Redditor ThrowRaTooka is a husband whose job still required him to be away from home while his wife worked remotely during pandemic lockdown.
During this time, his wife had been transparent with him about her friendship with her ex from high school who was becoming a regular visitor.
However, a recent incident infuriated the husband and he consulted the Relationship Advice subReddit to look for help with how to proceed.
The Original Poster (OP) wrote as the title for his post:
“My (29 M[ale]) wife (27 F[emale]) has been working from home the past few months and has started having her high-school ex over a lot. I told her this is unacceptable.”
“Am I in the wrong for this?”
“Hey everyone. I know that the title may sound confusing without the background that I am about to give. So ever since [the virus] started my wife has been working from home. My job never let us do that so I have still been driving to work everyday.”
The OP began with a favorable description of his wife’s friend.
“She has a friend that she occasionally hangs out with. He’s been invited to hang out with both of us before too. He’s nice, fun to hang around and pretty cool. I’ve had no problem with this.”
“My wife made me aware pretty early on that she dated him in high school. She said that they dated their freshman and sophomore year. They never had sex but did mess around. They started reconnecting as friends during their senior year.”
“At that tone he had a girlfriend and she was starting to see another guy as well. She claims that after they broke up there was never anything romantic between them again.”
“When [the virus] started my wife said that she would be able to work from home. I was glad and happy for her as I knew it’d be easier and even save gas.”
“She said that her friend was going to be able to work from home too so they may meet up sometimes to go over their work and help each other (they both work in a similar field).”
“One day I came home and noticed that he was there. I thought nothing of it really as my wife had told me about this. They both had their computers and [looked like] they were working pretty hard. For a while it was like this.”
“Suddenly a few weeks in I would come home and they would casually be hanging out and having fun. Sometimes they would be playing a game, sometimes they would be drinking, sometimes they would be eating. I started finding this a little bit weird.”
“It seemed as though he was getting more attention than me and that she was having a better time with him than me. Then one day when I came home it was the final straw. They were both on the couch and her head was in his lap while they were watching TV. I waited until he left and then had a talk with her.”
“I was fuming. I yelled at her and told her that their actions have been unacceptable and that there’s no reason that she should be laying with a friend like that.”
“I expressed how I felt like she has been showing him more attention than her husband and that it seemed like they were having more fun together than we do.”
“Not to mention that they had dated before and fooled around. She got really upset and said I had no right to tell her that she can no longer hang around someone. She was mad that I seemed to claim that she was cheating on me with him and swore that she was not and would not do that.”
“She said that all they were doing was relaxing and that it was not wrong to lay her head on his lap. The last two days he has not been at the house when I got home.”
“She says that she has not seen him since our talk. I apologized for being so angry about it. She doesn’t seem like she has really accepted my apology as she has been really quite around me ever since.”
“How do I make things better? Is she cheating? How do I handle things between her and this friend?”
Strangers weighed in with their thoughts about the ex crossing a boundary.
“I agree with you. When you said they had computers out and were working hard I felt it seemed innocent enough.”
“However…a woman putting her head in some guy’s lap??? No no no….boundaries are being crossed. It is not appropriate and she knows it.”
“Would she be okay if the situation was reversed?” – FormerlyTipsy
The OP responded with:
“Thank you. I don’t like how everyone is automatically saying that it’s wrong that the guy is over there in the first place.”
“Sure it’s weird that they dated, but that was very many years ago. I had no problem when they were working. But what they did was taking it too far.”
His comment was immediately challenged.
“You are wrong. She would never be okay with your ex coming over to work in your house.”
“Also social distancing means no one comes over.”
“You are being blind.” – mrjasjit
This Redditor was not convinced this was a closed chapter and made a suggestion.
“Setup a hidden SSID, and at least one wireless camera and tape-over/disable the camera light.”
“You are not going to like what you find.” – mrjasjit
And the OP did just that.
The next development in the OP’s story confirmed his suspicions when he decided to set up hidden cameras inside their home.
In a followup post, the OP wrote:
“So last week I posted here about my wife spending time at our house with an old ex that she used to have from high school. He had been coming over and working from home with her ever since [the virus] started.”
“At first I thought nothing of it as they were just simply helping each other with their work. Then they started to hang out and stuff more. When I caught her laying down with her head in his lap I had enough.”
“I told her he could no longer come over. She was mad and took offense to this but agreed. Most people here agreed with me that it was sketchy for her to do this. I was made aware that he could still be coming over during the day and leaving before I get there.”
“I ended up buying a camera that I could set up and hide while I am at work. I put one in the living room and one in the bedroom. The first day they were set up I saw nothing unusual. The second day was when it happened.”
“The ex came over. At first they were just working, but then he started to get pretty touchy with her. It progressed until they needed up going to our bedroom and sleeping together. I was shocked. I wasn’t sure what to do.”
“As soon as I saw my wife again I questioned her if she had been seeing him anymore. She denied it. I told her that I had cameras installed in the house. Her face changed completely then. She knew what I had seen. She immediately started crying.”
“I told her to leave the house. She tried to apologize and explain but I wasn’t having any of it.”
“Since then we have talked to each other once. I told her that I don’t see how anything can happen besides a divorce. She said she doesn’t want that and asked if I would go to couples counseling one time before making that final decision.”
“I reluctantly agreed. I don’t expect it to work and I’m mainly doing it to humor her. I’m still looking and trying to contact divorce attorneys as I’m typing this.”
Many Redditors shared their empathy and encouraged the OP to seek individual therapy over couple’s counseling.
“I’m really sorry this happened to you. I wish people could be honest and truthful the first time they are asked before evidence is released.” – Drakethomas24
“I would recommend to skip the couples counseling and just start your own individual therapy.”
“Even if it hasn’t fully hit you yet this type of betrayal is going to affect every relationship you have moving forward. It will help a lot to have someone to talk to about all these things.” – LongFallDown
“Leave and get help and make sure this doesn’t scar you for next time. Going to prolonged couples counselling, having false dawns, not having clarity on the outcome will just waste time for you.”
“Take care of you and find someone better. When it happened to me my Grandad said to me what he’d have said to his kids, ‘be sure that you know who the unlucky one is.’”
“It’s not you. You get to sort it out, and find someone who you really need.” – TJayEl
“She’s not sorry she did it, only that she got caught. Her version of therapy is going to be gaslighting him into believing he drove her to do this and it was somehow his fault.”
“OP’s priority should be to immediately freeze any account she has access to, and he should not say a word to her until after he consults with an attorney.” – jzdelona
Overall, Redditors believed that the OP’s wife was not sorry about the affair. She was sorry she got caught on camera.