Alarm clocks seem to be a common point of contention for people who share living spaces. Usually, the issue revolves around the person who needs to wake up not waking, while people who want to sleep are awoken.
A sibling turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after turning off their brother's alarm.
Resident_Sleeper9123 asked:
"AITA for turning off my brother's 'motivational' alarm that plays a speech every morning?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My brother recently decided he is on a self-improvement grind. For the past two weeks, his alarm has been a loud motivational speech about discipline, success, and waking up at 5 AM to 'outwork everyone else'."
"The problem is, he does not wake up to it. I do. It goes off every single morning at 5 AM and plays for five straight minutes while he snoozes it again and again."
"I asked him multiple times to change it to something quieter, but he said the speech is 'part of his mindset' and that I should respect his routine."
"This morning, after five minutes of someone yelling about success and hustle, I got up and turned his phone completely off. He slept through his class and when he woke up he was furious."
"Now he says I sabotaged his personal growth and disrespected his goals. I feel like I just wanted to sleep."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I physically turned off my brother's phone without his permission, which directly caused him to miss his class."
"Even though his alarm was waking me up every morning, I still interfered with his routine and schedule instead of just continuing to talk it out or finding another solution."
"From his point of view, my action cost him something important, and that is why he believes I am in the wrong."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He's mad at you for disrespecting his goals, yet he can't even respect his own goals by getting up on time. Maybe the 'you hit snooze you lose' approach will be good for him!" ~ GhostofZellers
"Exactly NTA here OP. It is preposterous if he tries to blame anyone but himself for interfering his 'personal growth'. It's high time you did that." ~ Admirable-Pepper3177
"I wake up at 4:45 to a single beep of an iPhone standard alarm at half volume. Tell him he's got a skill issue and he'll never make it." ~ sourdough_s8n
"Yeah OP, tell him 'only betas hit snooze, step up'." ~ thoracicbunk
"NTA. Waking up others with your alarms is annoying as f*ck, especially when it's some bullsh*t motivational speech alarm." ~ ItsRandxm
"Make your alarm bagpipes and set it to go off 5 minutes before his. Placing it under his pillow is optional." ~ Avery357
"NTA. I'm not saying it seems to be an essential part of hustle-bro 'culture' to be completely rude and thoughtless to everyone who has to share space with you, but I'm not not saying it." ~ Beruthiel999
"Waking up at 5am doesn't make you a better or more hardworking person. Sleep science indicates that it's counterproductive to force your body into a time zone that isn't right for you."
"Everyone has an innate preference for how much sleep and when that sleep should occur. For some people, it's deeply hardwired, for others, it's more malleable. The fact that he's sleeping through this shows that his body is seriously rejecting 5 am wake-ups."
Anyway, it probably would have been better to wake him up to let him know you were turning off his phone. Then, it's 100% his responsibility if he misses class."
"Still, I'll say NTA. He should use a regular alarm clock that doesn't disturb your sleep, and he can listen to his military affirmations on his AirPods as he gets ready for the day." ~ CannibalismIsTight
"NTA. You have goals too, and I'm sure one of them is to get enough rest." ~ EntrepreneurOld7107
"Damn, when I had to routinely get up at 5AM, I made sure my smart watch was set for 4:50, so it would just vibrate. My 5AM was a failsafe in case I slept through the watch.
"I think in that two-year period I only woke my other half up twice. Basic respect for others is clearly too hard for some people. NTA." ~ HefinLlewelyn
"It seems you're going to wake up regardless of what his alarm is. 'Support him' by waking him up when the alarm goes off. He'll learn to get up when it goes off."
"I'll leave it to you as to how to wake him up. Tell him he's got a choice: either get up when his alarm goes off, or you'll turn it off." ~ OldGeekWeirdo
"NTA—he needs to find a motivational talk that he can listen to at low volume as he is falling asleep. If his alarm is waking other members of the household, he needs a new alarm."
"If he hits snooze on the alarm loud enough to wake others, he needs a lesson. You just gave him one." ~ donnacus
"He needs a motivational speech about hustling to wake up to his own alarm. But also, he's probably listening to a complete grifter." ~ Lower_Amount3373
"You are most definitely NTA. We are all entitled to our own 'mindset' until it interferes with others need for sleep." ~ Philosemen69
"If you've got to be up at 5am, time to get a glass of cold water... and pour it over his head. A few days of this and I'm sure he will find motivation to get up with his alarm." ~ Phoenyx_wilson
"While I hit snooze a lot, my phone isn't very loud unless I leave it beeping... which sometimes happens because a) I left it in the bedroom while going to the bathroom or b) I'm so tired I can't even rouse myself to hit snooze."
"In that case, I sometimes dream that I'm shutting it off but it still beeps or I dream I'm trying to find it to shut it off.... which is annoying cause it won't stop beeping and I can't rouse myself enough to shut it off but.... yeah thankfully I do not sleep close enough to anyone to annoy them with my alarm." ~ Sheylenna
"NTA. Tell him his reasoning only stands up if he wakes up and listens to the thing. Even then, he has to respect that a loud alarm, even a speech, is designed to wake people up and, so after it has served its purpose, it needs to be turned off or the volume turned way down."
"For him to hit snooze rather than getting up straight away is him giving the finger to his supposed 'motivation' and just him inconsiderately waking you up. There is no 'personal growth' going on once he hits snooze." ~ kurokomainu
"NTA. Next time it wakes you up just go throw water on him. Just a cup with ice in it, he will soon stop letting it wake you up." ~ penguin-47
"It's going to be hard for his alarm to motivate him if he sleeps through it every morning. NTA." ~ Weird-Roll6265
"Don't turn it off anymore."
"Next time he doesn't wake up to the motivational yelling bullsh*t, get up and throw a glass of water at him."
"Help your brother like he wants so badly."
"His bed will get all wet and he won't be able to stay in it. It will be great for getting that energy and motivation to get out of bed." ~ asdfghjkl0479
"I don't think it's you who is sabotaging his personal goals if he's putting the alarm on snooze continuously or sleeping through it…"
"It probably wasn't great that he slept through his alarm for class, and if you knew he was going to be late and it was the first time maybe you could have done him a solid anyway, but he also needs to show consideration for other members of the household."
"No one else in the house should be getting woken up to anyone's 5am alarms unless they're in the same bed and they're a SUPER light sleeper, otherwise that's the sign they're being inconsiderate. NTA." ~ rybpyjama
"NTA. It doesn't sound like it's motivating him nearly as much as he claims. If it did, he'd get his a** in gear instead of subjecting you to the snooze." ~ Rude-Manufacturer635
"If he can't wake up early enough to stop you, then he's not in the grindset. NTA." ~ NatashOverWorld
"I have no tolerance for people who ignore their alarms and snooze six times in a row. NTA and anyone like them sucks." ~ MissionMassive563
"NTA. He's not respecting your personal growth, as you're not getting enough sleep. Wouldn't be so bad if he got up when it went off and listened to the speech elsewhere."
"Only himself to blame, he didn't get up when the alarm went off the first time." ~ CompetitionOdd1746
"Make your alarm the most objectionable music you can find and set it for 4:30 every morning. Let it play for a good 3 to 5 minutes, then snooze it. When he complains, tell him it's part of your mindset, but if he fixes his alarm, you'll fix yours." ~ readergirl35
If an alarm is waking up everyone up except for the person setting it, it's not an effective alarm.
It's just an annoyance.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp