Roles in a relationship—who will do what to make and maintain the household—should be discussed and a consensus reached.
But as with all things in life, stuff happens that can derail any previously agreed to assignment of duties.
Like if one partner agrees to do the yard work then breaks their leg, adjustments will be needed.
So when a new wife became pregnant, she wasn’t able to do the things she had before. After this lead to a confrontation with her husband, she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Lazy-Radish8914 asked:
“AITA for refusing to make breakfast for my father-in-law (FIL)?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (25, female) recently got married (8 months ago) to my 28-year-old husband. My FIL came to visit 3 days ago and when he arrived late at night I was shocked because we were not expecting him until a day ago.”
“I’m heavily pregnant and I could easily pop any time now. My energy levels have dropped significantly and I can barely do any housework.”
“Now the day he arrived I was lucky because I had prepared the meal in bulk for meal prep as I’m doing this to save energy. So I served him the food and it wasn’t a problem at all.”
“Now fast forward to today, my FIL has an interview, but last night both him and my husband didn’t let me know what time he was going to leave.”
“I was woken up early morning by my husband to iron his father’s clothes. I didn’t want to but I did it.”
“I haven’t been well lately due to pregnancy and getting out of bed is a bit hard. My husband then went on to scroll on his phone whilst I did the ironing.”
“He didn’t bother to at least boil water for his father’s breakfast. After I was done ironing he asked why I hadn’t made breakfast for his father and went on to say I don’t love his relatives.”
“I went back to bed and told him I wasn’t well and that I wasn’t going to make breakfast.”
“He went on to say he can’t wait for me to go to my parents—after I give birth I’m meant to stay at my parents and learn a few things about the baby—because I’ve become useless.”
The OP summed up their issue.
“My actions are refusing to make breakfast for my father-in-law.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Oh dear, NTA at all. This is so awful to read! Your husband is a giant a**hole. You are getting treated like a servant, a maid and not an equal partner.”
“Is there any chance that you can go to your parents or good friends? I would not stay in this hostile environment.”
“Please look into how to leave this marriage. You deserve a partner who is loving and respecting you.”
“No one should call another human ‘useless’. This is an abusive relationship and it will only get worse. I hope, you find the strength in this difficult situation to leave!” ~ Justrennt
“I would go to my parents and NEVER COME BACK. OP can literally give birth any time and her husband can’t do something simple like heating up food?”
“OP needs to leave, 100% after she gives birth she would be expected to do ALL of the child care and chores.” ~ Educational_Half583
“Well, now you know you should pack not only clothes, but all your important paperwork as well (birth certificate, IDs, So. Security card, etc…) and plan to stay at your parents indefinitely.”
“What a raging a**hole your husband is for him to expect you, his wife, to wait on your FIL like you’re a maid or something. He will only get worse with time.”
“What do you think is gonna happen when the baby gets here and you’re laid up in pain? Seems to me he will expect you to do everything in the house plus care for the baby all by yourself.” ~ Obsidianpearl19
“NTA. You do realize that if FIL is interviewing that he intends to live there right? He didn’t come for a visit, he will be moving in.”
“There are plans for while you are gone to your parents. If you are allowed to come back it will be to FIL having moved in and husband insisting you cater to both of them while caring for a newborn also.”
“Talk to mom and see if she’d be willing to come to your house to stay after baby is born to help also with husband’s attitude.” ~ wlfwrtr
“Girl, go to your parents right now. If they can support you after the baby is born they can also support you before the baby is born.”
“Your husband obviously isn’t fit to do either. I wouldn’t be surprised if he asked his dad to visit without telling you.”
“It all seems very shady. They’re being awful to you. NTA.” ~ -iamyourgrandma-
“Husband is mirroring his dad and when you have someone around to support your bullsh*t you lose your mind. He probably doesn’t act like this any other time because he doesn’t have daddy backing him up. It’s like being bullied.”
“My in-laws family is full of males and while they aren’t this bad, when they are in a group they are pretty dumb so I tend to stay away.”
“In-laws forcing their children’s spouse to take care of them is weird as f*ck, but so many people do this type of stuff.” ~ Longjumping-Web4179
“You shouldn’t have ironed those clothes. You should have let your hubby or his dad do it.”
“But at least you didn’t cook. When you go to your parents, please don’t come back to your husband.
“Take that time at your parents to plan your life as a divorced, single-mother.”
“Hubby has shown you who he really is. It’s only gonna get worse.”
“And unless you signed up to be treated like a bang maid, I’d suggest you get out of this marriage now.” ~ solo_throwaway254247
“Oh Honey… NTA… In absolutely no way. Your husband is showing his true colors, you should believe it. It most likely will get worse.”
“Your marriage is not a partnership it’s more like you’re his maid. He is supposed to care for you like you care for him.”
“Please go to your parents now and think about the life you want to live. Do you want a team, or do you want to be his slave?” ~ ChapterPresent4773
“Maybe staying with your parents should become permanent right now. You don’t have to put up with this disgusting BS behaviour, even if you were not pregnant.”
“You are not his or his father’s maid, and if they want to have one, they have to pay for one. You are in no way, shape or form obligated to fulfill their wishes. NTA.” ~ Every_Criticism2012
“I think you have bigger issues. This is the 21st century. Your FIL is old enough to iron his own clothes.”
“And your husband demanding that you do unnecessary work while heavily pregnant is abusive. The ‘boys’ can fend for themselves. They are lucky you have not had a pregnancy complication that would make them do more work.”
“When you are with your family, they need to get onboard with you having more support. Also when you deliver see at the hospital what suppprt services are available for you.”
“In France, a mother with a newborn has someone come to the house to help the mom for 4 weeks. This helper will do laundry, cook and feed the infant if nessessary.”
“France has found that this care results in better outcomes for both the mother and child.”
“Seriously, your husband and FIL are being abusive to expect you now and in the future to cater to their needs. NTA.” ~ Starfish1948
“What the f*ck‽‽ Is what he said somewhat out of character or is he always behaving like that?”
“I try to be not overly judgemental—some people act very strange when it comes to parents. The inner critical voice they inherited can get louder and cloud their judgement.
“But ‘become useless’ sounds like a massive red flag. I mean tone, context and everything play a role, but I get associations of abusive/narcissistc tendencies when I hear something like that.”
“So I hope that maybe he just lacks a lot of awareness and was kind of stressed by his dad’s appearance himself.”
“I wish you good luck and I do hope you manage to talk some sense into him. I would certainly press him on this mather and communicate that behaviour like that will not be tolerated. NTA.” ~ Good_Squirrel409
“You shouldn’t go to your parents’ to learn a few things about the baby. Both parents should learn about their baby together, at their home.”
“If he can’t wait for you to go to your parents, just go now. Don’t come back until he learns about his wife and how to be a good husband, because he’s become useless. NTA.” ~ Lily_Annes
“NTA, but your husband and FIL are MASSIVE A**HOLES. And you need to get on top of this right now.”
“Firstly, you’re heavily pregnant and due soon. You are not a slave for your husband or FIL.”
“Your FIL arrived unannounced and earlier than planned. It is not up to you to cater to him.”
“You are meant to be resting as you’re about to give birth and suffering all the symptoms that go along with being heavily pregnant. The fact your husband woke you up to iron his dad’s clothes, and just sat on his phone is disgusting.”
“Tell him to iron the clothes next time. And then he expected you to make his dad breakfast‽‽”
“1) his dad is old enough to make his own damn breakfast or coffee and 2) your husband should have made it for him if one of you had to. He should not be expecting you to wait on and serve his dad, especially when you’re heavily pregnant.”
“Tell him to do these things himself.”
“And to tell you he can’t wait until you go to your mum’s and learn how to do stuff because you’re apparently useless… Oh, Hell NO! Do not put up with that sh*t.”
“Answer back and tell him how he’s failing as a husband and a future father and he needs to go and learn some freaking decency, respect, care, and how to help with chores around the house and actually how to take care of a heavily pregnant woman, and also how to take care of you after the baby is born.”
“He needs to realise he is just as responsible for chores and caring for the baby. And caring for you while you recover from the birth.”
“He needs to realise he will need to get up in the night and help with changing nappies and help bottle feed if you choose to bottle feed or do a mix of both breast and bottle. That it’s not just your duty to get up in the night. That he will need to pitch in when baby is here.”
“You are not lazy. You are growing a human being inside your body and suffering the side effects of the strain that puts on your body.”
“And he needs to grow up and be a man and realise men are also responsible for doing their share at home and with the baby.”
“Don’t let him treat you like a slave, and don’t let him talk to you like you’re nothing. If you let it slide now he will continue to get worse.” ~ Poppypie77
The OP hasn’t provided any updates, but Reddit doesn’t see much hope for this marriage.