As much as many of us might not want to admit it, we all want to feel like we belong and to be included in things.
That’s especially true of events with our families and closest friends, empathized the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious-Might-120 had never been close to his stepdad, and his wife and children shared that same sentiment about his stepdad, though his stepdad was still classy enough to include them on trips.
But when he didn’t invite them for his sixtieth birthday trip, going all the way to Egypt, the Original Poster (OP) was surprised when his wife was furious and demanded that they be included for that trip, as well.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for not standing up for my family when we were excluded from a family vacation?”
The OP and his family were not close to the OP’s stepfather.
“My mom and her husband are quite well off. When they travel, they want the best of everything.”
“They understand it isn’t affordable for everyone, so in the past when they wanted to do a family trip, they would pay for my sisters and me.”
“I’m the oldest of three, and my mom’s husband isn’t my father (but he is my siblings’ father).”
“We don’t get along and don’t really speak, but we maintain a civil relationship for my mother’s sake.”
“My children call him by his first name and really don’t interact with him, either.”
When the stepfather didn’t invite them on a trip to Egypt, the OP wasn’t all that surprised.
“I’m aware he would probably prefer that we never came on family trips, but he would also never put my mom in that position.”
“We recently found out that my family is doing a huge trip to Egypt for his 60th birthday in October.”
“We were not included, which I think makes sense as we have no relationship with this man, and this isn’t a normal family vacation.”
The OP and his wife were at odds about being included on the trip.
“My wife is furious. She says we are being snubbed, my mom is playing favorites with the grandkids, and that I need to stand up to them.”
“I told them he is perfectly polite on family trips and is allowed to spend his birthday with his wife and children, not some people he doesn’t even speak to.”
“I pointed out when my mom turned 50 a couple of years ago, we were treated to an incredible trip.”
“She began to tear up and said it was awful that my sisters’ kids would have this experience and ours wouldn’t.”
“I absolutely refuse to say anything to my family. It feels entitled when I’ve never even wished this man a happy birthday.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some applauded the OP for his respectable perspective on the situation.
“NTA. I think you have a healthy view of the situation.”
“While it does suck that you aren’t included on this trip, it is specifically for his birthday, and they have included you in other trips. If it were to celebrate your mom, it. would be different.” – NoImagination7892
“It’s all about balance: respecting boundaries while appreciating the generosity shown in the past. Not every trip is for everyone. NTA.” – johnmrjohnjohn
“Your stepdad isn’t your kids’ grandpa. He’s not viewed as one on either end. Stepfamilies all have unique relationships, and that’s okay because it’s not a one-size-fits-all situation.”
“Your kids aren’t being left out of anything. Their cousins are celebrating their grandpa’s birthday. Your kids don’t even see your stepdad as their grandpa. It’s almost like when your full cousins do family stuff with the other side of their family.” – the-hound-abides
“How did your Mom’s husband’s birthday become about your wife and family? Your Mom isn’t playing favorites, she is planning a birthday celebration for her husband.”
“It’s simply not about you. It’s all about him and celebrating his 60 years on this planet. It’s one trip.”
“What exactly would you stand up for? Your right to free vacations?”
“NTA.” – Alarming_Reply_6286
“OP is correct.”
“His wife seems to be worried about their kids’ perception of not being loved as much as the other grandkids. Depending on how old the children are, they may be mature enough to understand the situation, but that does not negate what they feel in regard to being left out on a great adventure in Egypt.”
“I do understand, but my heart hurts for the kids who are going to be forced to listen to their cousins regaling the stories about the trip.”
“NTA.” – ex-carney
Others were concerned by how the OP’s wife’s behavior could impact her family.
“His wife is absolutely determined to never get a free fancy trip again. OP, don’t let her mess this up for your family. Throwing a fit about her step-FIL’s birthday party would be a GREAT way to do just that.” – maroongrad
“Being competitive is not always good. In all fairness, your kids are not his grandkids.”
“Be careful, your wife sounds too confrontational, and I don’t think she’s doing it only for the kids’ sake, but for hers. She can risk your relationship with your family if she starts making comments about it.”
“Also, I think your kids should understand the situation. Sadly, they can be used as pawns. If they are able to understand they don’t have a relationship with him, they should be fine.”
“You have a really mature understanding of the situation, but you need your wife to understand it’s better to respect spaces and boundaries. He deserves to spend his birthday with the people he wants.” – Lazy_Lingonberry5977
“Yes, going to Egypt would be a great experience for your kids. But there are also great experiences in every country, and every area. If this is something she wants the kids to have, then set it as a goal, make an account, slowly save, and take them yourselves. Not every trip will be paid for.”
“I do better financially than my sister. I used to do cruises with my parents a lot and my parents would pay for her kids. She still hasn’t been on one. One time they offered to pay for her. Her bum she was with said that if they didn’t pay for him and he had to stay home, she couldn’t go. She listened.”
“They would have paid for me that trip. Her bum wanted me to have them use what they’d use on me on him and me and my husband, once again, and cover the full costs. I told my mom I was paying for me and if my sis wasn’t coming and to use the money she didn’t use on us to do another vacation. I probably wouldn’t have accepted her paying for me even if she paid for my sister.”
“At the time, we had an account for our side business that paid more than either of our nine-to-five jobs. So we could afford it. I really wanted my sister to go. But the bum needed to not come. Unless we could push him into the jungles of Belize knowing he’d get kidnapped (wink). Sorry, no love for a man who cheated on her and towards the end, cracked a coffee mug over my nephew’s head.”
“The OP needs to be careful so that the family doesn’t start to feel the way we felt about that bum about his wife. NTA.” – Alycion
“NTA.”
“Nip this in the bud with your wife. It would definitely be entitled to you all. You are in the right, OP.”
“She needs to come to terms with that over the coming years, your mom’s husband might continue to do things for HIS children and grandchildren that you and your children won’t be involved in because he isn’t your dad.”
“It’s an in-law thing. He is your mom’s husband, not your stepdad, essentially from what I’m understanding in your post. She needs to not sulk on this or dare bring it up with this man or your mom, or act resentful, or mention this to your children either.”
“You all will need to come up with the ‘correct speech/line’ to say to your kids if they ask why their cousins get to go to certain things and they don’t. Depending on your kids’ ages, you need to find something that conveys the message that your stepdad is their cousins’ biological grandpa and so they do certain things together because they are his grandchildren. You all join in when it’s for grandma’s special occasions/birthdays. Family dynamics are part of life and every family has different ones.”
“Something along those lines depending on what you all want to convey. You and your wife need to decide the answers so that your wife sticks to a non-judgmental line for years to come and they come to accept it without resentment.” – Mandaloriana_2022
“NTA. They are going for his birthday, not a regular family trip.”
“If you guys want to work on the relationship with your mom’s husband, start working on it. Plain and simple.”
“Expecting a free trip to a man’s birthday you don’t see as family is entitled. It sucks because you guys have family in common, but life isn’t fair. Everything is not equal for everyone.”
“Your wife needs to get a grip.” – Top-Customer1055
While the subReddit could understand wanting to go to Egypt and be treated like the rest of the family, they also argued that they needed to act like family first if they wanted to be treated like one.
They applauded the OP for being so reasonable about this, while they also hoped that his wife’s entitlement would not damage their relationship with their family even further.