Dating is meant to be fun, but when it comes to finding that perfect match, it can become a far more stressful affair.
It’s especially troubling when one person hopes that the other will change with time, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted his account, had been dating a self-described “mean girl” for the past two months.
But when he discovered just how mean she could be, the Original Poster (OP) began to wonder where their relationship was going.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for ‘silencing’ my girlfriend?”
The OP had mixed feelings about his current relationship.
“I (28 Male) have been dating my girlfriend, Nancy (25 Female), for about two months now.”
“We met on a blind date that our friends set us up on and have been seeing each other relatively regularly since then.”
“I’m not entirely sure if we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but Nancy seems to think so.”
The OP was already questioning one of his girlfriend’s personality traits.
“Nancy describes herself as a bit of a ‘mean girl.'”
“I honestly thought she was joking for a while, as she is typically quite nice. However, she has an awful tendency to insult people based primarily on their appearance.”
“These insults can happen anywhere and at any time and can be targeted at literally anyone. Of course, she never says these things about the person right in front of them.”
“I met her mom and her dad once, and it didn’t take me very long to realize where she got it from.”
Then Nancy took her mean girl habit too far.
“The other day, I invited Nancy to a family friend’s event we were having.”
“My mother’s friend, Sarah, had just gotten out of the hospital for cancer treatment.”
“Sarah’s family and my family are very close; I’ve known them since I was born and consider them to be extended family.”
“Due to cancer and chemotherapy, Sarah no longer has hair and is very thin.”
“Once Nancy saw her, she started smirking. I literally pleaded with her not to say anything rude, and she agreed but told me that I was ruining her fun.”
Nancy decided to have some “fun” of her own.
“Fast forward, I’m chatting with my mother (55 Female) and sister (24 Female). Sarah was talking to others at the party.”
“Nancy walked by and said hello. She chatted for a bit before starting to make several highly offensive jokes about Sarah and her appearance. I will not repeat anything, but her jokes mainly pertained to baldness and anorexia.”
“My mother and sister looked mortified, and so was I. I literally had my jaw hanging open for a good few seconds.”
“Once I snapped out of it, I firmly told Nancy to stop and that no one found her s**tty sense of humor funny except herself.”
“She got upset and said that I was controlling and misogynistic for trying to silence her.”
The party was over for the couple soon after that.
“I maintained my position and reaffirmed that her comments were insane.”
“She got even more upset and asked that we leave.”
“I said it would be rude for me to go, as it was still relatively early, and she ended up leaving on her own.”
“I apologized profusely to my mom and sister. They accepted, but my sister told me (jokingly) that she’ll disown me if she ever sees Nancy again.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to break up with Nancy.
“YTA If you don’t break up with Nancy right now. She thinks the pain and suffering of others is a joke. She’s disgusting.” – Dense-Store8986
“You were right to defend your mother’s friend, and your mother must have very mixed feelings: both pride at your defense, and fear that you will continue to entertain this relationship.”
“You wrote that she never says these bad jokes in front of people, and followed it by describing this situation, in which she obviously does say these jokes in front of people. You need to readjust your perception of her in light of this.”
“She does say these jokes in front of people. She just does. You obviously do not agree with this. You don’t agree with the jokes, but hey, we all laugh at jokes we shouldn’t sometimes, but you 100% absolutely do not agree with her telling these jokes directly to the person she is targetting, which is something she does.”
“I cannot stress enough how you need to incorporate this new knowledge into your perception of your girlfriend. A two-month relationship is not nothing, but you need to trust your disgust on this and allow it to guide your decision about going forward.” – veni_infice_emmanuel
“NTA. If she’s doing this as a 25-year-old, it’s ingrained in her system. There is no excuse for ‘mean girls’ unless that’s your thing and that’s another post for you to write.”
“Anyone who is that mean to strangers probably has the same thoughts about friends and probably you and your family. To even make those comments about a cancer survivor shows a lack of empathy and a questionable moral center. RUN!!!” – catskillkid
“When someone openly tells you they’re a bad person, believe them. When they brag about being a bad person, drop them like a bad habit.”
“OP is NTA for silencing her, but if he stays with her, my opinion may change. She is definitely the AH.” – noluckbut4badluck
“I hope you dump her. She showed you who she is: not just an a**hole, but a horrible, cruel, immature person. She’s just awful. Run far, far away. There are red flags everywhere.” – Pennelle2016
“‘aItA fOR tELlInG mY GirLFrIEnD tO nOt MaKe fUn oF a CanCeR sUrVIvoR?'”
“Bruh, this better be fake because what else do you think?”
“NTA for real, but y-t-a for not using critical thinking or breaking up with her.” – Goody3333
“OP should tell her exactly this. ‘See, you used to be so beautiful, but every time you do this, you become more and more ugly. To the point that you disgust me in every way. Get out of my life and stay there.’”
“Cruel? Maybe. But maybe making this about her looks a bit will make it very clear to her how repulsive she really is.” – thepurplehedgehog
“She might wake up if the OP literally told her she makes everything about looks in an attempt to make herself feel pretty. And that no one of value cares if she is pretty or not. They care if she is awful, which she is.”
“She won’t change if he stays, though. Being broken up with and told the truth is a sort of rock bottom for some people, though.” – start_select
Others were appalled that the OP had even dated her for this long.
“Dude, why are you still with someone who enjoys bullying others? Especially your own friend who is a cancer survivor. You need to dump her because she’s made it clear who she is and she seems proud of her behavior, like saying you’re ‘ruining her fun,’ which is deeply concerning.”
“NTA for saying what you said, but YTA for continuing to date Nancy and for exposing your family and friends to that knowing what she’s like.” – Prestigious_Table630
“YTA. She’s an a**hole too, for obvious reasons. But let me explain why you’re the a**hole:”
“You know what kind of person she is, yet you continue to date her.”
“You know she has this awful tendency to snipe at people’s appearance, yet you continue to date her.”
“You knew she was thinking of making terrible remarks about a f**king cancer patient, someone close to your mom, yet you seem to continue to be dating her.”
“And then when she finally did make those remarks in front of you, your sister, and your mom, you didn’t break up with her on the spot.”
“Is she the best you can do? Is this the best you can do? She’s an a**hole, sure, but you dropped that poisonous little monster on your family, knowing full well the kind of person she is.” – RickyDiscardo
“I’m super confused by all the NTAs. YTA or at least ESH. There’s nothing ‘typically nice’ about someone who makes fun of others behind their backs.”
“You must’ve thought that s**t was funny and cute. That’s a**holery. Now you’re basically saying she crossed the line a bit in her f**kedupness, but maybe not, because you didn’t immediately drop that a**? That’s rudimentary a**hole s**t.” – geminezmarie8
“Her behavior is literally on par with someone who gets ‘fun’ out of torturing animals. I would tell her what a s**tty person she is and never speak to her again. You are the company you keep.” – zuis0804
“YTA for staying with someone like this. You can’t wrestle with pigs and expect to stay clean. If you stay with this person, expect people like your mom and sister to think YOU are less of a good person every time she makes a comment like this.” – jubalhonsu
“Honestly, dude, you’re not taking this seriously enough, and THAT makes you an AH. The f**king second she smirked, I’d be snapping, ‘Do you find something funny about my sick loved one who just suffered through chemo?!'”
“I’m angry, and that’s not even my family. That is truly f**king disgusting.”
“By the way, these comments you’ve made about her being good-looking and not THAT good in bed ARE misogynistic. She’s a monster. Leave her. Never mind her physical attributes.” – Ready-forYou
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a quick update with laugh-crying emojis:
“I was complaining about you-know-who to my friend who introduced us on the phone.”
“He deada** told me that he introduced us on April Fool’s Day for a REASON.”
“He apparently told her friends that he would find her a ‘good guy’ to date.”
The subReddit could understand having a trial phase in a relationship to see if it will work out or not and even giving a person with questionable behavior a second chance to see if they redeem themselves.
But the subReddit also felt that insulting a cancer patient was not that and was grounds for an immediate breakup. If the OP stayed with his girlfriend, it would ultimately say a lot more about him than it would say about her, despite the insults coming straight from her mouth.