Having a roommate can be a fun, memorable experience, but because there are shared spaces, there have to be some rules.
Otherwise, someone's going to get embarrassed, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Tired_Palpitation felt bad when he accidentally saw his roommate's girlfriend naked, embarrassing her.
But the Original Poster (OP) was not prepared for his roommate's reaction to the accident.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for accidentally seeing my roommate's girlfriend naked?"
The OP infrequently saw his roommate or the roommate's girlfriend.
"I'm a medical student, and to make ends meet I share an apartment with my roommate, whom I'll be calling Adam (not his real name)."
"He's also a student in the same university, but in different fields (he's coursing in civil engineering). That being said, we never had problems before in the three years we've been sharing the apartment."
"In truth, I spend most of my time in the school hospital from our university and only really go home to sleep, or spend the weekend. I believe this is the reason we don't have many issues."
"Anyhow, Adam has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for the past two years. I barely exchanged more than a few words with her since we don't really see each other that often, but she seems like a nice girl."
The OP typically had a set schedule.
"This weekend, I had the option of accompanying a professor of mine and his residents in their night shift in the ER."
"As you would assume, that's a golden opportunity to learn and there was absolutely no way I could pass that up. Thus, I made some arrangements and was able to be on their shift."
"This shift started at midnight and ended at noon on the next day, on Friday/Saturday and Sunday/Monday."
"As you would expect, that was definitely different from my usual schedule, which is eight to eight, due to classes and some extra internships."
The couple wasn't expecting him to be home.
"This past Monday, I was exhausted after shadowing them and helping them out for their whole shift, and just wanted to get home and collapse on my bed."
"As I was just getting home, I thought I would eat something before sleeping."
"That's when I went to the kitchen, to be surprised with the image of Adam's girlfriend butt naked drinking something."
"As you would imagine, both of us were quite startled, and I immediately turned around and went to the living room apologizing like crazy."
"There was no way for me to know she was there, it was an accident. I didn't hear anything, only the door for his room closing up after she ran there."
"Well, it's a delicate situation and I understand the embarrassment."
The OP had a surprise waiting for him when he woke up.
"Regardless, I was tired and even forgot to eat, just decided to go to bed. I slept like a brick, but when I woke up, I noticed many calls and messages from Adam."
"I read through them, and they were essentially all asking where I was or if I was awake."
"I left my room to talk to him after that, thinking something could have happened. Hoping he was alright."
'Well, here's the thing, he wasn't looking for me because of something he needed my help with."
"He wanted to scream and shout at me, that I was an a**hole for not 'telling him' I was going to be home during the day. That I was an a**hole for coming that time and that I had embarrassed his girlfriend."
"Now, I understand that the girl felt bad, but hey, this is my house, right?"
"Regardless, I wanted to know, AITA here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Her
Some pointed out the rules of common areas.
"The nerve of this guy. When you live in a shared space, a roommate can show up at any time. Maybe they need their own space." - Munbeam19
"OP should just say 'hey new rule, nobody walks around common areas naked, not paying tenants or guests, just nobody be naked'. Problem solved!" - seafareral
"NTA. Basic house rule 101: if you don't want people to see you naked, don't walk around naked. How difficult is that?"
"You are his roommate, not his kid: you don't have to report to him when you'll be home. This is your place as much as his." - MaybeAWalrus
Others pointed out the girlfriend was naked in someone else's house.
"Who walks around naked with a roommate situation going on? It's his apartment too and he doesn't need to explain why or when he's going to be home. NTA." - AtlasFalls91
"I mean, not only is it his place just as much as the roommates but it is also NOT even her place."
'Imagine walking around someone else's apartment naked and then your boyfriend being furious your roommate had the audacity to return to his own apartment without first informing your boyfriend?" - NPE37
"NTA. Nothing is your fault, at all!"
"She was naked in a common area of the house, unless it's agreed upon, upfront, and everyone is consenting to that, it's complete bulls**t on their part."
"Like, Adam's girlfriend just shouldn't be walking around naked in someone else's place."
"Adam is then having a childlike tantrum meltdown over an issue he and his girlfriend caused."
"He allowed her to walk around naked. If he didn't want people seeing her in the kitchen naked, all he had to do was tell her to put on a dressing gown/bathrobe or something outside of his bedroom."
'Now you saw her naked. You're adults. No big deal. Brush it off and laugh about it later like adults."
"Finally, WTF (what the f**k) is up with him expecting you to report to him? GTFO (get the f**k out of) here with that noise."
"You pay rent and live there, you have all the rights he does. You are not beholden to him. He's not your parent or your landlord or your caretaker."
"To put that in perspective, ask him to report to you on all his comings and goings. Do you think he'll do it? Do you think he'll protest?"
"The simplest answer is the most obvious. Adam's girlfriend is not on the lease (I assume) so either she doesn't come around anymore, or she keeps her naked a** in his room."
"Coz all the drama is started by them alone. You just happen to be there." - Sirix_8472
Some made suggestions about giving the roommate a schedule.
"NTA, it sounds like he's taking advantage of your schedule to have his girlfriend over enough times to feel comfortable enough to walk around naked." - yellowish_alien
"NTA."
"Tell him, 'This is my home too and I will come and go as I please. My schedule is unpredictable, so your guests should be clothed in the common areas if they don't want to be seen naked.'" - ScubaCC
"Instead of OP giving the roommate a list of all the times he will be in his own apartment, perhaps the roommate could just give OP a list of the times that his girlfriend will be walking naked through common areas. That's got to be a shorter list, right?" - Retlifon
While the OP felt kind of bad about embarrassing his roommate's girlfriend, the subReddit thought they should have seen it coming.
How many times did the girlfriend visit that she was comfortable enough to walk around naked in a shared space? Surely they must have realized the possibility of being walked in on?
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.