Declining health is a serious subject, but too often, losing weight is made the core target of improvement.
But when it comes to implementing weight loss strategies, there are absolutely do's and don'ts to follow, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted their account, was worried about their teen sister, who was overweight and likely to develop diabetes during her life.
But when their mother criticized them for their methods of helping their sister improve her diet, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they had meddled too much in their sister's life, despite their good intentions.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for secretly feeding my sister vegetables?"
The OP was worried for their sister and the state of her health.
"My sister is 16 and heavily overweight. She's 5'2 or 5'3 but 170+lbs. She's already pre-diabetic and if she doesn't lose weight pronto, she'll have to go on metformin."
"Diabetes runs in our family (my mom and grandma both have it) and as it is, she already has really low energy levels and clumps of her hair are falling out!"
"I'm really worried about her and have tried to introduce her to various forms of 'fun' exercises (like swimming, those weird indoor cycling classes with the EDM (Electronic Dance Music) and the lights and s**t, 30-minute walks, wall climbing) but she absolutely HATED it all."
"The other thing is, she doesn't eat any fruits or vegetables, except maybe potatoes, and bananas when they're in 'acceptable' forms like in chocolate-banana smoothies or in banana bread."
The OP decided to make one other attempt to help their sister.
"As a last-ditch attempt, a couple of days ago, I decided to just take over the family menu and feed her dishes that secretly have vegetables in them."
"For breakfast, I made green smoothies but added lots of (sugar-free) matcha to explain the 'green' color and mask the flavors of the fruits and veggies."
"I made 'cheese' sauces out of pumpkin and carrots and flavored them with nutritional yeast."
"I mixed crushed cauliflower into fried rice, etc etc."
"I have to lie about them because even if it tastes good, if she knows there are fruits or veggies she doesn't like in the dish, she'll immediately stop eating it."
But then their mother found out and was furious.
"It was going well until our mom found out the dishes secretly had vegetables in them."
"She started this whole argument about how it was 'unethical' to lie to my sister about what we were feeding her, and it escalated into a yelling match where I told my mom she clearly wasn't worried enough about my sister's health and that she knew nothing about nutrition (she thinks apple pie is healthy???)."
"My mom has banned me from preparing the meals and is guilt-tripping me for lying, but I really think I was making an honest effort to help."
"I feel bad for yelling at my mom but I dunno, was I really such an a**hole for lying about the vegetables?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some indicated questions the OP's sister needed to ask her doctor, based on her symptoms.
"I was about to mention hypothyroid and PCOS."
"I had very similar issues as her regarding weight gain, hair loss, and high blood sugar and cholesterol levels, and nothing helped until I got blood tests that showed I had both PCOS and hypothyroid. I went on meds, and my blood sugar and cholesterol levels went back to normal, my weight started plummeting back down to normal, and my energy levels went way up."
"(And energy levels are a huge factor in this; these disorders can trigger depression, and also a constant feeling of exhaustion that is an absolute b***h, and can make keeping up with a diet and exercise plan incredibly, incredibly difficult, so I would hold off on jumping to the conclusion that she's just being lazy and surly.)"
"(And for the final insult to injury, the slowed metabolism plus hormone and insulin imbalances caused by PCOS and/or hypothyroid can make it virtually impossible to lose weight)."
"As for the avoiding fruits and veggies thing, that honestly sounds like way more than just being a fussy eater, and might be linked to a psychological issue. I'd honestly recommend she seek out a therapist." - GamersReisUp
"I have hypothyroidism and PCOS (usually related to insulin resistance and weight gain. For some odd reason, I have neither, though that's pretty rare)."
"It was at its worst when I was 16, since that's about when I went through puberty and the shifting hormones made everything so much more drastic. I was constantly exhausted, would need to take three naps a day just to feel functional, and any form of exercising (even just walking around the backyard to feed the horses and dogs) left me out of breath and miserable."
"OP, if there's any chance it's her thyroid, sneaking her veggies won't help. She needs medication."
"I now take a tiny pill each morning and my thyroid levels are exactly where they should be. It doesn't help the PCOS though. Metformin can. Metformin helped to balance my hormones, unfortunately, I had to stop taking it because I had a reaction to it."
"Metformin isn't just for diabetes, and in some cases of PCOS (like mine), a dietary change won't 'fix' the problem. If you really want to help her, get her to go to a doctor and have a blood workup done. I wasn't able to until I was 19, and I resent all those years I spent needlessly suffering." - DreadfullyBIzzy
"Ask about PCOS and Cushing's also. They both can cause weight gain, hormonal imbalances, and insulin resistance. They can also have an effect on mental health and cause physical pain."
"The not eating veggie issue definitely needs to be addressed regardless but physical issues need to be addressed for there to be a chance of losing weight also."
"PCOS makes it notoriously hard to shed weight even if you're doing everything right." - TheDoorInTheDark
"Tricking her into eating fruits and veggies isn't going to actually help her down the road. In fact, if it is helping her, when she is no longer being provided sneaky meals, she will continue to eat what she thinks she was eating and then become worse."
"It was well-intended but poorly thought out. Your family sucks for obvious reasons that don't really need explaining. They need therapy."
"Healthy food for thought, though: not only would your mother have to confront her own eating to make progress, but she would also have to come to terms with the health situation of the family close to her afflicted by the same disease. That's heavy s**t. No progress will be made by one well-intentioned family member here." - mundanemama
Others said the OP was wrong for being misleading about the food their sister was eating.
"Look up an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant and Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). It sounds a lot like your sister has it. I have it too and if a food that isn't on my safe list is put in my food, I will throw it up as soon as I realize it is there."
"We are talking about an eating disorder in that psychology makes the brain equate foods that are not on the safe list with toxic or rotted. Basically, if you eat it, you will be sick, or even die."
"The stress will make you feel sick, which reinforces the psychological condition. Get her checked for ARFID with a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders."
"YTA, lying about what you put in someone's food will destroy trust. You have good intentions but terrible execution." - Desert_Fairy
"YTA. Yes, your sister has serious health problems. But she is almost an adult on her own, and you are not her parent. I don't understand why you are acting like she's five and you are her mommy."
"I have a sister who is 2 years older than me, and if she was trying to force her way into medical appointments with me, trying to control what I ate (even if I was overweight), trying to force me into exercise classes, I would resent it to the point where once I was able to move out of the house, I would go no contact with her."
"That's the road you are heading down if you don't stop trying to parent someone who is going to be an adult (i.e. your PEER, not your CHILD) in two short years."
"Let me put it another way. Imagine if instead of being a sibling you were a boyfriend, and this was posted in the "Relationships" subReddit by your sister, and she wrote that her boyfriend controls what she eats, preps her food and she found out he's been lying to her about what is in it, he demands to be involved in her doctor's appointments, and tries to force her to exercise."
"Even if she was overweight, everyone would respond by saying there are red flags everywhere, her boyfriend is clearly abusive, and she can lose 160 pounds immediately by dumping his a**." - ductoid
"YTA. It sounds like your sister might have PCOS since that can cause pretty much all of the problems you mention especially hair loss. If she does, then she needs to see a doctor and get an official diet plan. All the veggies in the world won't help if it's her own body turning against her."
"She needs understanding and a medical assessment, not body shaming and lies about food." - CathrinFelinal
"I know you meant well, but YTA. Unless she has some sort of developmental disability, at 16, your sister is more than old enough to decide what she is eating."
"Your mother is right, it is unethical to feed your sister things that she does not want to eat by sneaking them into her food."
"I assure you that she is 100% aware of her size, and unless and until she decides that is something she wants to change, it isn't going to change."
"Long-term, you might want to consider the fact that if or when your sister figures out what's going on, she's going to lose trust in you." - Shandrith
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update:
"I really didn't expect my post would blow up like this. I just want to emphasize that I'm not a nutritionist or a doctor, I just listen to what the doctor + nutritionist says during the monthly checkups and take that as fact, so thank you so much for pointing several things out. I will try to be more self-informed in the future."
"I've taken note of her possibly having ARFID (Avoidant and Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), thyroid problems, or PCOS and will try to get my mom to get her to a therapist as well as a doctor, thanks very much for bringing these up."
"Also, my mom is really hard-headed but she's still trying, I feel bad that I've made such a horrible impression of her. She has type 1 diabetes that she has to manage on top of her job and taking care of us 2 kids so please don't say she's terrible."
"Also, everyone asking me for my recipes can check my comments, I made a comment on this post detailing how I did the cheese sauce and stuff. Thank you very much for your suggestions, I really appreciate them."
While the subReddit could understand that the OP had good intentions and was trying to help their sister, they could not agree on the methods by which they had tried to help.
On the one hand, most of us could use a few more servings of vegetables in our diet each week. But on the other hand, lying to someone about what they are eating is fundamentally terrible, especially where a food allergy, a psychological disorder like ARFID, or an autoimmune disorder is concerned.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp