When we’re standing up on our wedding day or watching loved ones stand up for theirs, the last thing any of us should be thinking is that this relationship will end someday.
But sometimes that winds up being exactly one of the members of the happy couple is thinking, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor LowRequirement5182 had been struggling with his wife for a while because of their seemingly insurmountable financial problems.
But when he made a snide remark about divorcing his wife, right in front of her parents, the Original Poster (OP) realized what he might have wanted all along.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife I won’t be as stressed out next year because I won’t be married to her?”
The OP’s marriage had been declining since they bought a house.
“I’ve (32 Male) been married to my wife Jen (32 Female) for a little over seven years now. Up until about two years ago, things were great.”
“However, a disastrous move, a few family emergencies, and a totaled car have left us in a terrible financial situation. All our savings are pretty much gone, 401ks empty, and we’re hemorrhaging money.”
“Before we bought our house two years ago, things were amazing financially. We made the mistake of buying a nice three-bedroom house because we planned on having kids.”
“Those plans, thankfully, got put on the back burner because adding a kid into this mess right now would kill us. It’s not really a mystery why things are like this. Jen and I are both underpaid at our jobs, and we moved into a high-cost-of-living area like mor*ns.”
The OP demanded that he and his wife improve their financial situation.
“Last December, I told Jen one of two things needed to happen: We either sell the house or start making more money. The latter would most definitely mean finding new jobs that would pay us a market rate.”
“Jen pushed back on this because she loved the house and her current job.”
“I told her she had to choose one and couldn’t have it both ways and after a week of arguing, she agreed we would look for new jobs.”
“It’s been almost six months now. Last Friday, I signed an offer for a new job. It’s over a 35k raise for me.”
“Jen, however, has done nothing. In January, she asked for a raise in the market rate and was very disrespectfully told by her manager that she was not worth that. She was shown the door to leave if she wasn’t happy.”
“Jen has taken this as her putting in the effort and done nothing else. Telling me we should wait and see what happens with my job search. I’m not happy about this.”
The OP getting a new job did not solve the couple’s problems.
“When I came home Friday and told her I got the job, she got p**sy because I clarified that this did not mean she could stay at her job.”
“We fought again, and I told her that this would mean we only stop hemorrhaging money on the house. We will be able to save only a little and would still not be close to refilling our 401k’s. Kids, the whole reason we got this d**n house, would be entirely off the table.”
“We haven’t talked much since then.”
Then the OP said something he couldn’t take back.
“Yesterday, her parents visited for dinner. Despite my best efforts to keep them out of it, Jen announced my new job to her parents by saying maybe I’ll stop ‘complaining about money’ once I start.”
“I don’t know why I said it, but I replied with, ‘Oh, don’t worry, Jen. I won’t have to worry about money a year from now because we’ll be divorced by then.'”
“Things got quiet real quick after, and I excused myself. Her parents left shortly after, and she slept on the couch to avoid talking to me.”
“I’ve not talked to Jen or her parents since last night. Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was undoubtedly the AH for making that comment.
“OP, you’re done. Believe me. Might not be straight away, but it’s over. Under no circumstances should a married person say they want a divorce unless they actually want one.”
“My ex-husband told me he wanted one, so I filed. He’s blamed me ever since, ‘You weren’t supposed to actually file.’ Threaten divorce and you’re sure as s**t getting one.” – ButterscotchMafia
“The marriage is over, dude. Just go ahead and file the divorce papers and put the house on the market.”
“I genuinely wonder how you are genuinely wondering if saying that you’re getting divorced in front of her parents during dinner will lead to problems in a relationship.”
“You took it out back and shot it yourself.” – Serious_Internet6478
“What the f**k is it with people who initiate a game of chicken, then complain when they get f**ked? My ex did exactly the same thing and held divorce over my head for six months. He had the audacity to f**king give me a shocked Pikachu face when I packed my bags and moved out.”
“It’s a form of control. They get you dependent on them and then constantly threaten divorce to keep you in line. When you finally stop caring and go, ‘Okay…cool,’ THEN they panic. Because they realize they can no longer control you.”
“It could also be considered borderline emotional/mental abuse especially if they say s**t to make you scared to leave, like ‘Oh, what would you do without me? You’d have nowhere to go,’ or do things so you physically cannot leave [don’t let you have your own finances, control what you do, etc.”
“The longer it works, the more cocky about it they get. Because if they threaten divorce for 10 years and you beg and plead or are in the habit of breaking up/making up, they feel confident that you won’t really leave.”
“But in year 11, when you finally leave, it is shocking to them. Because you’re showing a more confident side of you, a side that they purposely tried to destroy.”
“Whether or not he wants to admit it, I think the OP has probably made indirect comments during their arguments for a while, and now that he’s really said it, in front of her parents of all people, his wife is ready to go.”
“Big YTA, OP.” – Critical_Buy6621
“ESH.”
“She started the battle by announcing at dinner to her parents your new job by saying ‘maybe now you will stop complaining about money.’ She knew what she was doing.”
“Then you dropped a nuke and won the battle but also scorched the earth.”
“But you probably will be divorced anyway because you guys are financially unfit and incompatible. She is never leaving that job.” – throwawtphone
“This was a self-fulfilling prophecy. It may not have been true before he said it, but it’s true now.” – Feeling_Wheel_1612
Others agreed and mocked the OP for being so oblivious.
“What the f**k? Let me get this right… You announced divorce but worried you ruined your marriage?” – Helpful_Dish8122
“I can’t believe the OP’s being like, ‘Guys, I think this divorce could damage my marriage.’ No s**t, bro.” – tyleritis
“The OP said, ‘Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.'”
“I aspire to be this level of delusional.” – CapableAd5293
“The OP said, ‘I won’t have to worry about money a year from now because we’ll be divorced by then.'”
“You’re going to get what you asked for. Hopefully, it’s what you wanted.” – SparrowValentinus
“Dude, you announced in front of her parents that you intend to divorce her. In what universe is your marriage NOT irreparably damaged?!” – celticmusebooks
“The OP wrote, ‘Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.'”
“LMFAO (laughing my a** off), you genuinely wonder if telling your wife that you would be divorced within the year ruined your marriage?! Who the h**k was shortsighted enough to hire you?” – judgingA-holes
“I’m sorry, did you say, ‘I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage’?”
“You told your wife you will be divorcing her within the year in front of her patents. If you can come back from that, it is going to be a LONG and HARD road.”
“You have a right to be angry about everything going on… even a right to divorce her, but if you wanted to repair the marriage at all, that wasn’t the way to do it.” – DeryniMagic38
Some also confirmed that the OP was the AH, but his wife was, too.
“Did you ruin your marriage? Nope. That was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. The camel sounded pretty ruined already, though.”
“Marriage counseling or divorce. Frankly, at this point, it’s either two enthusiastic yes answers to counseling or you can just go ahead and file.”
“NTA. Because you just matched her energy. That said you are an idiot all the same.” – Odd_Welcome7940
“ESH.”
“Dropping a bomb like that, especially if it’s the first time you’ve mentioned divorce, was an a**hole thing to do.”
“That said, your wife is a much bigger a**hole in multiple ways: She at first refused to even try to consider doing something to help the financial situation, then she half-a**ed the bare minimum effort, then she is the one who brought the subject up in front of her parents with a bullshit comment.”
“Your marriage was ruined long before you said that, and ruining it was a joint effort but most of the damage was done by your wife.” – ProfPlumDidIt
“ESH but much more her than you. She was basically happy to bankrupt you, and based on this description, if you had allowed it to happen, she’d have been pregnant without your agreement in no time.”
“She doesn’t care about your well-being, only her own fantasy of having the nice house, the kids, and the white picket fence, and is unwilling to work for it, only to put all of the load on you.”
“It sucks that it came up this way, but it’s better you figured this out now before ‘child support’ payments were incurred for the next 20 years.” – Reddoraptor
“If they were HIS family emergencies and HIS totaled car, then giving up a job and/or house she likes to bail them out for the money he hemorrhaged might breed understandable resentment on her end.”
“He didn’t elaborate on the causes of those situations, just that those things caused them to lose financial security.”
“My husband did something stupid that resulted in a financial loss that I warned him might happen, and then I was the one working two jobs to dig us out. Now we had other issues that caused resentment of him, but that definitely compounded it.”
“If he made the decision to help HIS family and ate up their savings, and if he totaled his car, it would be reasonable that his wife would feel reasonable about having to change her work situation just to bail them out for his mistakes.”
“Either way, it sounds like this marriage is done.” – Tired_Mama3018
“Given OP’s complete confusion about how announcing a divorce may have ended his marriage, I’m having a hard time taking his word that ‘increasing income’ or ‘selling the house’ were actually the only two options.”
“Interest rates were around five percent when OP bought the house and are around seven-point-five percent right now. If they downgrade to a smaller home now, the difference in interest rate will drastically cut into the savings. If they decide to rent and their house appreciated in value while they owned it, they could take a significant tax hit by selling.”
“Trying to rent out the home while having nothing in savings is a massive risk. They almost certainly haven’t built any real equity in the first two years of ownership and probably paid out the a** in closing costs, title fees, realtor fees, etc.”
“Selling that house right now would very likely be a financial disaster. I think the odds are pretty d**n good that ‘we need to sell the house if you don’t get a different job’ was much more of a threat than an actual solution to the problem.”
“I’d also wager that the financial problems are equally (or mostly, or wholly) based on the multiple family emergencies and totaling the car. That s**t could absolutely clear out savings (and rack up credit card debt) to put you in a h**l of a hole. Taking a loss on a home sale won’t fix that.”
“I think we are absolutely missing the real financial details, especially since we didn’t get any information about the wife’s opinion/argument beyond what OP told her.” – Downvote_Comforter
After receiving feedback, the OP admitted he had spoken his deepest wish.
“Yeah, I messed up. People are rightfully tearing into me for wondering if this marriage didn’t end when those words came from my mouth.”
“I went to Jen last night to talk, and she refused to even say a word to me. She ended up locking herself in our bedroom and finally told me to go away.”
“I’m scheduling some consultations with divorce attorneys today.”
“Some people are also asking about car accidents and family emergencies, mostly blaming me for them. The car was neither of our faults. An uninsured driver hit my wife’s fully paid-off car. Insurance gave us peanuts.”
“The family emergencies were a handful of things that were just unluckily close to each other. I don’t think you can really assign blame to these kinds of things.”
“People will probably say I’m covering my a** or something and still blame me. Whatever. The big f**kup was the house, which I was fifty percent responsible for.”
“Before I wrote this post, I probably should have admitted to myself that I spoke my feelings at dinner and got my wish.”
While the subReddit was sure there were already problems in this marriage, with financial trouble and poor communication being the primary culprits, they were also sure the OP had driven the nail into the coffin that ended the marriage.
More than likely in the heat of the moment, the OP has probably said things during arguments with his wife that clued her into his true feelings, so when he confronted and embarrassed her in front of her parents, that was all she needed to hear to move on.