A healthy relationship is a balancing act.
On one hand, in a good partnership each person comes to rely on the other for joy, support, and even advice when it's necessary.
That said, each person must be allowed to hold on to their autonomy for the match to remain sustainable.
One guy on Reddit had a heck of a time figuring out how to walk that line.
TASorrynotsorry, as the Original Poster (OP) is known on the site, posted in the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit and asked for some feedback about the whole ordeal.
OP's title for the post clarified the specific context of the struggle.
"AITA for not liking how my girlfriend dresses for work?"
He kicked off his explanation with a preview of how things eventually shook out.
"So I [43-year-old male] don't think I'm in the wrong here, but my mother is very angry at me..."
"...and my best friend said I was a horrible person for saying what I did and I'd be lucky if my girlfriend didn't put me out with the garbage, since I decided I wanted to act like trash."
Then he got down to specifics.
"My girlfriend [34-year-old female] is a preschool teacher and for some reason I can't explain she dresses like Ms. Frizzle. Like a dress with the pattern of whatever they are studying."
"She makes a lot of them herself, now including matching masks. The kids love it, and the parents seem to think it's great."
"I don't like the amount of attention she gets honestly. I'd prefer if she came home and changed before running any errands."
He tried to levy some influence.
"On Friday, she helped my mom with something after work and she was still in her weird dress."
"I have told her before I don't like when she dresses that way, but she tells me I don't have to like it, but I have no right to tell her how to dress."
"I was upset she went out like that with my mother, and told her that my mom said she was embarrassed and to ask that she please not dress like that again if they're going out."
But there was an unforeseen response.
"I was not expecting her to call my mom and apologize. When my mom asked what she meant, she told her what I said."
"My mom was furious, explained she doesn't have a problem with how my girlfriend dresses and thinks it's great she spends extra time doing things to engage her students."
"My mom then yelled at me for lying to my girlfriend and trying to throw her under the bus because I was being an insecure jerk."
And his mom was not the only one angry.
"My girlfriend and I got into a huge fight."
"I said she should be embarrassed to be seen in public like that. She said the only thing she was embarrassed by was me."
"She hasn't spoken to me or done anything for me since."
He was left reflecting.
"My friend said I was horrible and called me trash."
"I shouldn't have lied, but I think my girlfriend should take what I think about her clothes into consideration and I'm not sorry for expecting her dress more appropriately in public."
"Am I really such an a**hole here?"
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked for feedback by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Unfortunately for OP, most Redditors invoked the YTA acronym and totally slammed his behavior.
Some folks were simply stunned.
"Bro.... What? YTA Mrs. Frizzle is a treasure, she is not to be disrespected." -- KnightofNiApplicant
"YTA. You...don't understand why a preschool teacher would dress in bright, fun, educational outfits? This can't be for real, can it?" -- mm172
"YTA. How are you not the a**hole? She gets to dress how she wants, whether you like it or not."
"And that nonsense about lying that your mother was embarrassed? What the hell were you thinking? Absolutely YTA." -- beavisdog
Others cited specifics as they called him out.
"YTA. In what world is she 'inappropriate?' She sounds like she has confidence and a personality." -- dftaylor
"YTA Even mommy thinks you're an a**, that should be a hint." -- mekta_satak_oz
"Look, your mom and friend are right."
"You acted atrociously, you lied, you seem to think your opinion should hold more weight than her own, and when called out, you act like everyone else is being unreasonable."
"Why exactly do you think she should take your opinion on how she dresses into consideration? Do you take her opinion into consideration because it certainly doesn't sound like it." -- FesteringNoseOlives
"YTA, 1) for lying 2) for thinking she has to wear the way you like"
"Seriously, if everybody won't give a f*** about what others wear this world would be better" -- mattblack85
And when OP's post made its way to Twitter, people were equally outraged.
That last Twitter user was probably happy to see OP's parting update that he added to the bottom of the original post:
"EDIT: I'm sure you all will be pleased to know we broke up tonight. She said I'm too controlling and narrow minded so she broke up with me."
Between the breakup and the onslaught of internet outrage, perhaps OP will think twice before trying to control his next partner.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.