When our birthday comes around, it’s personally reasonable to want one specific gift.
With this in mind, we might lay hints to our loved ones, both subtle and not, in hopes of getting these gifts.
If we are not given these specific gifts, we have the right to be disappointed, but should still be grateful for what we were given.
But what if we were gifted something we blatantly said we didn’t want?
Redditor wolvster’s husband had given him the same present for the past several birthdays.
Despite the original poster (OP) specifically telling him not to.
When the OP confronted his husband about this, he was deemed “ungrateful.”
Wondering if this was actually the case, the OP took to the subreddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA by telling my spouse what I don’t want to receive on my birthday?”
The OP explained why they felt the need to confront their husband about their presents:
“My (40ish M[ale]) birthday is coming up.”
“My spouse (50ish M[ale])has a habit of surprising me with something on my birthday, which is nice of course!”
“But, in the past years, he has gifted me board games and statues of my favorite comic book character, while I explicitly told him I do not want either of those things.”
“Reasons: we have plenty of games we still have to play, and we’re running out of space to display the figurines.”
“Last year, he gifted me a figurine anyway.”
“It was a nice figurine and I liked it, however I also told him I’d rather had gotten something else instead.”
“Today he asked me what I thought about a specific board game he thinks I will like to get for my birthday.”
“I told him I don’t want it. It’s a board game I’m not interested in, and I just don’t want any more board games.”
“He’s angry now and calling me very ungrateful and impossible to find gifts for.”
“He’s done with this sh*t.”
“He told me I should just make a ‘groceries list’ with stuff I want then (I do have a wishlist, by the way).”
“So AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community took the side of the OP and agreed he was not the a**hole for telling his husband what he didn’t want for his birthday.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s husband seemed to be buying presents that he, not the OP wanted, with many wondering how healthy the OP’s relationship actually was based on his husband’s reaction:
“NTA.”
“Your partner asked if you’d like a specific board game for your birthday and you said no.”
“Why did he bother to ask if he was going to flip his lid if you didn’t want it?”
“It sounds like they’re in a ‘gift rut’.”
“When the dust settles, suggest other things you’re interested in to give him a little direction.”-quincebush
“NTA.”
“‘He’s done with this sh*t’.”
“Your man sounds like he needs a new diaper because he’s a small child.”
“Very immature.”
“He’s just buying this stuff for himself and using your birthday as an excuse.”
“That’s why he’s so mad, because he’s not actually thinking about you.”- dancing_avocado
“NTA.”
“Gifting is about getting something the other person wants.”
“It’s not about the person giving the gift.”
“It doesn’t matter what he thinks about the gift.”
“All that matters is what you want (and that it’s legal/affordable lol).”
“I have this debate with myself when getting my kids stuff too.”
“They always want tat. I do not want a house full of tat.”
“However, it is their birthday and it’s within budget so they get their tat.”
“There’s stuff I won’t buy on principle but the overpriced Disney dresses, the Jellycat bunnies that have to be the correct brand.. we have it all.”- Ivetafox
“Sounds like Homer’s Bowling ball.”
“I mean Marge’s.”
“Same scenario.”
“NTA.”- TheSciFiGuy80
“NTA.”
“Because you told him you don’t want 1 thing you’re difficult to shop for?”
“More like he doesn’t want to make the effort to give you an actual gift.”- passionfruit0
“NTA.”
“Since you DO have a wishlist, he’s either forgotten or he just wants to buy things that HE also wants.”- ShinyAppleScoop
“NTA.”
“Sounds like he’s uninterested in getting you something you actually want.”- International-Fee255
“‘He’s angry now and calling me very ungrateful and impossible to find gifts for. […] (I do have a wishlist, by the way)’.”
“If you have a wish list, you are not complicated to buy gifts for.”
“He is saying “I spent a lot of time on something I thought would make you happy, I want to give you what I spent energy on, even if it’s not what you want’, meaning gift giving (to him) is more about the intentions of the gift giver than about giving the giftee what they might want.”
“Normally, it’s something that a conversation would fix.”
“But he seems unable to regulate his emotions and he went straight to throwing tantrums.”
“So it might take a while to get him ready to a convo.”
“And because his reaction was to retract within himself instead of listening to you, I’d say NTA.”-ChibiSailorMercury
“NTA.”
“I’d say to him ‘you asked me a question and I gave you my response’.”
“You have have a different opinion but you don’t get to be angry just because I have a different view’.”- ConclusionUnusual320
“So… he’s buying you gifts that he would like for himself?”
“NTA.”- Plugged_in_Baby
“NTA.”
“It’s supposed to be the ‘thought that matters,’ but it sounds like your spouse is putting zero effort into getting you a gift.”
“He keeps falling back onto old patterns even though you’ve explicitly asked him not to.”
“My sister spent about 5 years getting me Harry Potter-themed gifts.”
“I enjoy Harry Potter, but it’s not my identity . . . I did tell her I was all HP’ed out after last Christmas and she listened.”- Visual-Lobster6625
“NTA.”
“Ever since I was a kid, I’ve made wish lists for holidays and birthdays.”
“In my family, it was just expected (and we got nagged and scolded if we didn’t get a long one done by mid-November for the extended family).”
“It helps to have a mix of things that are specific and less specific (eg, ‘soft cardigan’, ‘nice silver earrings’, ‘new/different fidget toys’, ‘specific book/game/toy/art/fragrance/tool/etc’), so that the giver can choose whether they want to pick a sure-fire gift they know you’ll definitely love vs something that they have some more room to interpret.”
“Some people find it really objectionable to be given only exact specific items, while some find it a relief because it means they know they’ll get you exactly the thing you want and don’t have to try to figure out which of 20 similar items is the right one.”
“It would be a good thing that your husband was checking in about your potential gift if he wasn’t doing it with a fixed expectation.”
“I don’t know if this might show up in other parts of your life, but this interaction you described is very common with abusers.”
“They’ve already decided what your reaction is supposed to be, and they feel entitled to the reaction they expect, so it enrages them when you don’t meet that expectation.”
“It’s totally possible for a relationship to be generally healthy but have one hot-button topic that sets someone off in a way that is abusive – it’s a singular toxic instance and not an abusive relationship when it is the only time it happens, and that’s something that can absolutely be worth working through.”
“But I would encourage you to think a little about whether he’s got a pattern of overreacting if you don’t react in the way he expects to things, because that’s what is at the heart of abusive relationships.”- KaliTheBlaze
“NTA.”
“The point of gifting is to gift something the other person will like, not the minimum effort required for the person buying the gift.”- SoulSiren_22
“NTA.”
“He’s not listening to you.”
“If he doesn’t know you by now is there any hope?”
“Done with this sh*t?”
“I think I’d be done with him.”- AdministrationIll687
“NTA.”
“Too many people make giving gifts about themselves and it’s tiring to continually have gifts you don’t want or need in your house (especially if you’re someone who feels weird getting rid of things because they’re gifts).”
“Seems like he already bought it and is annoyed because now he has to buy something else.”- jjknowsnothing
We are taught to be grateful for what we have and what we are given, which includes presents we don’t ask for.
However, when we keep getting the same present despite saying we don’t want it, it’s hard not to get upset or frustrated.
If the OP’s husband wants to remain married, he may want to think very carefully about what he’ll get the OP for his next birthday.