Content Warning: Mentions of Postpartum Depression (PPD) in men and women, Drugs
There are some big events in our lives, like moving to another country, or buying a house, or having a baby, that in a perfect world, we would like to plan every detail for before they happen.
But we rarely get to live in a perfect world, empathized the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SecretAdvisor9954 planned and saved money for over seven years to have a baby and be a stay-at-home mom when her baby was born, alongside her husband who was eager to have a child.
But once their baby was born, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her husband completely deviated from their carefully made plan, just starting with quitting his job.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my husband that he failed me and our child?"
The OP worked hard to prepare for the birth of her child.
"I've been with my husband for eight years now."
"For the first seven years, we planned HEAVILY because we both wanted a child, but we needed to make sure we had everything 'just right' because I was very firm in the fact that I would never be okay with sending our child to daycare. I was going to be a stay-at-home mom."
"He 100% agreed. We bought the house, we built the nursery, we saved every penny we could afford to save, etc. Right now, we are sitting on a very nice nest egg of just over $150k."
"I got pregnant in December 2022. I gave birth at the very beginning of September."
But then the OP's husband completely deviated from their original plan.
"It has been an absolute s**t show since then."
"So, to kick off, within the first two months of me giving birth (and having severe PPD), he decided to make a completely out-of-the-blue career change."
"I urged him to go get checked by his Primary Care Physician for PPD, because surely something must be wrong to be making such a life-changing decision with zero warning so soon after I gave birth."
"He refused and insisted that he was fine but that his career was all the sudden 'too much' and it was 'taking too much time away from bonding with the baby.' It was literally a normal 40-hour work week, but he was getting p**sed because for the last two weeks of his employment, his boss had been asking that he work four hours every Saturday (his normal day off, but it's only four hours)."
"So, he quit. He got a job elsewhere two days later and takes a $4.50/hr pay cut. Okay, no big deal. Except now he has to pay $160 out of each paycheck for the mandatory benefits and work fees. That doesn't include taxes."
"He also has been working six days a week, versus the five that he was working. So less time at home (but 'well, they said I could probably get a manager position,' so I guess it's okay?)."
"He is bringing in no more than $300 a paycheck, in comparison to the $600+ paychecks he was getting. Our bills are almost $2k a month. Therefore we have had to pay out of our savings every single month and it adds up quickly!"
The OP wasn't sure what to think of her husband's sudden changes.
"I tried talking to him about it. He loved that job. It was his whole identity. Everywhere he went, he was wearing the company logo on him somewhere or talking to people about his job and giving people quotes, even when he was off the clock."
"The only thing he told me was that he was p**sed that he was made to work those last two Saturdays. He said that his boss was an a**hole because he was 'making pennies to his 100s and missing out on time with his baby.'"
"Then goes and picks up a job where he's working six full days and is literally never around the baby because of his job. So it just makes no sense. None of it."
"And his communication has been absolutely garbage since I gave birth so he won't talk to me about anything."
"And the hours thing bothers me a lot actually. Because he was so p**sed off that he was asked to work four hours for the last two Saturdays of his employment and used that as the excuse for leaving, just to jump to this job and having to work a full six days a week. So it makes no sense that he was complaining about his last job. That's why it bothered me."
"I also have no idea where his money went. I asked him and he literally told me that 'has to get to and from work adds up quick,' when his job is literally six minutes away. But he's been going to the gym nearly every day for an hour after work, when he never went to the gym at all up until two weeks ago. So he probably is having an affair for all I know."
The OP's mother-in-law tried to get involved in the situation.
"Here is where I may be an a**hole. Bills are obviously due soon. I asked him how much money he had set aside for the bills so I could work through the numbers."
"He told me that he 'wasn't able to' save anything for bills and he literally has four dollars in his account. Meaning come the first, ALL of the bill money will be coming out of our savings."
"He told me, 'Maybe you need to start looking for a job. My mom will probably watch the baby.'"
"I just didn't f**king say anything because I know I'm going to explode."
"His mom came here this morning and he ran it by her (without even getting my approval, which would absolutely be a hard no, because I'm quite certain she's early stages of Dementia), and she said, 'No, but I know a daycare that has openings,' and proceeded to call them and tell them that we want to enroll our daughter."
The OP lashed out at her mother-in-law (MIL).
"I spoke up and said, no, I was not putting the baby in daycare. I also was not having her watch the baby. It's not happening and my husband needs to figure it out."
"My MIL then told me that it was 'not fair' that I won't come up with solutions to help her son, who is clearly 'struggling.'"
"I snapped. I tell her that it is not my job to come up with solutions for a man who failed me and our child. WE had everything planned. WE had the money. WE figured this out and spent years figuring it out before coming to this point."
"Now HE is going against the plan. HE decided to quit his job. HE refused to get help when I urged him to. HE didn't save any of his paychecks for bills. This is on HIM, 100%."
"Before anyone could respond, I went inside and packed an overnight bag for both me and the baby and told him I'd be going to my mother's house until he got his s**t together and got his head on straight."
"He is mostly texting me, saying that he can't believe I think he is failing us."
"But his mother is blowing up my phone saying that I'm a dumb [c-word] and that plans change and since I'm married to her son and he's the 'only one working' that he should be the final say in what happens from this point forward."
The OP at least knew that she had backup plans.
"I'm not throwing my hands up and refusing to work. I WILL go back to work, but if I have to go that route, I will 100% divorce him and stay with my mother and have my mother watch my baby (daycare is not an option)."
"I don't foresee myself ever forgiving him if I'm forced in to going back to work after we planned this for seven years, simply because he f**ked up everything. I no longer trust him."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain the husband had ulterior motives.
"Okay, he thinks being a stay-at-home parent is easier and he's gonna burn through your savings then ask to be a stay-at-home dad. This is deliberate. It's a feature, not a bug!! NTA." - Scandalicing
"I think there's more to quitting his job because he was working four hours on Saturday. Is OP completely sure he wasn't fired/on the verge of being fired (so he quit before that happened) or there wasn't some mess he did at work and he quit before it spilled and OP discovered it?"
"I have seen so many things that I wouldn't put it past anyone. Have had coworkers going crazy at work, DV issues, supervisors f**king employees in the facilities, etc., so it seems super suspicious he just up and quit, taking a big pay cut, and refusing to listen to his wife (after being a person that apparently participated in the planning for this baby)."
"I know PPD (Postpartum Depression) is real, but also OP has not mentioned noticing anything else telling her that he may have it, other than he quit his job suddenly for a worse job and refuses to accept that it was a bad financial decision and now wants to penalize the whole family for it." - 9inkski3s
"I don't think he quit, he might have been let go."
"I mean, he was working five days a week and his boss asked him to add a four-hour shift on SOME Saturdays. He 'quits' because of that. There's no way he will work more than five days a week."
"He then turns around and gets a job that asks him to work six days a week and he agrees to a pay cut doing so?"
"He spends all the money he's earning at his new job and doesn't put anything aside for the bills?"
"Something is clearly wrong. You asked him to go see his doctor and he refused. I feel that there is something he is either hiding from you, or you were on the right track and it's his mental health."
"No matter what it is, he doesn't seem to want to get better or do any work to help the situation. He seems to want to rely on you for all of it and for you to compensate for his lack of commitment to your plan."
"NTA." - Ambroisie_Cy
"OP, this whole situation is red flags galore, and I can guarantee that he's hiding something from you."
"Him deciding to unilaterally quit a job that pays well because his boss asked him to work four hours on a couple Saturdays, only to then take another with a pay cut, where he has to work six whole days AND pay for benefits that you may very well need to use while recovering from giving birth, all of it just doesn't add up."
"Also, what did he spend his entire paycheck on that he only has four dollars left to go towards bills? You probably would have seen at least some of the things he spent it on."
"I'm wondering if something happened at work that caused him to lose his job and also get sued or get blackmailed and he can't tell you about it because he knows you would leave him over it or he doesn't want you to worry (though that doesn't quite add up either)."
"I hate to say this, but is it possible he had an affair with a coworker that turned ugly or ended with him getting fired or being forced to quit? Asking this specifically because married men are most likely to cheat when their wife is pregnant/has just given birth and not having sex with them. Maybe you want to also keep an eye out for other signs or odd things he's done lately."
"I would suggest either hiring a lawyer who can do some investigative work on what's going on or doing some digging and getting the full picture before hiring a lawyer so you have a clear path." - suri007dragon
Others agreed and took serious issue with the husband and his mother.
"NTA. Your husband failed you in EVERY WAY, went back on his word, quit his job without warning, went crying to his (rude, disrespectful, disgusting) mama, and now he's upset because you told him the TRUTH??!"
"To be honest, his mother could never enter my house, see her grandchild, or EVER speak to me again if she'd called me the c-word. It almost seems like he planned this given the timing. I'd be done with his lazy crying a**." - Agitated_Zucchini_82
"NTA, but you need to tell your husband that he CAN NOT put himself first when he has a child. He's upset because he had to work on a Saturday TWICE?"
"He proved himself untrustworthy when it comes to the really important things. He completely f**ked over y'alls plan without giving two fucks about you or your child." - Rhubarbalicious
"The husband taking his mom's side is definitely the final nail in the coffin of the marriage. There is no turning back."
"My MIL once told me to my face that I needed to change my life and 'get saved,' and my ex-husband actually told me that I needed to lighten up and let things go. If he is defending his mom even through her calling you the [c-word], then he will in all likelihood always defend her." - GeorgiaPeach1973
"NTA. It sounds like he is having a mid-life crisis now that the baby is here, like he is staring down the barrel of the next 18 years and freaked and made an immature and selfish decision."
"I want to give advice, but because I could have written many parts of this myself, I won't be objective at all. I will say I was married for 10 years with the plan of being a SAHM, but by the time my kid was two and a half years old, I had to start working part-time, because he wanted to start a business that was risky and expensive."
"I divorced him 10 years ago and my major regret is not saving my own money. He re-writes the story that I 'refused to work' when I worked until the doc put me on bed rest and then the plan was I am a full-time mom because his mom was and that is what he wanted."
"If you get a job, set up your own stash of money secretly because now you know you can't trust him and will need a nest egg of your own in case you need to start over alone."
"Also, a MIL who talked to me that way would be blocked and not allowed around me ever again." - Fun-Apricot-2921
The subReddit was shocked on the OP's behalf and were struggling to imagine a scenario where the husband's behavior could all be explained by simply "quitting" his job and starting a new one.
From an affair to postpartum depression, there were a wide variety of explanations for what was going on and whether or not they were scenarios the OP should see through alongside her baby.
But one thing was certain for all: the mother-in-law did not have the right to treat the OP that way, and if her husband was going to allow it, their marriage might be doomed no matter what.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp