The divorce rate in the United States is between 40 to 50 percent. And one of the major causes is disagreements about finances.
A man found himself already at odds with his partner before the wedding after she bought a car without his permission after saying for months that her 15 year old car was on its last legs.
Redditor ThrowRA_40000car wrote:
“Fiancée bought a $40,000 car on a whim, and says I don’t get to complain because we’re not sharing finances yet.”
“My fiancée and I (29 M[ale], 28 F[emale]) have had a pretty great relationship. We are both new at this and didn’t date much before meeting each other, and have been going out for about 2 years.”
“I proposed to her about three months ago. Everything has been near perfect. We do argue and fight sometimes but it’s always about relatively minor things and we resolve our differences quickly.”
“Also a relevant point is that we are both pretty simple people. We don’t see the point in wasting money or spending much. In fact she is more frugal than me – oftentimes I’m the one willing to shell out a few more dollars for nicer things whereas she goes for the cheap option.”
“In addition she has always been an independent woman which is one thing I love about her. But I did not realize that would translate into what happened yesterday.”
The Original Poster (OP) detailed how things all went wrong.
“For the last few months she had been making occasional comments about her car getting old. Fair enough, it’s 15 years old and not in its prime anymore.”
“And that was the end of the discussion. I wasn’t aware of any plans to buy a new one yet.”
“Since we are getting married in about 6 months I figured that when she felt like buying another car, we’d look at it together and see what we liked.”
“And then yesterday I pulled up to her driveway for date night. And saw a brand new looking Lexus.”
“I’m not a car guy but I know it was a Lexus and it looked fresh off the assembly line. You can imagine that my first thought was ‘what the f’k?'”
“We don’t have any friends who own Lexuses (Lexi? Whatever.) I was wondering what was a random rich guy doing at my girlfriend’s house.”
“Obviously you tend to assume the worst, human nature.”
“So I knock and she opened the door and let me in. Nobody else in the house but her.”
“I asked about the car outside and… she had woken up that morning and decided ‘I really want a new car’ and then went to the dealership and traded in her existing one for a new one. She didn’t shop around, didn’t look for any deals, didn’t negotiate.”
“She went to the dealer and paid sticker price for the first nice sedan she saw. It turned out to be $40,000.”
“I am a calm person, so I just asked some questions about all this and then we continued with our dinner and movie night. But the whole time it was eating away at me that she’d put this much debt on herself without even letting me know about it?”
The OP explained the biggest issue was how incompetent his fiancée is making her choice to buy a car without his far superior abilities infuriating.
“Or allowing me to help her look for cars and find good deals, or f’k, even negotiate with the car salesmen?”
“So finally at the end of the date I said all this, and it quickly turned into a heated argument. Finally she yelled that she’s not my property and that we’re not married yet so I don’t get any say in what she does with her own money.”
“At that point I stormed out, and we haven’t spoken since.”
“I get that sometimes it’s nice to impulse buy a little and splurge. But a few things are really chewing at me inside.”
“First, we’re getting married in 6 months and we have already agreed to share finances like a traditional married couple. So her $40,000 debt is about to become my debt.”
“Secondly, in a serious relationship shouldn’t you at least talk to the other person before making huge purchases like this that will hang over your neck for the next 10 years? I’m new at relationships so maybe people really do this completely on their own, but that would shock me if that’s true.”
“Third, as mentioned above my fiancée is usually the frugal one and forces me to downgrade purchases that we make – so it seems very hypocritical that she did what she did yesterday.”
Finally, OP’s last objection involved his mother’s warnings about greedy, irresponsible women.
“The last thing is something my mother told me many years ago before she died. I make good money ($250,000) and my mom specifically warned me to look out for women who impulse buy big-ticket items because I don’t want to get taken advantage of.”
“My salary is much higher than my fiancée’s (250 vs 60 a year) so that has been niggling at my mind too.”
“How should I approach her about this? Could this be a pattern and she’s going to drop money like this whenever she feels like it, through our marriage?”
“Is this a red flag? Or am I in the wrong?”
Redditors didn’t have a lot of hope for the relationship.
“Being engaged is the trial run before the marriage, when it is still easy to back out. How is your trial run going?” ~ lightwell
“Finances are the #1 cause of divorce. You really need to get this figured out before going any farther in the relationship.” ~ UmmmSweaty
“We don’t know that she financed it. Maybe she had a pile of dough in savings, or an inheritance, or a trust fund, or who knows?” ~ Ruthless_Bunny
More than a few Redditors thought the OP’s story was less than credible.
“This reads like a creative writing expose.”
“The cost of the car, her salary, your attitude that you think she needed you when it came to buying and negotiating for HER car, the sh*t slinging humble brag about your salary but most of all your Water Boy-like ‘Mama always said watch out for girls who like nice things…’.”
“Come on, dude. Oh and suddenly she went from frugal to buying a 40k car cause you conveniently make more money? Yeah.” ~ Kecir
“Yep, story not adding up, especially how he dismisses her as a total idiot without much proof. She’s been talking about getting a new car for a while.”
“Why is he portraying it as totally impulsive?” ~ ughwhyusernames
“Seriously, if my ride is a 15 year old beater I would have been saving up money for a decent upgrade.”
“Plus sharing expenses will probably reduce her other payments for food/power/water. It’s not a smart move but depending on the rate she got it isn’t horrendous.”
“Dipsh*t didn’t seem to care during the last conversation about it. He should have had enough sense to know this car is one commute away from being broken to the tune of thousands of dollars.”
“Leaving his fiancée stranded and now NEEDING a car immediately. Considering it wasn’t on his radar, I wouldn’t think he is the guy to talk to for knowledge on car purchases….”
“He automatically assumes infidelity when he sees the car? The car is the least of his worries.” ~ StrontiumJaguar
OP sounded more than a little arrogant and sexist, too.
“OP, I want to ask you a serious question.”
“If you decided to purchase an automobile, would you expect your fiancee’ to look for your car, to find good deals for you, or to negotiate with the car salesman on your behalf?” ~ RickRussellTX
“Maybe you could ask her to share this sort of information moving forward after you’re married. If you can’t get over the fact that she didn’t tell you beforehand, just break up.”
“Sounds like neither of you is willing to budge. If you want to marry, don’t share finances traditionally.”
“Have your own accounts and pool money into a shared account so you can both spend money on your own if you want without touching safe money. [To be honest] a 40,000 car is not a lot of money for a combined income of 310,000 a year.
“Sounds like you don’t actually view it as combined income, do you?”
“You view it as MY MONEY vs gold digger woman.”
“If this is how you view relationships you should not be getting married.” ~ blackandwhitepaint
“Massive red flags here.”
“She needs to dump your misogynist a$$.”
“Your story is probably not honest, but your ‘she needed me to decide what she gets for a car because she’s a helpless moron and I’m super rich and successful’ is a pretty clear indication of the kind of husband you’d be.”
“She needs to run, not walk away from you.”
“And if she’s been super frugal as you claim, maybe it’s because she’s been saving money. You have no clue how much money she put down on the car and how much was financed.” ~ LakotaGrl
The OP didn’t provide an update, so it’s unclear if this couple will still be walking down the aisle.