Many say sex is meant to be fun.
Especially when you're young and in a new relationship.
It's also supposed to stay fun with age.
But that fun can take work.
For some, that fun is loud and boisterous.
So loud that it can make others feel uncomfortable.
That's a fun conversation to have with strangers.
"Can you please turn down your acrobatic lovemaking?"
Case in point...
Redditor Throwrayyy111 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for complaining about the couple in the hotel room next door?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 38 F[emale] am on vacation in Europe with my husband 41M[ale]."
"We have been together for 14 years and this is our first trip without our kids."
"Part of the reason we have taken this trip is to 'rekindle the relationship.'"
"This is a two-week trip and we are on day 9, for context, we have had sex once."
"We were both drunk, and I think we both forced it a bit."
"We get on great as people, but our sex life has been an issue since we had children."
"This has only gotten worse since last year my husband told me he 'loves me but doesn't find me attractive sexually anymore,' which was upsetting and hurtful as in the past three years I have gained over 100lbs."
"We are staying in an amazing 5-star resort. The hotel rooms have their own small pool and terrace to sit out on."
"Since we arrived, my husband has found issues with nearly everything, the hotel, the staff, the food, and the other guests."
"Five days ago in the room next door, a young British couple took the room."
"For context, they are both very attractive."
"if I found out they were Instagram models or something I would not be shocked."
"The issue is each room shares a wall with another room, and we share a room and a lower balcony where we can see the terrace with this couple."
"Since they have arrived, we have heard them having sex more or less twice a day."
"In addition, when they are sitting on the terrace, they are kissing and all over each other. In addition, the woman next door is sunbathing topless."
"I know we are in Europe, and that's the norm, but I find it hard to get used to."
"My husband quickly befriended them over the balcony, and truthfully I think lusting over the woman next door."
"Who, I think, was oblivious to this."
"I have also spoken to them both, and they seem nice."
"After being woken in the middle of the night two nights ago to the sound of them having sex, and again that morning; I went and asked the concierge if they could ask them to keep it down."
"Obviously, having been told something, last night the man next door angrily told my husband if he had an issue, he should have said something directly."
"My husband did not know I had reported it, and we then argued all yesterday evening."
"My husband called me ridiculous and a prude and that if I were 'more carefree,' we wouldn't have any issues."
"I also brought up his obvious liking of the woman next door, and he angrily said, 'Why wouldn't I? She is young, thin, and hot' which was an obvious dig of what I am not."
"He then angrily walked around the hotel room before going to sleep in silence."
"This morning, I woke up to a text that he had gone to hike up a hill/mountain."
"This takes all day, and we had decided earlier in the trip we wouldn't do it."
"Since he returned, we have hardly spoken, and we were supposed to go out for dinner, but he has suggested we just order room service."
"Looking for a bit of context if complaining about the couple next door was as bad as he is making out."
"AITA for complaining about the couple next door? Or is he the **shole for leaving me in the hotel all day on vacation?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA OP, I know you're hoping we'll judge you vs. your husband, but that's not the thing that's ultimately at the core of the 'AITA' judgment."
"You took out your insecurities and dissatisfaction with your vacation on a couple on their own vacation."
"You could've talked with them directly since there clearly was some communication if your issue was actually with them."
"Instead, you were mad at your husband and decided that SOMEONE needed to be punished. Why not the people triggering your insecurity?"
"Yes, your husband is an a**hole, and you need to work that out with him- but you don't need to take out your pettiness on bystanders." ~ Baileythenerd
"Yes, and I feel so terrible for her."
"After having my kids and battling severe depression, I put on about the same amount of weight as OP."
"My husband still touches me, talks about me, gushes over me, and wants to have sex with me now as he did a decade ago."
"I'm not winning any beauty pageants, but we are in love."
"He makes me feel beautiful every day, even when I don't see it in myself."
"I feel so sad for OP that her husband does not."
"The one person he promised to love and cherish for the rest of their lives, in sickness and health, and from her post, he makes her feel like s**t."
"He's not concerned about her health."
"He's concerned about his sexual gratification."
"My husband and I have hard conversations about health, and now that I finally have insurance, I can go to some doctors, but I never once doubted his dedication or attraction to me."
"I just feel awful for OP. I wish someone loved her and made her feel beautiful."
"Maybe she should go find them." ~ coatisabrownishcolor
"Husband here on the other side."
"My wife is beautiful, put on 75-100 pounds, and no longer finds herself attractive."
"Nothing I say or do relieves this insecurity."
"My daughter is four, and we've been intimate less than 20 times total in the four years since."
"Our marriage is effectively destroyed. Only a question of how long I can hang on."
"To go back to OP's situation, I feel like she's the pillow princess here."
"She mentions sex is forced. Someone is topless, etc."
"just feels kind of prudish, and I guarantee hearing others have sex is only a reminder to him of what he doesn't have." ~ bmathey
"She doesn't say whether she misses sex or not."
"I think the other couple is a reminder to herself about their lack."
"I'm guessing that this vacation, without children, she imagined was supposed to be a long 'romantic getaway' but still hasn't become one."
"Sounds like she has put the children/family ahead of their relationship over the years or between them."
"I also wonder what happened 3-4 years ago that caused her to gain all that weight?" ~ pisspot718
"I have a feeling this is more about herself."
"If you don't feel sexy, you don't want to have sex."
"While I am not condoning OPs husbands actions, she does have a responsibility to take here."
"She is 38 years old."
"That is still pretty young."
"They should still be an active and sexually active couple."
"While he should love her regardless, love and attraction do not always go hand in hand."
"Her husband is an AH for how he treated her, but he's not an AH for not being attracted to her."
"She has said nothing about doing anything to help those insecurities, and that's not his fault; it's hers."
"100 lbs is very significant."
"And no matter what else is going on, she clearly doesn't feel good about herself." ~ Arlaneutique
"Thank you for pointing out that her health needs to be a priority."
"OP, I'm torn between ESH and YTA, but it's the latter for the transference."
"Your husband should be more supportive. That said, you hopefully can admit to yourself that a person can have a very difficult time trying to control what they're attracted to sexually."
"It may take your husband some time to adjust, and that's assuming he can at all."
"He's handling it with all the maturity of a 13-year-old."
"But at the end of the day, you're both still only human and prone to hamhatesque decisions."
"I hope you can find a better way forward for both of you." ~ CatecaenDamnation
"We agree, YTA."
"Your husband is also TA."
"The couple are innocent victims, and the way you behaved towards them and reported them is as much of a bad look as the way hubby spoke to you when he got angry at you." ~ PrissyBarbie
OP came back with an Update...
"Thank you all for the comments."
"This wasn't a post about my weight or how attractive I have become (or not)."
"For the sake of clarity, I have gained 100 lbs since I got pregnant in 2019, around 50 lbs during pregnancy."
"I was unwell and on bed rest."
"The rest of the weight is from having three young children, a pandemic, and working from home."
"I am working on losing it."
"To be clear, my husband has also gained around 60 lbs - which I am sure is not relevant but seemed important given some of the comments."
"I understand. Maybe it was an AH thing to report them to the desk."
"I am not going to reply to any other comments, just as a lot of the response appears to be weight related, which was never my original intention."
"Thanks again for the comments."
Well, OP, Reddit has some issues and deep concerns about this situation.
In the end, tattling on your neighbors isn't the problem.
Yes, you could've spoken to them directly, but they'll get over it.
It sounds like you and the hubby need some serious help.
When you get home, maybe it's time for some family therapy.
You're both struggling with a lot.
Hopefully, once you're communicating better, the next vacation will be more successful.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp