Weddings should be celebratory.
But what happens when they fall on the anniversary of a family tragedy?
Redditor throwaway_account437 recently learned the answer to this question when their sister’s wedding fell on an important date in their husband’s life.
The Original Poster (OP) got into an argument with their husband after he refused to attend the momentous occasion due to the date.
This led the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for advice.
They asked:
“AITA for wanting my husband to attend my sister’s wedding?”
They went on to explain.
“I’ve been married to my husband ‘Ford’ for almost a year.”
“6 to 7 years ago, Ford’s family went through a major tragedy (before we started dating), in which he lost five family/extended family members.”
“He’s pretty sensitive about it and usually spends the time that day ‘reflecting’ and visits his mom.”
“I’m very close to my sister, she’s getting married later this year, and I’m MOH. Her wedding date, however, falls on this ‘tragedy date.’”
“Ford is absolutely refusing to attend. I’ve tried to explain it to him, but he doesn’t want to hear it and said I was being selfish expecting him to go.”
“I replied this is his sister-in-law’s wedding, and everyone’s going to ask where my husband is. He’s not willing to compromise, and he’s the one acting selfishly here.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“YTA”
“It’s a dark anniversary for him. He doesn’t stop thinking about it because you pulled some nonsense emotional trump card on him.”
“If he did go, he wouldn’t be some pleasant version of himself, then you and your imaginary judging social circle would dump on him for not being happy on such a beautiful occasion.”
“If he were close enough to your sister-in-law to justify putting this day aside for her, she wouldn’t have scheduled her wedding day on HIS dark anniversary.”
“Sounds dumb? That’s because it is dumb. He’s not going.”
“You’re the sister of the bride, not the bride, and people will not care as much as you seem to think unless your whole family is flailing in drama. ETA his sister-in-law, your sister, mistype” – Zestyclose-Sky-1921
“For me, what cemented the YTA status of OP was putting quotes around ’tragedy date.’”
“It is a date marked by tragedy, and it is relatively fresh, but OP doesn’t care because she doesn’t know if it was 6 o 7 years ago. This shows a pattern of disregarding husband’s feelings.”
“I don’t see this marriage lasting.” – javigonay
“Exactly this!”
“I lost a daughter to a stillbirth two years before I met my husband. He has two close family members (dad and brother) who share a birthday that is the day before my daughter was born sleeping.”
“It’s in the summer, and in 15 years of being together, he has never once forced me to attend any birthday gatherings with him and will often stay back with me, too, even if I don’t want to do anything but curl up in a duvet.”
“For me, it’s not just one day of grief, and it is a few days on either side too. And he lost FIVE members of his family on one date!!! That’s insane and heartbreaking, and OP is definitely a selfish AH!” – PriorHedgehog
“I lost my own father at a young age, in what one can call a tragedy. So I was NTA all the way.”
“But then I read your post (commenter) and was like… hmm, there is a point here, and honestly, even I accepted what occurred eventually and learned to live with it.”
“But I had never given it a thought this way (no siblings, only mum left)”
“(To OP) And now I am just undecided.. but leaning to YTa.”
“Even though I learned to live with one parent dying, your husband dealt with five people (family) at the same time. Like.. f*ck. Couldn’t even imagine that horror.”
“I am gonna say yta – your husband has zero obligation to your family.”
“You should put, what I can only describe as a fill-in-yourself situation, and you, as his wife/SO, should support him in this and be fine with it if he wishes to stay home.”
“And not be an a**hole and what people think about you”
“F*ck what others are gonna ask. It will only ‘embarrass’ you, as that is what I’m making of it in the end based on how you described it all.”
“Well, guess what: I can near guarantee if people ask and you explain in a one-sentence what happened, everyone, including your sister, will be: oh oh my how, so sorry to hear. Fully understand.”
“Congrats with your sister.” – Stormseekr9
“This.”
“If someone I was dating/married to tried to force me to go to a freaking wedding on my fiance’s Death Day (as a personal example since I am a widow and also do not do anything on that day, like OP’s husband) I would honestly question if they were emotionally mature enough to respect my past and how it makes me feel.”
“I also agree that making him go to a wedding is a recipe for disaster. It will completely drop the mood of the whole event.”
“And then people will be jerks to him about it because most people really do not understand personal tragedy on that scale.”
“Also, I am not sure that OP understands that if everyone finds out why her spouse is having a bad time, they’re not going to be nice to her about forcing him to come out on a personal day of tragedy.”
“This could backfire severely on her as well. And if that’s the self-centered reason that causes her to back off, at least she backs off.”
“OP is definitely YTA” – LeSilverKitsune
“All this. If I may add, OP – you’re MOH. If you want to protect your loved ones.”
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“go to the wedding; you’ll be busy being MOH and sister of the bride to notice your husband.”
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“ask your husband what his comfort level is with others knowing where he is?”
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“Suggest something to shoot at together maybe, e.g. ‘Today happens to be a sad anniversary for hubs’ family, he and his mother spend it together.’”
“YTA cause”
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“nowhere in this do you mention asking your husband what he needs and how to navigate this one day a year?”
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“you put reflecting in ‘’ why?”
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“And how’s he being selfish? You went and confirmed a wedding on the anniversary of the saddest day of his life.”
“Did you even talk to him before? Is he ok with you abandoning him on this day?”
“Again, how’s he selfish?”
“You get to go guilt-free and enjoy yourself at the wedding, and it seems he’s not asked/you’ve not offered to support him the other year/s…”
“so you know you’re free on that day (and didn’t even question it all this time until he won’t change that one day for an event you could’ve planned differently if he’s so important).”
“Don’t worry what people say. Worry about your loved ones’ needs imho. You’re throwing the first stone now, doesn’t mean he caused the hurt (glass houses).” – mayfeelthis
“YTA. There’s an easy way to explain it – “This is the anniversary of a great tragedy in my husband’s family, and he didn’t feel like celebrating.” – C_Majuscula
“YTA”
“Your husband is trying to tell you that he’s going to be debilitatingly sad and distracted that day, and you’re still insisting that he attend this wedding so you can avoid the very minor annoyance/discomfort of being at the wedding by yourself.”
“If this wedding has at least a couple dozen guests, I can promise you that very few attendees will think twice about which tertiary invitees are there and which ones aren’t.” – Visual_Humor_2838
“YTA”
“I understand that your sister’s wedding is important to you, but clearly, Ford needs that day to himself.”
“He won’t be “present” at the wedding either way and will likely “spoil” the day for you and possibly your sister.”
“It’s best for everyone if you go and let Ford grieve this day.” – DrSaks
“YTA.”
“You seem more concerned that people will ask about where he is than you are with your husband’s feelings about this date.”
“He’s not telling you to stay home; he prefers to stay home. You’ve known him long enough to know this is a fixed event for him, so (horrors!) you can tell people your husband couldn’t make it.” – TemptingPenguin369
“YTA. Your discomfort over answering questions should not be weighed against his trauma. No one is going to miss him. Have fun, and when people ask, tell them the truth.” – Weekly-Bumblebee6348
“YTA. Honestly, when I found out the date, I would have given my sister the heads up my hubby probably wouldn’t be there and explained why. So no one was surprised or confused.” – CommunicationOdd9406
“YTA”
“This also reminds me of the post earlier this week where the sister is having her wedding on the death of her stepsister and is confused as to why the other sister won’t attend.”
“Anyway, you are wrong, and you are being selfish. If he normally takes that time to reflect and be alone, then let him.”
“Just tell your family that this is a day of pain and mourning for him. But d*mn, do you even like your husband? You even admit it was a major tragedy.” – WickedAngelLove
Hopefully, the OP’s husband and his mom can observe their day in peace.
And that the OP and her sister can enjoy the wedding with gusto and support OP’s husband in the days following the ceremony.