The holidays are all about spending time with family.
Unless they aren’t.
Some people prefer to avoid family togetherness.
And a wife who wants her husband to clear his schedule during the holidays for her and their children is finding him difficult to nail down.
After he decides to ditch them again, she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
“AITA for refusing to drive my husband to the airport and being upset he is leaving?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Some background, we live on the East Coast and his family lives in Texas (TX). My family lives about 4 hours away. They drive to us for every holiday, birthday, dance recital, etc…”
“We have lived here for roughly 7 years (before that, we lived in TX). His family takes several trips/vacations a year and only once, this past year, came to visit us.”
“Over the 7 years, we have gone to visit them at minimum 1-3 times per year. My husband works out of town about 3 weeks a month so it’s a lot of solo parenting for me.”
“The weekend before Christmas he went with his parents and siblings to OK to visit his grandparents. Myself and my children were unable to go as my daughter had holiday things going on at home she didn’t want to miss.”
“He came home the Monday before Christmas and asked if we could swing a trip to TX after Christmas to see his family and so his dad and he could go to the Alamo bowl. I told him that we unfortunately couldn’t.”
“We really couldn’t swing an unplanned trip financially right now and with wanting to travel so close to the holidays booking prices were extremely high.”
“I also explained to him that our daughter had off of school and all sports this week and that NEVER happens, especially when he is home too, and I really wanted this to be a week for us to all spend together.”
“Especially since he will start traveling for work again on the 2nd of January and will not be home until the last week of January.”
“The day before Christmas Eve, I was out shopping and he texted me saying he knew I was going to be mad but his dad had booked him a flight and bought tickets for himself, my husband, my BIL, and MIL to all go to the game. He would return on the 30th.”
“I got upset because we had already talked about going and I said that we just couldn’t swing it this year. His response was that he ‘knew nothing about this and his dad surprised him with it for a last minute Xmas gift’.”
“I asked him if everything had already been purchased as I would like him to not go. He said yes, and that he was going because it’s something he really wanted to do.”
“We haven’t spoken much since then honestly because I feel very hurt that he doesn’t want to spend time with myself and our children before a long work trip, after he’s just seen his family last week, and would rather spend most of the week with his parents.”
“He says that we could just book flights for myself and our kids to go but we honestly don’t have the money and I’m not maxing out a credit card for an unplanned trip.”
“Tonight he asked me if I will be driving him to the airport tomorrow morning for a 6 am flight.”
“I told him that he will need to book an Uber because I’m not waking our kids up at 3:30 am to drive an hour each way to the airport so that he can go on a trip that I don’t even want him going on.”
“He says that I’m being unreasonable.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Am I the a**hole for refusing to drive him to the airport and making him find an Uber or another ride to the airport because I don’t want him going on the trip or should I be okay with the trip and in turn give him a ride to the airport?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors had zero time for this husband.
“NTA. At this point, would anything really be different if you were a single parent? He’s home one week a month and now that your kids are home for Christmas break, he wants to be gone again for a football game that is a 1 day event.”
“Other than contributing financially, what else is he bringing to the table? When does he make you and your kids a priority? Has he asked for or planned time for just the two of you?”
“Has he ever acknowledged that you do the majority of the parenting, running of the household, upkeep on the house and yard, bill paying, appointments, etc… and thanked you for it or expressed any appreciation?”
“I’m not saying you should make the leap to divorce him, but highlighting the fact that he is absent for so much.”
“From the brief glimpse of your married life you’ve given us, some of these questions may not be fair of me to ask. However, it sounds as if you are extremely frustrated and hurt and that his selfishness is a reoccurring issue.”
“And the fact that his family is willing to buy HIM a plane ticket for a visit, but not you and the kids comes off as rude and hurtful. I’m willing to bet that after the first conversation about the football game, he threw you under the bus and said you weren’t going to let him go.”
“If you can and want to, spend some time with your own family. Or, it sounds like life is busy with sports and activities, so maybe you and the kids would love some pajama days where everyone can relax and watch movies and just chill.”
“However you choose to spend the time your husband is away, please give thought and consideration to what works and doesn’t work in your marriage; what you can compromise on and what you can’t; and what you absolutely NEED from him going forward.”
“He needs to understand this isn’t about a football game or a trip to see his family. It’s about him prioritizing his wants and the desires and whims of his parents over his wife and child.”
“It’s about him literally choosing to NOT spend time with his wife and kids and having Daddy buy him a plane ticket to do it. It’s about his inability to deny himself something he wants for the good of his wife and kids.” ~ melibel24
Reddit was unanimous in declaring the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. But I would begin questioning if my husband wants to be with me at all if he works away 75% of the time, and when he does have time off he chooses to leave.”
“He seems to be living the single life while having a family waiting on him at ‘home’. I put that in quotes because is it even really his home if he’s never there.”
“I think you and hubby need to a serious conversation about your relationship and communication because I doubt he didn’t know about his dad buying his ticket. He brought going on this trip as a family to your attention because he wanted to go.”
“Now he has conveniently found a way to go on his own and made it your choice not to come with. Making it seem like you are choosing not to spend time with him.”
“This feels manipulative; as though he wants to say ‘I tried to spend time with you but you wouldn’t come on the trip’.”
“Does your husband want to be in this relationship? Do you want to continue to be a single parent without being single?”
“Did his dad really pay for him to go on this trip? Why is he so OK with going on a trip to see his mom and dad (that he just visited) and not spend time with the family he has created?”
“You mentioned before you lived in TX; is he regretful/resentful about moving away from TX? How invested is he in the family you and he created when he is never around and takes the first opportunity he has to spend time with you to be away?”
“Why is he unaware of the status of your finances? He should know whether or not you can afford a trip; and behave accordingly.”
“He’s an adult and as a partner to you he should be just as aware as you are of the household finances. That should not be your burden alone.”
“I’m sorry if this seems negative or as though I’m reading more into this than I should but I just don’t understand someone not wanting to be home when 75% of the time they’re already not home.” ~ Foreverforgettable
Most advised OP to ask some hard questions about her marriage.
“NTA. He is choosing to be away from his wife and children on the only week he would naturally be home and then will only be back for what is essentially 2 days if you exclude the days he will be traveling back and leaving (Dec 30 and Jan 2nd) before leaving for another 3 weeks.”
“Are his children even comfortable around him? He is acting like he has no responsibility to your family.”
“I bet he never thinks about how you NEVER get a break. When he is home does he take any load off of you or does he act as if only you can do it because, ‘you know how to do the things that need to be done’?”
“What he is doing is very selfish. I understand wanting to do something exciting. But why couldn’t he have gone to his family this week instead of the week he just had with them, so he could have spent time with you and your children?”
“Why does he think it’s okay to ask you to drive him to the airport forcing you and your children to wake up at an ungodly hour just so he doesn’t have to pay for an Uber? Clearly, your children are young (ie not teens) as you can’t leave them sleeping in their beds.”
“Why does he not want to spend the holidays with you and the children during the holidays so you guys can make memories together? Why are his parents more important than his wife and children? Does he realize how selfish he is being or does he not care?”
“These are questions I would be asking him.”
“The next time he comes back for a week, you should plan a vacation just for yourself.”
“And when he walks in the door, you should walk out with a bag and tell him you’ll see him in a week. When he balks at it tell him it’s his turn to take care of the kids.” ~ Nothankyou45654
“Your husband and his family are telling you everything you need to know through actions. His family takes several trips a year, but over 7 years, they have visited you once.”
“Yet, you have gone to Texas 1-3 times a year for 7 years. You’re alone 3 weeks per month. That’s 36 weeks out of 52 weeks a year, so of the 16 weeks you have your husband, a massive percentage of that time is spent with his family.”
“When you bring up the valid issues with this trip, he demands you make an irresponsible financial decision and when you say no, he goes on the trip anyway. He gets around the financial part by obviously telling his family who then pay for the plane ticket.”
“His family isn’t supporting you. They have undermined you. Your husband is selfish and will do whatever he wants.”
“You’re already a single mom. You’re NTA.”
“You should take your kids and move closer to your family to save them from driving 4 hours for every single holiday, birthday, dance recital, etc… They’re the only ones who actually care about you and your kids.” ~ BaronsDad
Others felt the questions had already been answered.
“NTA. Your husband is telling you an awful lot right now and you need to listen: It doesn’t matter what you decide as a couple, he will do as he pleases.”
“His family of origin means more to him than the family he created with you.”
“He is happy to create a situation where you are put into debt as a family to please himself and his family of origin. He doesn’t want to spend time with you and the family he created with you.”
“He knows you will put the children first and that you wouldn’t go on this trip. The fact he accepted his father paying for him alone, knowing you would not be able to justify going is unreasonable.”
“It’s time to make a plan OP. you are already a single parent the majority of the time, the man you are married to prioritizes other people and his own agenda over you and your children.
“Make your plan and get away. He doesn’t care about you. If he did he would stay with you and your kids.” ~ International-Fee255
The OP hasn’t provided an update, but Reddit sent a clear message that she has bigger problems than her husband’s transportation to the airport.