Most of us at one point or another have lost or gained a little weight, and we might have felt a little insecure about how our bodies looked with the change.
If we had a romantic partner at the time, we might have even hoped that they wouldn’t notice, or that they at least liked what they saw, sympathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor HubbyProblem2 had noticed that her husband was still very healthy but had gained a little weight recently.
When he broached the subject with her, the Original Poster (OP) attempted to reassure him that she liked his new look, but he ended up feeling more insecure about the fact that she noticed, rather than was still attracted to him.
She asked the sub:
“Am I the A**hole for telling my husband that I like the way he looks now?”
The OP and her husband were both very healthy and fit people.
“I (30 Female) have always been into staying fit and working out, it’s just my hobby.”
“My husband (31 Male) was super into that when we got married and when we dated.”
But the OP did not mind when her husband started gaining weight.
“He was super built, which I loved, but ever since kids and a desk job, he has put on a big beer belly (he used to weigh 180 and now weighs 250).”
“But here’s the thing: I don’t hate it. I love it. It’s comfy and warm, and I like having a little more to grab on to.”
“He’s still handsome and still has really big, muscular arms; he just has a belly and butt, which I’m into.”
When her husband brought up his concerns, she didn’t respond the most eloquently.Â
“But basically last night, he said he felt bad that he’s heavy and I’m skinny (120 average).”
“Long story short, I told him I’m ‘into bigger bellies.'”
“Now I realize that sounds mean, but I didn’t mean it like that. I was tired.”
“But he got mad and is still hurt, so how should I apologize?”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood what the OP was trying to say, so they rated her NTA, but they otherwise felt that she could have phrased her reassurances better.
“NTA, but I feel like saying, ‘I love your body how it is now; I find you incredibly attractive,’ is way better than, ‘I like your big belly.’ Focus on the attractiveness, not the size.” – Eastern-Scallion-226
“Just playfully tell him, ‘You are still hot, and I still want to jump you! …But if you’re concerned about health, let me know!'” – Lcdmt3
“Soft YTA. I know you didn’t mean harm, but you caused harm. If I were you, I’d apologize for my wording.”
“Something like, I love your body because it’s you. The details don’t really matter much; I was just wording it poorly. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings about your body. How can I be supportive of you right now?'” – Elegant_Anywhere_150
“You intended well, but you worded it poorly. That doesn’t make you an a**hole, just someone who articulated your feelings in an accidentally offensive way. It’s a very common mistake in friendly and romantic relationships.”
“Just lay your truthful feelings on the floor. It’s hard to be mad at well-intentioned mistakes.” – doesntmeanathing
“Soft YTA. Poor choice of words. You could have said you found his dad-bod attractive instead of talking about big bellies. I doubt you meant any harm from it, but basically telling him he has a big belly after he said he didn’t like his weight is more id**tic than anything.” – arablink
But others simply felt that honesty was the best policy.
“Here’s my take on all of this, and it’s not the one that the majority of people prefer, as it requires honesty from both sides and with yourself.”
“First, you always have to be honest with yourself, and any person whose body shape or appearance has changed, they absolutely know that unless they don’t own a mirror or they are actually blind. If you don’t like it, then change it.”
“And if you don’t like it, don’t say something expecting your significant other to lie to you or act as if they also haven’t noticed whether or not they say that they do or don’t prefer the current state of said body. It’s obvious the man was feeling a little insecure and was looking for some reassurance that his wife still found him attractive, which she 100% gave him.”
“In fact, she told him she was more attracted to him now than the level of attraction she always had. If he’s going to pout about the mentioning of his bigger belly when all parties involved know that, yes, it is indeed bigger than it was before, then he needs to grow up and not go fishing for comments like that.”
“If he’s unhappy with his look, then he should just get back into working out and eating better in a way to make himself look the way he wants. If his biggest concern is whether or not his wife has lost attraction to him because of his current appearance, then he should have been nothing but happy with what she said.”
“One of the most ridiculous things to me is adults who cannot be honest with themselves and accept any and all truths about themselves while only expecting others to lie to them by telling what they want to hear instead of what the truth is.” – Evening_Ad6180
“YTA. ‘I am super attracted to you, always have been, but if you don’t feel good, I’m here to support you,’ would have been so much clearer and kinder.” – SQ_Madriel
“If he could stop being weird about his weight gain, he could hear that she finds his belly and cakes hot. Instead, he just heard, ‘You have a fat belly,’ but what she said was, ‘That belly of yours is hot.'”
“She meant exactly what she said; he just didn’t like hearing her agree that his belly is, in fact, bigger. Which is ridiculous because he brought it up and then, I guess, was expecting her to lie, and then started to pout when she didn’t. But nonetheless her acknowledgment of it was still a compliment.”
“Unless he doesn’t look in a mirror ever or is actually blind, he is aware of his bigger belly, and so is everyone else who sees him on a regular basis. What people are attracted to or find sexy in who they’re attracted to can’t be helped.”
“She told her husband, clearly she’s already and always has been attracted to, that she is now more attracted to him.”
“Now, granted, I know that gray hair and body fat levels are different because one is able to be changed and is a choice (most of the time) where the other is a natural change that can be artificially altered, but in regards to women finding it attractive a lot of women think gray hair is sexy where for most men it’s their biggest nightmare to have gray hair.” – Affectionate_Ask_769
“I don’t think you were being an a**hole, but as someone in a bigger body, I will say there are ways people who are attracted to me speak about my body that make me feel attractive and ways that make me feel fetishized.”
“Personally, when I feel fetishized, I feel insecure, not hot. I want my partners to touch my belly, but I don’t want them to focus on it. I want to know that they are attracted to me but not solely because I am fat.” – do_or_dee
“Once a family member (in a joking, light-hearted way) asked my husband to rate me or our relationship out of ten. He thought about it and, then if I remember right, said eight.”
“I was pleased, but his family was like, ‘…You’re not gonna say ‘ten’?”
“LOL, I know myself too well, I am a very caring, loyal, observant partner, but I’m sure as s**t no TEN.”
“I felt way more seen, loved, accepted, and understood because he stopped to consider me as a whole person, think about my strengths and flaws, and gave an actual answer. And he is no bulls**tter; he is so incredibly straight-forward.”
“If he barely glanced up from his phone to say ten, I’d know he didn’t sincerely consider his thoughts and feelings before answering, which doesn’t reassure me and will only make me feel annoying if I bring it up again, since I know he didn’t really answer.”
“It takes work and understanding and self-assurance to get to this place, but I hope that the OP and her husband can get there.” – DeezMixedDucks
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update, apologizing to her husband.
“I just told him that I didn’t mean it like that and that whether he wants to keep his dad bod or lose it, I always will find him extremely attractive (true), and that I’m sorry.”
“He said he feels better about it now and that he just felt a little hurt. But he also said he feels a lilttle more confident now that I expressed my emotions.”
“He’s gonna lose a few pounds but has also gotten back to flirting with me, which is a bonus.”
Our bodies naturally change with age and lifestyle changes, like having kids and taking on a desk job that mostly requires sitting, and it’s normal for us to wonder how our changing physique could impact other things.
Fortunately for this pair, it seems all is well, and whether her husband wants to lose the weight or stay the way he is, the OP will be happy to support him and love him for who he is.