Though getting married, buying a big house, and having two kids and a dog isn’t everyone’s dream, there are still people who dream of that white picket fence life.
If one person really wants the marriage, they’ll likely only be compatible with someone who also wants to get married, no matter how much they might otherwise love each other, argued the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor chibitank knew that he wanted to get married, preferably by the time he turned 40, and because he had such an amazing relationship with his long-time girlfriend, he thought she was the one.
But when she rejected two marriage proposals from him and said he had commitment issues, the Original Poster (OP) realized that they might not be able to share a future together.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for rending my relationship after my girlfriend said no to marriage?”
The OP was happy with his girlfriend and wanted to marry her.
“I (41 Male) have been dating my ex-girlfriend (39 Female) for nearly six years. Our relationship was a good one.”
“Four years into our relationship, I informed her family and friends I would propose to her while we were on a family vacation and received their blessing and well wishes.”
“The night I proposed, I tried to make the night as memorable and ‘perfect’ as possible.”
The OP was shocked by his girlfriend’s response.
“I asked her after a nice dinner, surrounded by the family, and she said, ‘No, not yet anyway.'”
“I was quite hurt, honestly, and went back to our room to think things out and not overreact.”
“A few hours later, she came to the room and asked me what was wrong and why I left the group. We had a fairly long conversation as to my feelings and her reason for denying my proposal.”
“It turns out she didn’t think I was ready for the commitment just yet.”
“I took her thoughts to heart and informed her I understood her reasoning; however, I was raised in a way where ‘you take a no for a no, not a ‘maybe next time.'”
“She asked me to just wait a bit longer until we were in a stable place, and I agreed.”
The OP then waited for what felt like the right time.
“Eight to ten months later, she started dropping hints that she was ready to be married.”
“She would say things like, ‘I can’t wait for our wedding…’ and ‘Our wedding is going to be spectacular…’ and ‘I am so looking forward to my dad walking me down the aisle,’ etc.”
“A little over a year after my first proposal, I decided to propose again, this time just us together after a wonderful date night.”
“When I opened the ring box, she got really quiet and once again said, ‘No, not yet… maybe a little more down the line.'”
That was when the OP realized the relationship was over.
“After this second refusal, I fell out of love with her.”
“It sounds cold, but it was the truth. When we got back home, I slept in our guest bedroom and spent the rest of the night thinking of our relationship.”
“The next morning, she asked why I didn’t sleep with her in our bedroom, and I told her the truth and informed her that I think we need to end the relationship.”
“I informed her that I take marriage very seriously, and I do not want to be led on and this time, this no… was the final no on the subject.”
“I gave her a month to find a new place to live, and since then, I have been receiving texts and emails from her friends and family, informing me I am a heartless b**tard. They keep trying to get me to give her more time, and not be a callous a**hole.”
“My friends, on the other hand, have my back on this and understand why I ended the relationship.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood why the OP was upset and why he’d want to move on after two rejections.
“NTA. You’ve been with her for six years. She’s turned down your proposal twice. You were right to end the relationship.”
“She’s not looking for marriage, just a sponsor. You want a wife. You removed yourself from a situation that did not benefit you. Congratulations to your future happiness. Be blessed!” – ShortThunder5145
“What I can’t wrap my head around is that she hinted at marriage in between proposals. Rejecting it the first time… okay, sure, maybe you need more time.”
“But she knew where OP’s head was at, he made that perfectly clear, so hinting at marriage is a signal to him to propose again. Why hint at marriage with someone who you know wants to marry you when you don’t want the same?” – thrwy_111822
“NTA. She got a second chance to say ‘yes,’ which is more than I would have bothered with.”
“You did the exact right thing. Tell her friends and family to f**k off.” – BlueGreen_1956
“NTA. She was stringing you along and being clearly disrespectful.”
“I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and seeing her for what she is actually doing.” – omrmajeed
“No. She said YOU needed more time? Please.”
“She’s the one with cold feet. Six years is enough time to know. You’re not it, and she’s been wasting your time.”
“You should have broken up after the first proposal.”
“She’s just unhappy with the consequences of being broken up with.” – NYCStoryteller
“It’s the old saying, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.'”
“You gave her a second chance, which I can wholeheartedly understand… and to be honest, I think you probably did the right thing.”
“The second time, along with all the hints, yeah… that’s like a power play. F**k those games all the way to FAFO (F**k Around and Find Out) City.” – clusticjim
“My ex and I were engaged for a couple of years, and when I decided to broach the subject of us actually getting married (we’d just bought a house, and I was heavily pregnant and wanted to have the same surname as my baby and partner), he told me no, he said he wasn’t ready.”
“I only wanted to go to the courthouse and make it official. Nothing fancy, but that could come later if we wanted. It was just really important to me, but he didn’t want it. It broke my heart there and then, and I threw out the engagement ring, seeing as it meant nothing to him.”
“I stayed for our son, and we went on to have a daughter too. We spoke about marriage plenty of times after that and he assured me he did want to, and that he would propose again, that it was coming. I waited and half expected a proposal at every special event or occasion only to be left disappointed and a little more heartbroken each time.”
“It took me far too long to realize it was never going to happen. And then, after the pandemic, and I wasn’t trapped in the house anymore, I realized I no longer wanted it anyway and left him. By this point, I was so out of love that it was the easiest thing ever.”
“I’m glad you figured it out much sooner than I did, OP. NTA.” – baeworth
But others thought that the OP leaving proved his ex-girlfriend’s point about commitment.
“I understand where a lot of the NTA responses are coming from, but I’m (alone?) in the YTA camp…”
“One moment, you’re asking her to commit the rest of her life to being with you, and the next, you’re dumping her.”
“If this was about cheating or wanting kids, I could understand, but this was surely something a committed couple should be able to work out together, but no, you bailed. I think she sensed that you’re not ready for this and did the right thing.” – ColdFix
“NTA for the title, but that’s not what they’re calling you an ahole for now, is it?”
“YTA for giving her a month to pack up and leave. Most relationships end on a sour note, but to not be an a**hole, you need to end it without vindictive and unfair treatment of your ex.”
“It’s her home too, and she has rights that in any other circumstances would require longer notice for eviction, so you’re an a**hole for leaving her scrambling for housing as punishment.” – ToxicEnabler
“YTA. How can you be in a relationship and not know if your partner is ready for marriage or not? Don’t you know how to communicate with her?”
“All it would take is a discussion, but no, you prefer to just do it when you think it’s right.”
“YTA for throwing a tantrum for your mistake.” – Outside-Routine8192
“I don’t think YTA, but I feel like communication is an issue in the relationship. You said a lot about speaking to everyone else about the proposal but nothing about sense checking with her.”
“Also, when she turned you down the second time, you went and slept in a spare room and only the following day you discussed why?”
“It looks like you’re both bad at explaining how you feel. Spending the night in a separate room and neither of you discussing the issue is quite childish, and I wonder how long you spent waiting for her to come and find you that night, hoping she’d come and ask. The fact that she didn’t makes me wonder how many other times you might have done that.”
“Possibly you both need to grow up a bit emotionally and learn how to communicate what you want and how you feel.” – Fun-Top-1799
“YTA.”
“You only ask if you know the answer is a yes. This means that you have talked about it before in detail. You know her stand on marriage in general, you have discussed what kind of wedding you would like, how many children you want to have, and how you want to handle the relationship in the future.”
“Why did you skip the conversation? Especially after you f**ked up the first time. Making a proposal in public is a very bad move as it puts pressure on the other person and they get put on the spot. She handled it great.”
“This time you should have directly asked her how she is feeling about getting married. What is her timeline? What does she think is missing from the relationship right now to get married?”
“After you have a clear idea if she really wants to marry in the near future you can surprise her with a proposal. The way you propose is the surprise. Not the proposal itself.”
“Stop cuddling your hurt feelings and talk to her! If you are on a completely different path you can still separate, but at least try some clear communication for once.” – MillipedePaws
“YTA for informing her family and friends without verifying she’d want that that first go! And you went further doing it with them there? Massive red flag.”
“But as to calling it, NTA. There is a point if two people can’t agree on timeline, it’s done.”
“But I think you should have approached this as a conversation, not a proposal. When she dropped what you considered to be hints, you should have actually talked. I think you missed the big blinking sign she wanted a conversation, not a proposal.”
“Probably still be a parted ways, but just something to consider for next time.” – Interesting-Sky6313
“YTA. You should have communicated better and felt the pulse of the relationship before proposing, especially after the first ‘not yet.’ Instead of asking if or when she’d be ready for marriage, you went ahead and proposed again, setting yourself up for disappointment.”
“It wasn’t fair to expect her to be on your timeline without clear communication.”
“Ending a long relationship over this without working through her hesitations makes you seem impatient and unwilling to compromise. Maybe that’s why she thought you weren’t ready.” – anthunter7
The subReddit fully understood why one rejection of a marriage proposal would hurt and why two would be devastating, but they were more split over what had led the OP to that point.
Because his girlfriend had been hinting at marriage in between proposals, some thought that she was leading him on and likely would never want to get married, which made them incompatible if it was something the OP really wanted.
But others thought that the marriage hints should have been used as an opportunity to have an important discussion, instead of jumping into planning a second proposal. Perhaps if more conversations had been had, no one would have been hurt for a second time.
Or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.