll come to them next.” ~ Blue-Being22
“I get that people will give family way more chances than they should, but I also think that OP’s brother burned through way more chances than any sane person would give them.”
“It should have been one chance, and the second he stepped out of line, he was gone.”
“It never should have gone so far that the wife was constantly stressed just trying to live her life.”
“Too many f**king people use their mental health as an excuse to act like a-holes when there are plenty of people with the same diagnoses who aren’t taking advantage of everything and everyone around them.” ~ Neveronlyadream
“Exactly. There’s a reason why other family members, including siblings mentioned, aren’t lining up trying to get him to live at their place.”
“The brothers who claim OP is heartless, I’d ask when the last time they offered their home as an option.”
“He needs to keep this entitled little sh*t away from his house, apologize to his wife for allowing him to disrespect her in her home, and drop him off at his brother’s house, who seems to have such a strong opinion on this.” ~ Full_Subject5668
“Absolutely this.”
“How dare OP let his entitled, crappy brother treat her so badly for so long?”
“It’s unbelievable he thought he had the same household rights as her husband.”
“If his other brothers are so concerned, then they can take him in.”
“YTA for letting him treat her so badly and not kicking him out sooner.” ~ lovinglifeatmyage
“Mostly YTA because you let him move in.”
“Then, when it got worse, you waited months before kicking him out.”
“She got an agent!”
“Good God, what an accomplishment!”
“He actively sabotaged your wife’s auditions.”
“Your wife suffered due to your procrastination with mishandling your brother.” ~ lemon_icing
“YTA for forcing him on your wife in HER home.”
“NTA for FINALLY getting him out.” ~ Odd-End-1405
“You won’t be the AH if you get that menace OUT of your wife’s home and safe space this f***ing instant.”
“I’ve seen too many instances of what I call ESGS (Envious Single Guy Syndrome) in which a brother, cousin, single father, in-law, or family friend focuses all his anger and frustration on the happy and charming wife, girlfriend, or even daughter of a closely related other man.”
“The Envious Single Guy takes all of his personal frustration out on the other man’s beloved female companion.”
“He antagonizes her and tries to degrade her in every way possible.”
“He tries to tear her down, undermine her credibility, and emotionally isolate her at every turn.”
“Stop deluding yourself, because he means to do her harm.”
“And in harming her, he’s also harming you by making you look weak in that he fooled you so you didn’t protect her.”
“I’d go as far as to say you should put her up in an Airbnb until you get that guy out and the locks changed, because the instant that you set a timer on when he loses access to her, he’ll speed up his timeline as to when he can attack her.”
“Protect the woman you love.”
“Don’t trust this guy for even one second.” ~ MizWhatsit
“YTA for enabling his behavior for so long.”
“You consistently chose him over your wife!”
“You owe her an apology.”
“As for anyone saying kicking him out is wrong, they can house him and put up with his crap.” ~ bmw5986
“Honestly, YTA for having him move in at all and still being more concerned about how you look to other people than how you’ve harmed your wife these past few months.” ~ amjay8
“Not the a**hole for kicking out your brother, however, letting him treat your wife the way she did for long periods of time was the asshole move.”
“Saying ‘housewife stuff’ to refer to your wife out of the kindness of her heart, taking care of your home, is absolute bullsh*t.”
“I hate that you refer to it as that, and the fact that your brother has no respect for women at all.”
“You’re both kind of a**holes, and something about this marriage feels off, and I am uncomfortable for the wife.” ~ nailsbyoggeorge
“YTA for torturing your wife for so long, and she deserves a sincere apology.” ~ Inevitable_Entry6518
“YTA. You know what your brother is and how he is, and you let him in with no regards towards your wife.”
“You gave him a time frame and then trashed it.”
“You were being your dad.”
“Mentally ill is in quotes, is he, or just some spoiled kid who always got his way?” ~ Charming-Industry-86
“Sorry, but YTA because you let him move in, fully knowing he was a semi-adult, and he doesn’t behave as he should.”
“I hope he’s gone now and your wife is okay.”
“Your family needs to stop enabling him; that’s why he hasn’t had to deal with life.”
“Stop bailing him out.” ~ CuriousMindedAA
This is a serious situation, OP.
Understandably, you would want to help your brother.
But you can’t do it at your or your wife’s expense.
You probably should’ve said no the second he showed up.
Stay strong.
Let your brothers worry about it now.