Most of us at one point or another have lost or gained a little weight, and we might have felt a little insecure about how our bodies looked with the change.
If we had a romantic partner at the time, we might have even hoped that they wouldn't notice, or that they at least liked what they saw, sympathized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor HubbyProblem2 had noticed that her husband was still very healthy but had gained a little weight recently.
When he broached the subject with her, the Original Poster (OP) attempted to reassure him that she liked his new look, but he ended up feeling more insecure about the fact that she noticed, rather than was still attracted to him.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the A**hole for telling my husband that I like the way he looks now?"
The OP and her husband were both very healthy and fit people.
"I (30 Female) have always been into staying fit and working out, it's just my hobby."
"My husband (31 Male) was super into that when we got married and when we dated."
But the OP did not mind when her husband started gaining weight.
"He was super built, which I loved, but ever since kids and a desk job, he has put on a big beer belly (he used to weigh 180 and now weighs 250)."
"But here's the thing: I don't hate it. I love it. It's comfy and warm, and I like having a little more to grab on to."
"He's still handsome and still has really big, muscular arms; he just has a belly and butt, which I'm into."
When her husband brought up his concerns, she didn't respond the most eloquently.
"But basically last night, he said he felt bad that he's heavy and I'm skinny (120 average)."
"Long story short, I told him I'm 'into bigger bellies.'"
"Now I realize that sounds mean, but I didn't mean it like that. I was tired."
"But he got mad and is still hurt, so how should I apologize?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood what the OP was trying to say, so they rated her NTA, but they otherwise felt that she could have phrased her reassurances better.
"NTA, but I feel like saying, 'I love your body how it is now; I find you incredibly attractive,' is way better than, 'I like your big belly.' Focus on the attractiveness, not the size." - Eastern-Scallion-226
"Just playfully tell him, 'You are still hot, and I still want to jump you! ...But if you're concerned about health, let me know!'" - Lcdmt3
"Soft YTA. I know you didn't mean harm, but you caused harm. If I were you, I'd apologize for my wording."
"Something like, I love your body because it's you. The details don't really matter much; I was just wording it poorly. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings about your body. How can I be supportive of you right now?'" - Elegant_Anywhere_150
"You intended well, but you worded it poorly. That doesn't make you an a**hole, just someone who articulated your feelings in an accidentally offensive way. It's a very common mistake in friendly and romantic relationships."
"Just lay your truthful feelings on the floor. It's hard to be mad at well-intentioned mistakes." - doesntmeanathing
"Soft YTA. Poor choice of words. You could have said you found his dad-bod attractive instead of talking about big bellies. I doubt you meant any harm from it, but basically telling him he has a big belly after he said he didn't like his weight is more id**tic than anything." - arablink
But others simply felt that honesty was the best policy.
"Here's my take on all of this, and it's not the one that the majority of people prefer, as it requires honesty from both sides and with yourself."
"First, you always have to be honest with yourself, and any person whose body shape or appearance has changed, they absolutely know that unless they don't own a mirror or they are actually blind. If you don't like it, then change it."
"And if you don't like it, don't say something expecting your significant other to lie to you or act as if they also haven't noticed whether or not they say that they do or don't prefer the current state of said body. It's obvious the man was feeling a little insecure and was looking for some reassurance that his wife still found him attractive, which she 100% gave him."
"In fact, she told him she was more attracted to him now than the level of attraction she always had. If he's going to pout about the mentioning of his bigger belly when all parties involved know that, yes, it is indeed bigger than it was before, then he needs to grow up and not go fishing for comments like that."
"If he's unhappy with his look, then he should just get back into working out and eating better in a way to make himself look the way he wants. If his biggest concern is whether or not his wife has lost attraction to him because of his current appearance, then he should have been nothing but happy with what she said."
"One of the most ridiculous things to me is adults who cannot be honest with themselves and accept any and all truths about themselves while only expecting others to lie to them by telling what they want to hear instead of what the truth is." - Evening_Ad6180
"YTA. 'I am super attracted to you, always have been, but if you don't feel good, I'm here to support you,' would have been so much clearer and kinder." - SQ_Madriel
"If he could stop being weird about his weight gain, he could hear that she finds his belly and cakes hot. Instead, he just heard, 'You have a fat belly,' but what she said was, 'That belly of yours is hot.'"
"She meant exactly what she said; he just didn't like hearing her agree that his belly is, in fact, bigger. Which is ridiculous because he brought it up and then, I guess, was expecting her to lie, and then started to pout when she didn't. But nonetheless her acknowledgment of it was still a compliment."
"Unless he doesn't look in a mirror ever or is actually blind, he is aware of his bigger belly, and so is everyone else who sees him on a regular basis. What people are attracted to or find sexy in who they're attracted to can't be helped."
"She told her husband, clearly she's already and always has been attracted to, that she is now more attracted to him."
"Now, granted, I know that gray hair and body fat levels are different because one is able to be changed and is a choice (most of the time) where the other is a natural change that can be artificially altered, but in regards to women finding it attractive a lot of women think gray hair is sexy where for most men it's their biggest nightmare to have gray hair." - Affectionate_Ask_769
"I don't think you were being an a**hole, but as someone in a bigger body, I will say there are ways people who are attracted to me speak about my body that make me feel attractive and ways that make me feel fetishized."
"Personally, when I feel fetishized, I feel insecure, not hot. I want my partners to touch my belly, but I don't want them to focus on it. I want to know that they are attracted to me but not solely because I am fat." - do_or_dee
"Once a family member (in a joking, light-hearted way) asked my husband to rate me or our relationship out of ten. He thought about it and, then if I remember right, said eight."
"I was pleased, but his family was like, '…You're not gonna say 'ten'?"
"LOL, I know myself too well, I am a very caring, loyal, observant partner, but I'm sure as s**t no TEN."
"I felt way more seen, loved, accepted, and understood because he stopped to consider me as a whole person, think about my strengths and flaws, and gave an actual answer. And he is no bulls**tter; he is so incredibly straight-forward."
"If he barely glanced up from his phone to say ten, I'd know he didn't sincerely consider his thoughts and feelings before answering, which doesn't reassure me and will only make me feel annoying if I bring it up again, since I know he didn't really answer."
"It takes work and understanding and self-assurance to get to this place, but I hope that the OP and her husband can get there." - DeezMixedDucks
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update, apologizing to her husband.
"I just told him that I didn't mean it like that and that whether he wants to keep his dad bod or lose it, I always will find him extremely attractive (true), and that I'm sorry."
"He said he feels better about it now and that he just felt a little hurt. But he also said he feels a lilttle more confident now that I expressed my emotions."
"He's gonna lose a few pounds but has also gotten back to flirting with me, which is a bonus."
Our bodies naturally change with age and lifestyle changes, like having kids and taking on a desk job that mostly requires sitting, and it's normal for us to wonder how our changing physique could impact other things.
Fortunately for this pair, it seems all is well, and whether her husband wants to lose the weight or stay the way he is, the OP will be happy to support him and love him for who he is.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.