Roles in a relationship—who will do what to make and maintain the household—should be discussed and a consensus reached.
But as with all things in life, stuff happens that can derail any previously agreed to assignment of duties.
Like if one partner agrees to do the yard work then breaks their leg, adjustments will be needed.
So when a new wife became pregnant, she wasn't able to do the things she had before. After this lead to a confrontation with her husband, she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Lazy-Radish8914 asked:
"AITA for refusing to make breakfast for my father-in-law (FIL)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (25, female) recently got married (8 months ago) to my 28-year-old husband. My FIL came to visit 3 days ago and when he arrived late at night I was shocked because we were not expecting him until a day ago."
"I'm heavily pregnant and I could easily pop any time now. My energy levels have dropped significantly and I can barely do any housework."
"Now the day he arrived I was lucky because I had prepared the meal in bulk for meal prep as I'm doing this to save energy. So I served him the food and it wasn't a problem at all."
"Now fast forward to today, my FIL has an interview, but last night both him and my husband didn't let me know what time he was going to leave."
"I was woken up early morning by my husband to iron his father's clothes. I didn't want to but I did it."
"I haven't been well lately due to pregnancy and getting out of bed is a bit hard. My husband then went on to scroll on his phone whilst I did the ironing."
"He didn't bother to at least boil water for his father's breakfast. After I was done ironing he asked why I hadn't made breakfast for his father and went on to say I don't love his relatives."
"I went back to bed and told him I wasn't well and that I wasn't going to make breakfast."
"He went on to say he can't wait for me to go to my parents—after I give birth I'm meant to stay at my parents and learn a few things about the baby—because I've become useless."
The OP summed up their issue.
"My actions are refusing to make breakfast for my father-in-law."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Oh dear, NTA at all. This is so awful to read! Your husband is a giant a**hole. You are getting treated like a servant, a maid and not an equal partner."
"Is there any chance that you can go to your parents or good friends? I would not stay in this hostile environment."
"Please look into how to leave this marriage. You deserve a partner who is loving and respecting you."
"No one should call another human 'useless'. This is an abusive relationship and it will only get worse. I hope, you find the strength in this difficult situation to leave!" ~ Justrennt
"I would go to my parents and NEVER COME BACK. OP can literally give birth any time and her husband can't do something simple like heating up food?"
"OP needs to leave, 100% after she gives birth she would be expected to do ALL of the child care and chores." ~ Educational_Half583
"Well, now you know you should pack not only clothes, but all your important paperwork as well (birth certificate, IDs, So. Security card, etc...) and plan to stay at your parents indefinitely."
"What a raging a**hole your husband is for him to expect you, his wife, to wait on your FIL like you're a maid or something. He will only get worse with time."
"What do you think is gonna happen when the baby gets here and you're laid up in pain? Seems to me he will expect you to do everything in the house plus care for the baby all by yourself." ~ Obsidianpearl19
"NTA. You do realize that if FIL is interviewing that he intends to live there right? He didn't come for a visit, he will be moving in."
"There are plans for while you are gone to your parents. If you are allowed to come back it will be to FIL having moved in and husband insisting you cater to both of them while caring for a newborn also."
"Talk to mom and see if she'd be willing to come to your house to stay after baby is born to help also with husband's attitude." ~ wlfwrtr
"Girl, go to your parents right now. If they can support you after the baby is born they can also support you before the baby is born."
"Your husband obviously isn't fit to do either. I wouldn't be surprised if he asked his dad to visit without telling you."
"It all seems very shady. They're being awful to you. NTA." ~ -iamyourgrandma-
"Husband is mirroring his dad and when you have someone around to support your bullsh*t you lose your mind. He probably doesn't act like this any other time because he doesn't have daddy backing him up. It's like being bullied."
"My in-laws family is full of males and while they aren't this bad, when they are in a group they are pretty dumb so I tend to stay away."
"In-laws forcing their children's spouse to take care of them is weird as f*ck, but so many people do this type of stuff." ~ Longjumping-Web4179
"You shouldn't have ironed those clothes. You should have let your hubby or his dad do it."
"But at least you didn't cook. When you go to your parents, please don't come back to your husband.
"Take that time at your parents to plan your life as a divorced, single-mother."
"Hubby has shown you who he really is. It's only gonna get worse."
"And unless you signed up to be treated like a bang maid, I'd suggest you get out of this marriage now." ~ solo_throwaway254247
"Oh Honey... NTA... In absolutely no way. Your husband is showing his true colors, you should believe it. It most likely will get worse."
"Your marriage is not a partnership it's more like you're his maid. He is supposed to care for you like you care for him."
"Please go to your parents now and think about the life you want to live. Do you want a team, or do you want to be his slave?" ~ ChapterPresent4773
"Maybe staying with your parents should become permanent right now. You don't have to put up with this disgusting BS behaviour, even if you were not pregnant."
"You are not his or his father's maid, and if they want to have one, they have to pay for one. You are in no way, shape or form obligated to fulfill their wishes. NTA." ~ Every_Criticism2012
"I think you have bigger issues. This is the 21st century. Your FIL is old enough to iron his own clothes."
"And your husband demanding that you do unnecessary work while heavily pregnant is abusive. The 'boys' can fend for themselves. They are lucky you have not had a pregnancy complication that would make them do more work."
"When you are with your family, they need to get onboard with you having more support. Also when you deliver see at the hospital what suppprt services are available for you."
"In France, a mother with a newborn has someone come to the house to help the mom for 4 weeks. This helper will do laundry, cook and feed the infant if nessessary."
"France has found that this care results in better outcomes for both the mother and child."
"Seriously, your husband and FIL are being abusive to expect you now and in the future to cater to their needs. NTA." ~ Starfish1948
"What the f*ck‽‽ Is what he said somewhat out of character or is he always behaving like that?"
"I try to be not overly judgemental—some people act very strange when it comes to parents. The inner critical voice they inherited can get louder and cloud their judgement.
"But 'become useless' sounds like a massive red flag. I mean tone, context and everything play a role, but I get associations of abusive/narcissistc tendencies when I hear something like that."
"So I hope that maybe he just lacks a lot of awareness and was kind of stressed by his dad's appearance himself."
"I wish you good luck and I do hope you manage to talk some sense into him. I would certainly press him on this mather and communicate that behaviour like that will not be tolerated. NTA." ~ Good_Squirrel409
"You shouldn't go to your parents' to learn a few things about the baby. Both parents should learn about their baby together, at their home."
"If he can't wait for you to go to your parents, just go now. Don't come back until he learns about his wife and how to be a good husband, because he's become useless. NTA." ~ Lily_Annes
"NTA, but your husband and FIL are MASSIVE A**HOLES. And you need to get on top of this right now."
"Firstly, you're heavily pregnant and due soon. You are not a slave for your husband or FIL."
"Your FIL arrived unannounced and earlier than planned. It is not up to you to cater to him."
"You are meant to be resting as you're about to give birth and suffering all the symptoms that go along with being heavily pregnant. The fact your husband woke you up to iron his dad's clothes, and just sat on his phone is disgusting."
"Tell him to iron the clothes next time. And then he expected you to make his dad breakfast‽‽"
"1) his dad is old enough to make his own damn breakfast or coffee and 2) your husband should have made it for him if one of you had to. He should not be expecting you to wait on and serve his dad, especially when you're heavily pregnant."
"Tell him to do these things himself."
"And to tell you he can't wait until you go to your mum's and learn how to do stuff because you're apparently useless... Oh, Hell NO! Do not put up with that sh*t."
"Answer back and tell him how he's failing as a husband and a future father and he needs to go and learn some freaking decency, respect, care, and how to help with chores around the house and actually how to take care of a heavily pregnant woman, and also how to take care of you after the baby is born."
"He needs to realise he is just as responsible for chores and caring for the baby. And caring for you while you recover from the birth."
"He needs to realise he will need to get up in the night and help with changing nappies and help bottle feed if you choose to bottle feed or do a mix of both breast and bottle. That it's not just your duty to get up in the night. That he will need to pitch in when baby is here."
"You are not lazy. You are growing a human being inside your body and suffering the side effects of the strain that puts on your body."
"And he needs to grow up and be a man and realise men are also responsible for doing their share at home and with the baby."
"Don't let him treat you like a slave, and don't let him talk to you like you're nothing. If you let it slide now he will continue to get worse." ~ Poppypie77
The OP hasn't provided any updates, but Reddit doesn't see much hope for this marriage.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp