Redditor TraditionImpressive2 is a female flat-owner with a boyfriend with whom she dated for 18 months.
Their relationship just entered what should've been an exciting chapter for both of them, but their future plans recently hit a snag.
The issue stemmed from her work history, which initially didn't bother him–although he did ask her to tell his family a little "white lie" about it.
When things went south in their relationship, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for refusing to sell the place I bought with 'stripper money?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For several years I was a stripper. I have no shame about what I did, and only quit when I got a better job offer."
"In the time I worked as a stripper, I intentionally lived as cheaply as possible (sh**ty little studio flat, living off ramen, wearing old clothes) because my coworkers all told me that they were able to buy their own places on their income, so long as they saved like crazy."
"Before I 'retired', I managed to outright buy myself a 3 bedroom flat. I rented out the other rooms for a while but I got sick of having roommates, so now I have them up online for shorter stays, but not to rent."
"I met this guy about 18 months ago, and we've been together since. He knows about my employment history, and he said that he has no issue with it, though he did ask me to tell his family the white lie I occasionally use (on my CV and stuff), which is that I was a waitress (which I kind of was tbf)."
"A month ago we found out that I'm 2 months pregnant. He says this is great news, and we should move in together. I assumed he'd be moving into my place because he rents his (far smaller 1 bedroom) flat while I own mine, and I have room for a baby's room while he doesn't."
"Also, I really don't want to leave my flat. It's my flat, I love it, I could see myself living here for the rest of my life, and I don't want to lose the security of owning a flat and have to go back to paying rent or a mortgage each month."
"However, he then said that he didn't want to move into my place, and said I should sell it and we buy a place together. I said that I like my place, it means a lot to me that I was able to buy it, and it represents years of working my arse off scrimping and saving."
"He then said that he understands all of that, but we should be living together by the time the baby comes and he didn't want to live in my flat."
"I asked him why not - it's a great flat, it's central to everything, it's spacious, it's got room for all his stuff, there's a daycare in the building (run/owned by another tenant) and a school 5-minute walk away, the list goes on - and he said that he didn't want to live in a flat that was bought with 'stripper money.'"
"That really pissed me off, and I told him no f'king way am I selling my flat and that he never had an issue with my 'stripper money' paying for this flat before now. I said I wasn't giving up the security of owning a home for someone who tries to make me feel ashamed about something I don't feel ashamed of."
"He said that his point is if I sold the flat then we could get a new place with the money from the sale. I said 'wouldn't that still be stripper money?' and he said 'that's different', and I asked how. He then said he was going back to his place because 'I can't talk to you when you're in this state.'"
"He's gone back to his flat now and he's texted me saying I'm overreacting/irrational and I need to think of this realistically rather than emotionally. He says he wouldn't feel right raising a child in my flat knowing how I purchased it and selling/moving is the best idea of all of us, not to mention the fact he isn't on the deed because it's my place and it 'would never feel like our place' because of this."
"I feel I might be the arse because I get why he might feel like it's just my place and I feel I'm being too rigid in a time we need to work together, plus I spoke to my sister and she sided with him so 2 out of 3 people think I'm in the wrong here."
"AITA?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
"Honestly I just love the thought of a bunch of strippers sitting around backstage discussing proper investing and homeownership."
"NTA, you’re a smart driven woman who’s made some brilliant choices (boyfriend notwithstanding, but we’ve all been there) I also think your sister is unreasonable and possibly jealous to side with him." – textilefaery
"NTA. He's being irrational. Evidently he's way less okay with the stripper thing than he's been letting on." – AlectoGaia
"NTA and big red flag that when he doesn't have a valid argument he calls YOU emotional and unreasonable. I can understand not feeling it's 'his' place."
"But does he intend to put up half of whatever you move to or he just wants a place he got to pick out together? If he wants to put in half and buy part of your place it makes it both of yours. Or sell and both put equal amounts into a new place then worth discussing."
"The stripper money argument it's ugly and also illogical. Very concerning he went there." – progressivelens
"Huge NTA. Um, any money you make from selling that apartment will be 'stripper money' too. Does he want to pay for the new apartment himself? Have you go into debt when you don't need to?"
"Also good job on saving that well to buy an apartment out right!" – chocolatemugcake
"Omg please tell me you're not going to do it."
"Not to mention that you are not going to get a good price for your flat during a pandemic."
"He is calling YOU emotional and irrational when he's asking you to go into debt, fully financially commit to him, and give up an apartment you love because he has the heebee jeebies? F**k that. He is a self-employed 'entrepeneur' and is taking you for a ride if he gets half your assets."
"Don't do it just because of the baby, or because your sister is relating to him being judgemental. Raise that kid to be a bada** who doesn't let people shame them into selling their home." – molly_menace
"Former stripper here, I was in a similar situation at one point (minus the pregnancy) and for a fact, he is doing this to gaslight you, keep you connected and tied to him, and have a comfortable lifestyle without the sacrifices."
"DO NOT let all your hustling go to waste by letting this man come near your bag. Let’s be honest, strippers are the best judges of men’s character. We can read them, and we know them. What do your stripper instincts tell you about this man?" – TheGreekB*tch
"NTA NTA NTA. You’re being very reasonable and he’s the one who’s being irrational about what place to live in! Sounds a little gaslighting to me...especially that “this state” sentence. You can’t rewind time and buy your wonderful apartment with different money...why is he pretending you can?" – mckinnos
'and he said that he didn't want to live in a flat that was bought with "stripper money.'"
"Nta and he sucks for sure. Are you sure you want to live with, have a baby with, or pursue a relationship with someone who is already slut-shaming you? I have bad news I think he's going to be that way for a long while yet."
"He literally wants to upend your life and destabilize you in a pandemic for his pride and jealousy over your past? Is he dumb? Selfish? He seems like the kind of person who would use your past against you in custody or throw it back in your face in anger if he's irrational enough to do what he's doing."
"He might also just be asking for something unreasonable simply because it's been 18 months and he doesn't want to move in and take on responsibility so he can blame it on you when it doesn't happen." – NothappyJane
Overall, Redditors thought the boyfriend was being irrational, and they also insisted the OP not sell her home under these circumstances.
The OP had an unfortunate update.
"I dumped him. There was a whole conversation and during the conversation, he said he didn't want to be a parent if I wasn't willing to do everything he wanted, including sharing a house/deed (plus staying together)."
"Also, at the start of the conversation, I said what a few people suggested, which was that I'd be willing to sell and split the house with him, provided he paid 50%, and he got very very angry, very very quickly."
"He also said a few other things, so IDK how it's all going to pan out just yet, but it looks like I'm going to be a single mother."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.