When someone marries into a family, it’s often assumed that a partner automatically becomes an ironclad family member.
A person right away gets a new set of parents and siblings and so on.
That is not a definitive situation for all.
Some families would rather that not be the case at all.
Case in point…
Redditor Classic_Audience_512 to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for pointing out to my wife that my mother will never be her parent and she needs to stop?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My mom (64) is polite and, in general, keeps a distance away from my wife (26).”
“I know my wife has trouble with social interaction, and they got off on a horrible start.”
“My wife, I am going to call her Lily, was in foster care and never had a parental figure, and she went hard into trying to become my mom’s kid.”
“I think it would have happened if my wife had let the relationship grow naturally, but she didn’t take any of my warnings and bulldozed what my mom wanted.”
“A few examples, she kept calling her ‘Mum’ even after she told her multiple times to call her by her name.”
“Lily would make her uncomfortable, especially when she would ask my mom very personal questions or go way too deep.”
“I have talked to her so many times, but she doesn’t stop.”
“The family has taken their concerns with me also and have straight up told her to stop.”
“The big turning point was when my mom and her daughters (my sisters) went to visit a deceased family member.”
“It’s a tradition between the three of them.”
“Well, Lily heard about it and went.”
“It went very poorly, and my sisters dislike Lily now also.”
“We are invited to events and are still in the family, but the women of the family keep their distance.”
“There is a girl’s trip around Christmas, and she wasn’t invited.”
“This made my wife very upset, and she was ranting.”
“I had enough when Lily said she was her kid.”
“I snapped and told her my mother would never be her mom, and you need to stop.”
“She ended up crying, and now I feel guilty.”
“I just don’t know how to get it through her head that she needs to stop.”
“I’ve talked with her so many times, and she is already in therapy.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
“I see both sides of the story here.”
“I feel so sad for your wife but also for your family.”
“I can imagine your wife thinking for a long while that once she gets married, she’d finally have parents.”
“It was her last chance to get some, in her mind I’m sure.”
“Unfortunately, that’s not always how life works and I don’t think you were the AH for saying what you said, it’s good that you did.”
“She can finally come to the realization that they’re never going to accept her as their own.”
“Hopefully, she’ll stop trying so hard.”
“My heart goes out to her, though; maybe she should see a therapist to help her process her childhood grief. NTA.” ~ AuntyAntonella
“She can understand her own feelings of being uncomfortable with you being close to her therapist but can’t understand that your mom is uncomfortable with her forcing closeness on her?”
“That’s a little concerning. I know her therapist cannot, and should not, tell you anything but you can still talk to a therapist.”
“I don’t think it would be a bad idea to tell the therapist your concerns and even ask what you can do to support your wife while still maintaining healthy boundaries in the family.” ~ thaliagorgon
“OP, if you read this, please do not approach your wife’s therapist to talk about her behind her back.”
“If you need guidance, get your own therapist.”
“You could damage the trust in that relationship without meaning to and send her spiraling.”
“You’re NTA, but your family keeping her at arm’s length is probably intensely triggering, and you approaching her therapist to discuss her behind her back might be as well.”
“Do work it out with a professional, just not hers.” ~ Additional-Idea-5164
“NAH, but Lily needs to understand that all relationships have boundaries, all families have boundaries.”
“And if she wants to be accepted and included, she needs to be respectful of these boundaries and not push herself onto others.”
“She needs to learn a little empathy and realize how she’s making the women in your family feel.” ~ thaliagorgon
“I feel bad for your wife.”
“She should have chosen better.”
“I can’t imagine the situation she is in.”
“There are so many families that would have accepted her immediately or actually tried to make her feel like family.” ~ Massive_Low6000
“No, it’s not them, it’s her.”
“No one in ANY social context (sexual, romantic, friendship, family, workplace, etc.) likes a needy, desperate, clingy, presumptuous person who ignores boundaries and refuses to earn love and respect.”
“People like that are suffocating and extremely off-putting.”
“I do anything I can to avoid them.”
“I genuinely feel bad that wife got dealt a bad hand in her childhood and probably never got the opportunity to learn how to properly approach and manage expectations in relationships.”
“But at some point, an adult needs to act like an adult.” ~ alwaysonthecusp
“I’m looking at this as someone who had one parent die when I was in my early teens and was estranged from my other parent (and the rest of my family) for years then that parent died when I was in my early 20s.”
“Not the same exact situation, but I understand that it is difficult not having a family.”
“Still that doesn’t mean the OP’s wife can repeatedly step on other people’s boundaries or try to force a relationship. NTA.” ~ FancyPantsDancer
“Sure does sound like the therapy isn’t working at all, to be honest.”
“I’m sure you could have been gentler to her in telling her what you did, but I’m still going NTA.”
“It sounds like she has been warned and told S[ignificant] O[ther] many times, at what point does she take responsibility for her actions?” ~ Aggressive-Bed3269
“Honestly, I don’t even understand how you could end up married to someone like this; she is obviously outside of what you consider acceptable.”
“It sounds like something is wrong with her.”
“I don’t understand why everyone is acting like she is just choosing to be obnoxious.”
“I can’t imagine someone choosing to be that obnoxious and then crying because nobody likes her.”
“I find myself thinking that what she needs is compassion and assistance.” ~ mifflewhat
“Firstly, NTA – but going off of this comment and a few other details you mentioned (forgive me here if I’m treading poorly, and remember that I don’t know your wife and don’t mean this at all as judgment or insult of her), your wife seems to have a difficult time understanding social cues/norms in certain situations.”
“Is she on the spectrum at all?” ~ bedpeace
“I think OP is saying they got off to a horrible start because the wife was ignoring things the family told her not to do.”
“If someone says ‘Don’t call me mum, call me (name)’ and you keep doing it, it isn’t socially inappropriate anymore, it is rude.”
“If someone asks very personal questions and is told to stop asking them that is very rude.”
“Obviously it isn’t a crime but the other person will also start to feel awkward as well. NTA.” ~ ManyYou918
“I think your wife is fixated because she can’t resolve what happened to her as a child.”
“She is repeating the pain she felt as a child with your mom, and it’s not going to stop until she deals with the grief head-on and can figure it out.”
“Humans are like this; we keep replaying the trauma either in our minds or in real-life relationships, sabotaging any happiness we can have because the pain is there, and we feel we need to be punished.”
“As soon as you figure out why you’re trying to self-punish, you can work through it and move on.”
“Maybe that’s what your wife needs.”
“Point out that she is punishing herself for her parent’s choices to leave her in foster care, or whatever the situation is.”
“Could be they passed away, and no other family stepped up? It could be whatever, but she may be blaming herself?”
“And she needs to heal herself first before trying to build other unstable relationships on a rocky foundation I feel for you, I feel for her, and I feel for your mom.”
“I hope the relationship will blossom into something positive as time goes on. NTA.” ~ SeaPaleontologist247
“NTA, your family set boundaries, and she trampled over them.” ~witchy1029
“The amount of people in this thread who think that having boundaries makes you cold and unfeeling is mind-boggling.” ~ CatterMater
OP came back to chat…
“She got off with a horrible start since she asked my mother the first time meeting before we got married bedroom tips.”
“And kept asking even after my mom made it clear she didn’t want to talk about sex with her.”
“Just kept going downhill from there.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you here.
This is a tricky situation.
You want your wife to be accepted as part of your family, but she has to learn how to accept boundaries.
Hopefully, therapy works out, and maybe if you have a serious heart-to-heart with Mom, she may understand better.
Good luck.