Family ties can strangle.
Not all family is going to be kind to one another.
That truth can be hard to face.
Redditor u/EdieLoveProfile wanted to share her experience and get feedback, so she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA if I don’t tell my brother our dad died?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I, 47 F[emale], have a brother, 49."
"We have always been semi-close until a few years ago."
"When we were younger, I got a job, moved out, and started my life."
"He had a work-from-home job and, for the most part, lived off our parents."
"He spent his money on his hobbies."
"He met a woman who made him grow up, and he moved in with her and lived off her."
"While living with her, our dad got very sick, died twice after a bad medical procedure (he was thankfully brought back), and eventually came home after being told there was nothing that could be done."
"I moved in with my parents to help out."
"The ONE time he came to visit, he said some really crappy things about our dad."
"Although he had always been my mom’s golden child, my mom told him to leave."
"In the next three years, he reached out to my dad four times (two birthdays, two Father’s Days)."
"I spoke to my brother last month on my dad’s birthday and told him our dad broke his hip and was not doing well."
"I explained that we were shocked when he was still with us every morning."
"He tried to tell me how hard his life is, working and paying bills."
"And that because of that, he is too busy to keep in touch."
"Dad passed away this morning."
"My mom doesn’t want him to be told because he didn’t care when Dad was sick and said vile things about him."
The OP was left to wonder:
"But WIBTA if I don’t tell him?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"I think he should be told. Not because he necessarily deserves the opportunity, but because it’s your dad’s death and he is still his son."
"You don’t have to convince him to attend, forgive him, or comfort him afterward."
"Just give him the information and let him decide what he does with it."
"That way, you won’t have to wonder later whether you should have told him." ~ RepulsiveDisplay5827
"Don’t go against your mom’s wishes without her knowledge."
"Talk to her first."
"She’s grieving right now, but you can tell her that her son should at least know."
"There’s no funeral for him to crash, so it’s just information."
"But what did he say to make her throw him out?"
"That’s important."
"If he said he wished his dad was dead already, of course your mom would be upset."
"And if he said anything about the will or his inheritance, that’s another reason she doesn’t want him told."
"Even if she gets everything, it would have hurt her."
"Redditors who say absolutely tell him don’t know the circumstances, so don’t tell him without telling her first; otherwise, she will have a problem with you." ~ Malibucat48
"First, my condolences on your loss."
"Second, you’re NTA for feeling conflicted about telling your brother, but I think you should let him know and leave him to sit with it."
"But I do have a few questions."
"Did your brother and dad have a great or good relationship growing up?"
"And you say you moved out and your brother stayed at home with your folks."
"Were you constantly in contact with your brother during the time you were in your own?"
"I ask because is there a possibility that you don’t really know the relationship that developed between your dad and brother after you left?"
"Sometimes when people make such abrupt changes, or start acting with indifference, it’s because something happened."
"But if you’re sure nothing happened or was said to your brother by your dad to make him act with such carelessness, then, like I said, quickly tell him and let him sit with and deal with his own regret."
"Either way, send him a quick text and be done with it."
"You can’t forget about your own grief either."
"I wish you all peace." ~ Rose_Plum
"YTA. He should know that his father is gone."
"It doesn't matter what his relationship is like with you and your mother."
"It also doesn't matter that he said some 'really crappy' things about your father."
"People say terrible things sometimes."
"Can you imagine being robbed of knowing your father passed away just because you weren't your best self in one moment?"
"I do think you're being really judgmental about his reasons for not being up to show up for your father, by the way." ~ glutenisnotmyfriend
"YTA; you should tell him, you are both adults and it is his dad also."
"It is not clear why the bad relationship from your post."
"You mention he was your mum’s golden child."
"Was your dad a good dad?"
"Did your parents promote a dynamic of competition between the siblings?"
"We would need to know the whole picture to judge, as perhaps your brother was simply protecting his feelings." ~ Comfortable-Class576
"YWBTA, and your mom too."
"Immediate family should always receive at least a text regardless."
"If you guys don’t want to communicate with him, don’t call, but tell him something."
"My dad and I are almost 0 contact, but I still expect to receive a text from someone when he goes. "
"Just like I got one when he almost lost his leg a few years back."
"He may be an a-hole, but he’s still my dad-and I’d like the opportunity to grieve him and our relationship like his other children and everyone else." ~ Particular_Fruit_585
"YWBTA."
"It's still his dad."
"He has the right to know he passed away."
"And as bad as things are now, he will find out another way if not from you."
"Obituaries are public record."
"Plenty of other ways to find out someone has died, like social media, texts from local friends, etc."
"And if he's listed as a beneficiary of your dad's life insurance or in the will, he WILL be told."
"It's just going to make things a lot worse between you all for no real reason if you're not the one to tell him."
"What he does with that information is up to him. "
"If he wants to be the as*hole after that, it's all on him." ~ Sith_Lord_Onyx
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"You and Mom are in the throes of grief now."
"Don't do bitter things that you might regret later."
"I understand the temptation not to tell him, but that is stooping down to his level of morality."
"You (and Mom) are much better people than that."
"Give Bro a call, preferably timed for when he's not home so you can leave a message."
"'Hi Bro. Your father passed two days ago. I thought you should know. Goodbye.'"
"If he happens to answer, just say the above and add 'I can't talk right now.'"
"And hang up."
"Do not engage."
"Don't pick up calls from him."
"You have nothing more to say to him after all."
"You asked for judgment, so I have to put something."
"Of course your brother sucks, but he still deserves notification."
"Soft YTA." ~ MistySky1999
OP returned to chat.
"I would like to thank everyone who commented civilly."
"No matter your opinion on this matter."
"I have read most comments (and even those where my post was reposted), and I see where you are coming from."
"I really don’t understand the people who attacked me, but that is to be expected when you post on here."
"I am not going to try to defend myself, or my actions, as I know that I can’t change how others feel."
"I truly hope you never are in my situation, and I am very sorry for those who have been in this situation."
"I fear his response; I fear he won’t care at all."
"And that would further crush me."
"Some have commented that this is selfish; maybe it is."
"But protecting myself at this point is important, as I am caring for my mom and everything else here."
"I would like to say that I have been mulling over this issue for months."
"I always talked to my dad about big things like this."
"He had told me he didn’t care if/when I told those who didn’t care to visit, call, or check on him."
"Some are going to say my brother DID check on him."
"However, he spoke with my dad last month, and dad could barely talk."
"I spoke with him afterwards and explained how bad things have gotten."
"I have not heard from him since."
"He never tried contacting my dad again."
"I had told him that Dad had good days, too, and could talk for a couple of minutes. "
"He responded, 'Ok.'"
"Then told me how he is too busy to drop by, check in, or do anything."
"I do love my brother, but it is very difficult to like him."
"And to the people telling me it should have been me who died, I wish it was."
"I would have happily given up the remainder of my life for my dad to continue his."
"I wish all of you a wonderful rest of your year."
"I hope you have the best holidays."
So sorry for your loss, OP.
This is a terrible situation.
There seems to be no answer that will make everyone feel better.
Try not to let the grief swallow you.
