Content Warning: Mentions of Postpartum Depression (PPD) in men and women, Drugs
There are some big events in our lives, like moving to another country, or buying a house, or having a baby, that in a perfect world, we would like to plan every detail for before they happen.
But we rarely get to live in a perfect world, empathized the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SecretAdvisor9954 planned and saved money for over seven years to have a baby and be a stay-at-home mom when her baby was born, alongside her husband who was eager to have a child.
But once their baby was born, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her husband completely deviated from their carefully made plan, just starting with quitting his job.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my husband that he failed me and our child?”
The OP worked hard to prepare for the birth of her child.
“I’ve been with my husband for eight years now.”
“For the first seven years, we planned HEAVILY because we both wanted a child, but we needed to make sure we had everything ‘just right’ because I was very firm in the fact that I would never be okay with sending our child to daycare. I was going to be a stay-at-home mom.”
“He 100% agreed. We bought the house, we built the nursery, we saved every penny we could afford to save, etc. Right now, we are sitting on a very nice nest egg of just over $150k.”
“I got pregnant in December 2022. I gave birth at the very beginning of September.”
But then the OP’s husband completely deviated from their original plan.
“It has been an absolute s**t show since then.”
“So, to kick off, within the first two months of me giving birth (and having severe PPD), he decided to make a completely out-of-the-blue career change.”
“I urged him to go get checked by his Primary Care Physician for PPD, because surely something must be wrong to be making such a life-changing decision with zero warning so soon after I gave birth.”
“He refused and insisted that he was fine but that his career was all the sudden ‘too much’ and it was ‘taking too much time away from bonding with the baby.’ It was literally a normal 40-hour work week, but he was getting p**sed because for the last two weeks of his employment, his boss had been asking that he work four hours every Saturday (his normal day off, but it’s only four hours).”
“So, he quit. He got a job elsewhere two days later and takes a $4.50/hr pay cut. Okay, no big deal. Except now he has to pay $160 out of each paycheck for the mandatory benefits and work fees. That doesn’t include taxes.”
“He also has been working six days a week, versus the five that he was working. So less time at home (but ‘well, they said I could probably get a manager position,’ so I guess it’s okay?).”
“He is bringing in no more than $300 a paycheck, in comparison to the $600+ paychecks he was getting. Our bills are almost $2k a month. Therefore we have had to pay out of our savings every single month and it adds up quickly!”
The OP wasn’t sure what to think of her husband’s sudden changes.
“I tried talking to him about it. He loved that job. It was his whole identity. Everywhere he went, he was wearing the company logo on him somewhere or talking to people about his job and giving people quotes, even when he was off the clock.”
“The only thing he told me was that he was p**sed that he was made to work those last two Saturdays. He said that his boss was an a**hole because he was ‘making pennies to his 100s and missing out on time with his baby.'”
“Then goes and picks up a job where he’s working six full days and is literally never around the baby because of his job. So it just makes no sense. None of it.”
“And his communication has been absolutely garbage since I gave birth so he won’t talk to me about anything.”
“And the hours thing bothers me a lot actually. Because he was so p**sed off that he was asked to work four hours for the last two Saturdays of his employment and used that as the excuse for leaving, just to jump to this job and having to work a full six days a week. So it makes no sense that he was complaining about his last job. That’s why it bothered me.”
“I also have no idea where his money went. I asked him and he literally told me that ‘has to get to and from work adds up quick,’ when his job is literally six minutes away. But he’s been going to the gym nearly every day for an hour after work, when he never went to the gym at all up until two weeks ago. So he probably is having an affair for all I know.”
The OP’s mother-in-law tried to get involved in the situation.
“Here is where I may be an a**hole. Bills are obviously due soon. I asked him how much money he had set aside for the bills so I could work through the numbers.”
“He told me that he ‘wasn’t able to’ save anything for bills and he literally has four dollars in his account. Meaning come the first, ALL of the bill money will be coming out of our savings.”
“He told me, ‘Maybe you need to start looking for a job. My mom will probably watch the baby.'”
“I just didn’t f**king say anything because I know I’m going to explode.”
“His mom came here this morning and he ran it by her (without even getting my approval, which would absolutely be a hard no, because I’m quite certain she’s early stages of Dementia), and she said, ‘No, but I know a daycare that has openings,’ and proceeded to call them and tell them that we want to enroll our daughter.”
The OP lashed out at her mother-in-law (MIL).
“I spoke up and said, no, I was not putting the baby in daycare. I also was not having her watch the baby. It’s not happening and my husband needs to figure it out.”
“My MIL then told me that it was ‘not fair’ that I won’t come up with solutions to help her son, who is clearly ‘struggling.'”
“I snapped. I tell her that it is not my job to come up with solutions for a man who failed me and our child. WE had everything planned. WE had the money. WE figured this out and spent years figuring it out before coming to this point.”
“Now HE is going against the plan. HE decided to quit his job. HE refused to get help when I urged him to. HE didn’t save any of his paychecks for bills. This is on HIM, 100%.”
“Before anyone could respond, I went inside and packed an overnight bag for both me and the baby and told him I’d be going to my mother’s house until he got his s**t together and got his head on straight.”
“He is mostly texting me, saying that he can’t believe I think he is failing us.”
“But his mother is blowing up my phone saying that I’m a dumb [c-word] and that plans change and since I’m married to her son and he’s the ‘only one working’ that he should be the final say in what happens from this point forward.”
The OP at least knew that she had backup plans.
“I’m not throwing my hands up and refusing to work. I WILL go back to work, but if I have to go that route, I will 100% divorce him and stay with my mother and have my mother watch my baby (daycare is not an option).”
“I don’t foresee myself ever forgiving him if I’m forced in to going back to work after we planned this for seven years, simply because he f**ked up everything. I no longer trust him.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain the husband had ulterior motives.
“Okay, he thinks being a stay-at-home parent is easier and he’s gonna burn through your savings then ask to be a stay-at-home dad. This is deliberate. It’s a feature, not a bug!! NTA.” – Scandalicing
“I think there’s more to quitting his job because he was working four hours on Saturday. Is OP completely sure he wasn’t fired/on the verge of being fired (so he quit before that happened) or there wasn’t some mess he did at work and he quit before it spilled and OP discovered it?”
“I have seen so many things that I wouldn’t put it past anyone. Have had coworkers going crazy at work, DV issues, supervisors f**king employees in the facilities, etc., so it seems super suspicious he just up and quit, taking a big pay cut, and refusing to listen to his wife (after being a person that apparently participated in the planning for this baby).”
“I know PPD (Postpartum Depression) is real, but also OP has not mentioned noticing anything else telling her that he may have it, other than he quit his job suddenly for a worse job and refuses to accept that it was a bad financial decision and now wants to penalize the whole family for it.” – 9inkski3s
“I don’t think he quit, he might have been let go.”
“I mean, he was working five days a week and his boss asked him to add a four-hour shift on SOME Saturdays. He ‘quits’ because of that. There’s no way he will work more than five days a week.”
“He then turns around and gets a job that asks him to work six days a week and he agrees to a pay cut doing so?”
“He spends all the money he’s earning at his new job and doesn’t put anything aside for the bills?”
“Something is clearly wrong. You asked him to go see his doctor and he refused. I feel that there is something he is either hiding from you, or you were on the right track and it’s his mental health.”
“No matter what it is, he doesn’t seem to want to get better or do any work to help the situation. He seems to want to rely on you for all of it and for you to compensate for his lack of commitment to your plan.”
“NTA.” – Ambroisie_Cy
“OP, this whole situation is red flags galore, and I can guarantee that he’s hiding something from you.”
“Him deciding to unilaterally quit a job that pays well because his boss asked him to work four hours on a couple Saturdays, only to then take another with a pay cut, where he has to work six whole days AND pay for benefits that you may very well need to use while recovering from giving birth, all of it just doesn’t add up.”
“Also, what did he spend his entire paycheck on that he only has four dollars left to go towards bills? You probably would have seen at least some of the things he spent it on.”
“I’m wondering if something happened at work that caused him to lose his job and also get sued or get blackmailed and he can’t tell you about it because he knows you would leave him over it or he doesn’t want you to worry (though that doesn’t quite add up either).”
“I hate to say this, but is it possible he had an affair with a coworker that turned ugly or ended with him getting fired or being forced to quit? Asking this specifically because married men are most likely to cheat when their wife is pregnant/has just given birth and not having sex with them. Maybe you want to also keep an eye out for other signs or odd things he’s done lately.”
“I would suggest either hiring a lawyer who can do some investigative work on what’s going on or doing some digging and getting the full picture before hiring a lawyer so you have a clear path.” – suri007dragon
Others agreed and took serious issue with the husband and his mother.
“NTA. Your husband failed you in EVERY WAY, went back on his word, quit his job without warning, went crying to his (rude, disrespectful, disgusting) mama, and now he’s upset because you told him the TRUTH??!”
“To be honest, his mother could never enter my house, see her grandchild, or EVER speak to me again if she’d called me the c-word. It almost seems like he planned this given the timing. I’d be done with his lazy crying a**.” – Agitated_Zucchini_82
“NTA, but you need to tell your husband that he CAN NOT put himself first when he has a child. He’s upset because he had to work on a Saturday TWICE?”
“He proved himself untrustworthy when it comes to the really important things. He completely f**ked over y’alls plan without giving two fucks about you or your child.” – Rhubarbalicious
“The husband taking his mom’s side is definitely the final nail in the coffin of the marriage. There is no turning back.”
“My MIL once told me to my face that I needed to change my life and ‘get saved,’ and my ex-husband actually told me that I needed to lighten up and let things go. If he is defending his mom even through her calling you the [c-word], then he will in all likelihood always defend her.” – GeorgiaPeach1973
“NTA. It sounds like he is having a mid-life crisis now that the baby is here, like he is staring down the barrel of the next 18 years and freaked and made an immature and selfish decision.”
“I want to give advice, but because I could have written many parts of this myself, I won’t be objective at all. I will say I was married for 10 years with the plan of being a SAHM, but by the time my kid was two and a half years old, I had to start working part-time, because he wanted to start a business that was risky and expensive.”
“I divorced him 10 years ago and my major regret is not saving my own money. He re-writes the story that I ‘refused to work’ when I worked until the doc put me on bed rest and then the plan was I am a full-time mom because his mom was and that is what he wanted.”
“If you get a job, set up your own stash of money secretly because now you know you can’t trust him and will need a nest egg of your own in case you need to start over alone.”
“Also, a MIL who talked to me that way would be blocked and not allowed around me ever again.” – Fun-Apricot-2921
The subReddit was shocked on the OP’s behalf and were struggling to imagine a scenario where the husband’s behavior could all be explained by simply “quitting” his job and starting a new one.
From an affair to postpartum depression, there were a wide variety of explanations for what was going on and whether or not they were scenarios the OP should see through alongside her baby.
But one thing was certain for all: the mother-in-law did not have the right to treat the OP that way, and if her husband was going to allow it, their marriage might be doomed no matter what.