We can all agree that dating can be really fun, but once a relationship starts to get a little more serious, sometimes we start feeling the pressure to show how serious and committed we are to our partner.
How entertainment portrays successful and romantic relationships, as well as how society demands couples perform, certainly doesn’t help with the pressure, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH). subReddit.
Redditor reddituser33-4 really cared about his girlfriend, who he’d been dating for nearly a year, and he genuinely was willing to do basically anything for her.
But when she repeatedly created situations that seemed to test his commitment to her, the Original Poster (OP) began to question how she was treating him in return.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to give my girlfriend my jacket and shoes after I insisted she bring her own?”
The OP noticed that his girlfriend was expecting more from him than she used to.
“I (21 Male) have a girlfriend (25 Female). We’ve been together for nine months, and the relationship is great.”
“I’m a very chivalrous person, opening doors, walking by the road, giving her my jacket when she’s cold, taking her out on dates and such.”
“Recently, I have noticed she had picked up a habit of intentionally leaving her jacket behind and asking for mine, and not packing ballet flats when we go out.”
“Because of this, I always give her my jacket and shoes when we go out, so I am cold and barefooted. I would have been carrying her instead, but I have back issues, and putting any form of pressure on my back is not advised.”
“I asked why she stopped bringing those along, and she said she can’t find her ballet flats and she keeps on forgetting her jacket.”
The OP came up with a solution for both of them to be comfortable.
“To avoid this happening again, I bought her a new pair of flats and kept them in my car. It has been raining the past few days, so the weather has been colder than usual.”
“Two days ago, we went on a date again, and before we left, i reminded her several times to pick up a jacket in case it started raining. Just as we were about to leave, I asked her one more time to pick a jacket, and she said she had it in the car.”
“Fast forward to after our date, we were taking a walk when she said her heels were hurting her feet and she was feeling cold, so she wanted my jacket and shoes.”
“Mind you, it rained a bit while we were on our date so the grass was wet and muddy. I told her to wait for me on a bench so I could quickly grab her shoes and jacket from the car.”
As it turned out, the OP’s girlfriend wasn’t too interested in his solution.
“She was hesitant and insisted she wanted mine, but I told her that hers was in the car, so I would just grab it so we can both be comfortable.”
“Turns out, she had no jacket in the car. I was obviously annoyed at this point, so I called her to come to the car and that we were going home.”
“She was mad at me and said that I was petty for ending a date because of a common jacket.”
“I told her that wasn’t the issue, that it was the fact that she had lied about picking up a jacket.”
“Yes, I would have been frustrated if it was a mistake again, but when I realized she did it on purpose, I refused to give in.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain the girlfriend was testing the OP and told him not to fall for it.
“NTA. She’s testing your boundaries.” – darobk
“You have already proven your devotion to her and the relationship. This is petty and controlling.”
“I had a buddy who went through this in college. She was always s**t-testing him in similar ways. I told him that was some serious bulls**t and that she shouldn’t be doing that to him. I said it was disrespectful. He eventually stopped hanging out with our friend group.”
“Three years later, he called me out of the blue. We meet for a beer and he proceeded to apologize for tanking our friendship over someone who was never grateful for how hard he worked at the relationship. She was never satisfied. Always one more controlling, manipulative, gaslighting s**t test after another.”
“I hung out with him a couple more times after that, but the damage was done. It never had the same feel as before. He moved away months later.” – JohnnyFallDown
“What in the f**k kind of power trippy bulls**t is this? You might be able to justify forgetting once or twice, because some people are just forgetful. But this is intentional.” – TheSecondEikonOfFire
“I may be terminally on Reddit, but to me, it sounds like she WANTS him to be uncomfortable as some sort of show of love for her. Like, ‘if you really loved me, you’d sacrifice your clothes and shoes for me just because I demand it.'”
“Or else she’s a Terminator and next she’s going to demand his motorcycle.” – vonsnootingham
“This is also abuse. I think people are hesitant to say it because OP is a guy, but what if it was the other way around? Making your partner suffer in the elements to stroke your own ego is kinda sociopathic.” – Kristophales
“She’s intentionally getting a kick out of inconveniencing OP for her own benefit. She enjoys the security it gives her to know that this guy would make himself uncomfortable for her. It’s a power dynamic and she’s definitely abusing his kindness.”
“OP, this type of person is very dangerous. She is taking her need for validation and using that to jerk you around instead of having adult conversations about what would make her feel loved.”
“If acts of service is her love language, there are definitely ways to express that that DON’T leave you barefoot and cold. In fact, buying a pair of backup shoes and keeping them in your car IS an incredible act of service, so she should have been grateful.” – moth_girl_7
Others agreed and firmly stated that the girlfriend needed to be more independent.
“Seriously, don’t put yourself in that position. I’ve heard of being nice once in a while by offering a jacket, but expecting you to walk in socks or barefoot is seriously not cool. Does she want you to have warty feet?”
“She needs to act mature and take care of her own needs. Next thing you know you’ll be living together and she’ll deem herself not to ever cook or do any cleaning.” – EvilDan69
“NTA. She needs to bring her own jacket and shoes. It was alright the first few times, but now it’s just getting old. You don’t want to suffer walking in the mud barefoot and going in the rain without a jacket. It’s uncomfortable.” – Octuplicate
“It’s a thing shown in K-dramas or other East Asian dramas. Either the man gives up his shoes and walks with just socks, or he gets himself cheap slippers from the convenience store, or buys the girl some cute new shoes. I love these dramas and will squee over cute scenes, but trying to enact it in real life over and over is just plain ridiculous.”
“This ‘girlfriend’ seems to be imitating TV for real Iife. It looks like OP is heading into resentment lane. I’m fascinated to see when OP realizes his self-worth and sits the girlfriend down and talks real talk.”
“Looks like they both could sit down and really hash out boundaries because the OP and girlfriend both have none.” – poochonmom
“My boyfriend will often offer me his sweater if I am obviously cold, and I always tell him, ‘no, thank you,’ if he is already wearing his sweater, because he is obviously cold, too. I refuse to make my partner suffer because of MY lack of planning.”
“Not to pat myself on the back for basic human decency, but the OP’s girlfriend should take some notes.” – TheCatsPajamas96
“In a decade of being together, I wore my significant other’s shoes once. We were on holiday and walked so much, I got a literal hole in my shoe, so he allowed me to wear his while he went on slippers to a nearby store to get new shoes.”
“It was a very sweet gesture that I’ll always remember. I’ve also learned to bring my own spare shoes, and I definitely accept aborting current plans if we find an unplanned situation like that.”
“If she just wants a jacket that he’s worn she can ask in advance if he can bring a spare. Letting him go cold means she likes being treated like a princess but doesn’t really care about his comfort. Which is unacceptable.” – Violetsme
“This is slightly off-topic but still related story that reminds me of this.”
“My boyfriend and I went on a date in the city one day and had plans to hit two places, maybe a park or restaurant between them. Both ended up getting canceled, and we’d already paid for parking so we ended up walking around.”
“I was a fool who wore three-inch heel boots and had my fair share of my complaints near the end of the day, so I was thinking about just walking back in my socks.”
“He just said, ‘It can’t be that bad, I could do that,’ and sat in the grass so he could squeeze on my boots. He walked two miles back to the car in my heels while I wore his sneakers.”
“I think he wanted to prove it to himself more than anything and didn’t actually care that I was complaining, I didn’t even consider that. We laughed about it and he actually did end up complaining (rightfully so, haha).”
“It was a great act of chivalry, and hilarious but if it was every time I’m sure it would lose its charm real fast. He had a walk like he was born for the runway though so I’ll never forget it.”
“The difference is that was his choice, and it led to a great memory. It doesn’t sound to me like the OP is gaining any good memories with his girlfriend through this, even though they’re in what should be one of the most fun phases of their relationship, the regular dating phase.” – bustedinchevywindow
The subReddit was shocked by what they had read and what the OP had been willing to put up with in his relationship so far, simply because he cared about his girlfriend.
It was clear the OP had already done enough to prove his love for his girlfriend, and keeping spare items in the back of his car would only continue to show that love, not minimize it.
Rather, by having spare items in the back of the car would allow for both people to be comfortable, which would lead to more fun times, and longer and more frequent outings, which the girlfriend should appreciate.