People keep a wide variety of things as keepsakes, souvenirs, and mementos. While it may have no meaning for anyone else, it’s precious to the person keeping it.
Respecting what people consider precious shouldn’t be a difficult ask, but some people seem incapable of it.
A wife turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her husband disrespected her wishes.
Deenosaurus02 asked:
“AITA for being furious that my husband gave away my sake and wine after I told him repeatedly not to?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (30, female) came back from Japan about two months ago and brought home an expensive bottle of sake I specifically picked after doing a sake tasting class. I’m not a big drinker, so I chose something I genuinely liked and that my husband would enjoy.”
“It was meant as a ‘for us’ thing. I also had an unopened bottle of German wine that a friend gifted me three months ago.”
“My husband and I had multiple conversations where he asked if he could give the sake to his father, his cousin, or his friends, and I said a strict no every single time. Not vaguely, not jokingly, very clearly.”
“He knew it was sentimental and partially a souvenir. He also refused to drink it the one time I opened it because he had a headache, so I had about 20 ml and left the rest untouched.”
“Fast forward to three days ago: I’m away from home, and he has friends over after a pub night. I didn’t even consider that he would touch the sake or the wine because we’ve had the ‘don’t share this’ conversation a million times.”
“The next day, I ask him where the sake is. He casually tells me he shared the sake and the unopened wine with his friends, and they finished everything.”
“I was stunned. Angry. Disappointed. All of it.”
“He then says he ‘forgot’ that I told him not to give it to anyone. Then adds that he doesn’t remember unimportant stuff.”
“Bear in mind, I had even given him a bottle of whisky specifically meant for his friends after I returned from my travel.”
“When I confronted him about the sake and wine, he flipped it and said, ‘Don’t let it spoil our relationship’ and suggested I see a counselor.”
“AITA for being this upset over something he claims is ‘not a big deal,’ even though I’d told him explicitly and repeatedly not to touch it?”
“I’m unable to process the fact that my husband casually crossed a major boundary and is nonchalant about it.”
The OP later added:
“Husband and his friends are not alcoholics. He rarely indulges.”
“I’d have somewhat overlooked this IF he were drunk. I’d have told myself that he wasn’t thinking straight. But he never gets drunk. He’s super conscious about his health, rarely drinks, and whenever he does, there’s a self-imposed limit.”
“So, no. Not drunk. Very much in his senses. In fact, he and I were texting each other at some point during the time.”
“Been married for 3+ years, no kids. I’ve suggested and pleaded for marital counseling and individual therapy. Husband happens to be a very good person, highly considerate (mostly of others, I must add), and has always been the one people depend on.”
“I love him and genuinely want to save the relationship, but he refuses to seek therapy. He keeps saying I have issues and that I need to see a therapist, which I did.”
“I legit thought I was nuts or had depression. The psychiatrist (yes, I saw a psychiatrist) said I was absolutely fine and asked me to get him to come in. He refused.”
“I’m okay with all that. What saddens me often is how he says that I keep focusing on the unimportant or less important stuff.”
“It’s not the first time I’ve been gaslit or dismissed. But yes, there’s a pattern. I know that. I’m just…not great at admitting it out loud.”
“I’ve been asked to see a counselor multiple times when we disagree. I actually followed through and did see a therapist.”
“At this point, I think he needs to see one, which I have suggested. I’ve also suggested marriage counseling for both of us, but he refuses to budge.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“The action being judged is me getting angry at my husband and confronting him after he knowingly gave away my sake and my gifted wine, despite me telling him multiple times not to.”
“I’m finding it difficult to have a conversation with him after this incident.”
“As for why this might make me the a**hole: From his perspective, I overreacted about alcohol, which he claims means I’m ‘spoiling the relationship over a drink’.”
“So I’m here questioning whether getting that upset, and holding him accountable for something he says he ‘forgot’, makes me the unreasonable one.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. He asked multiple times. You said no multiple times. He didn’t forget anything except maybe any pretense of respecting you.”
“It’s not overreacting when you call out someone who took something he knew was meaningful to you, knowing you already told him not to, just to show off to his buddies.” ~ MohawMais
“NTA. Are you kidding me? Not a big deal? He knew exactly what he was doing, and he did it anyway because he didn’t give a crap about anyone but himself. What an a**hole.”
“Plus, ‘Then adds that he “doesn’t remember unimportant stuff”.’ Oh, so your expressly stated desires are unimportant. Cool.” ~ Casual_Lore
“It seems like he wánted to give it away to hurt her. Was he jealous about your trip or something? He knew what he was doing after asking multiple times.” ~ say-so1986
“It sounds like he doesn’t even think about his spouse and only himself. He was home drunk with his friends after drinking, probably thinking ‘Well, this is my house and I can do what I want because I’m a big boy.”
“Then decided to finish the sake and wine with his friends to show off. Why did this guy even get married? It’s like he just got married to say he did and doesn’t participate in a normal relationship at all.”
“I’m just finding out other dudes really think this way. The friends I grew up with that had relationships were not like this, can’t believe there are dudes out there who are thinking and living this way.” ~ Grakch
“I think some dudes are aware (maybe subconsciously?) that their quality of life would be way lower if they were single because they’d have to be responsible for themselves and they don’t want to do all that.” ~ SammySoapsuds
“Most. Most dudes. I had a conversation with a f*cking *HVAC tech* about this while he was working on our AC unit. He was being flirty (which I didn’t realize at the time) and said being single sucks; I said it’s been better for me than any relationship I’ve ever been in.”
“He looked at me like I had three heads, and I said for women it’s more that we have to pick between being the caretaker of an adult child, or living in our own peace. And I’ve learned to choose my peace.” ~ mysh*tsmellslikesh*t
“I believe there have been actual studies showing married men live longer and have better quality of life than their unmarried counterparts, but the opposite is true for women—unmarried women report better quality of life and longer lives than their married counterparts.” ~ SLyndon4
“So he ‘doesn’t remember unimportant stuff’.”
“To him, you’re the ‘unimportant stuff’. NTA.” ~ smdth_567
“His comment about unimportant stuff highlights the problem: she is unimportant stuff, not the bottles. The bottles were absolutely important, so much that he tried to give them away repeatedly from the first moment.”
“So much that when OP opened one, he refused to drink out of spite because it wasn’t happening in the condition he decided it should: with his male friends and relatives, him playing the part of the great host who offers rare bottles to his guests, probably not even mentioning that they came from his wife.”
“I bet that he refused to drink only because the bottle being already opened didn’t fit with his mental image of who should get the first taste: not OP and him, but him and his chosen circle, and without her even being present. She is unimportant; the bottles were very important.”
“I had an abusive ex who did this kind of power play: once he scolded me until I cried because I made too many sandwiches for a friend’s gathering (mind, I paid for everything and it’s not like there was no food left for us), but the moment I said ‘hey I’m saving this food/snack/anything consumable, please don’t touch it’, it was suddenly the most desirable thing ever.”
“Once he ate the freaking probiotic yogurts that I knew he hated, just out of spite. I made myself free after years of torment.”
“Hope that OP starts considering the same. I can’t imagine someone who acts and talks like that to the person he supposedly loves out of the blue, I bet it’s a pattern and this is just the last straw.” ~ the_V33
“NTA. My (much)younger brother is unfortunately exactly like that—his greatest joy in life is finding tiny little things that are important to you and destroying them, then making light of it.”
“Food is one of the big ones cause I have dietary/health restrictions and he loves eating, for instance, every donut I could have eaten out of an assorted dozen, even the ones he doesn’t like…”
“If it’s any solace to you, this does come back around to bite them. My brother is growing increasingly paranoid and constantly accuses everyone of having maliciously done things to him (like hiding his items, or messing with his food) because he can’t wrap his head around the fact that nobody else is constantly malicious like he is, so clearly we must just be doing things he won’t/hasn’t yet noticed.” ~ B3tar3ad3r
“If that man isn’t prioritizing you, why are you wasting your time with him? His specific comment about not letting his actions spoil the relationship says it all: he cares more about being in a relationship than he actually cares about you!”
“From other comments you’ve written, this guy has a carefully crafted image, one where he’s dependable, social, and generous with his friends. He probably thinks if he’s not married/in a relationship, that would tarnish his image.”
“I’m positive he played the part well when you were dating, right up to the moment you were legally bound to each other, and now here you are, wondering if you’re overreacting about him giving away something you bought for the two of you to share.” ~ Umbreonnnnn
The OP responded:
“What you’ve said is insightful and so, so important. Thank you. To be honest, even I did not see it that way.”
“I knew I was closer to the bottom when it came to his priorities, but you’re right. It was just me being unimportant.”
Then they added a short update:
”
“I’ve been overlooking a lot of incidents under the assumption that things will change. Some have, some haven’t. I’m willing to work on the relationship, unfortunately it’s one-sided. Time’s up, I suppose.”
Hopefully, the OP is able to replace that bottle one day! Better yet, the husband’s friend group should all chip in to remedy this situation and promise never to do it again.
Or there might be stiff consequences.