*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.
Perhaps the most challenging element of grief is that we have no control over it.
Grief will hit us at moments when we least expect it.
Often making our daily routines seem like insurmountable challenges.
Sometimes, even looming over us before we actually have anything to grieve.
The husband of Redditor Agile_Walk_4010 was having in the midst of a very challenging time with his father.
While the original poster (OP) was doing her very best to be sympathetic to her husband, she found herself challenged and frustrated by his lack of presence in their family.
Particularly as the OP was expecting their second child through all this.
Wondering if her frustration was justified, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not being more supportive while my FIL is about to die?”
The OP explained the sad and frustrating situation she found herself in with her husband:
“Sorry if this is too long, I just don’t want to miss any context.”
“My FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer back in September.”
“We knew he had less than a year.”
“Since then, my husband has spent every single night FaceTiming his dad while I’d chase after our toddler by myself for most of the evening.”
“Our weekends were spent at his parents’ house (they live 2 hours away across the border in Canada).”
“So we’ve essentially spent 0 time alone together for 6 months, and most evenings I feel like a single mother.”
“Throughout this time, his father is just slowing decaying.”
“He needs way more attention and care than my toddler.”
“So, when we visit, I am alone with my child again while my husband, his mother, and his sisters are all tending to his father.”
“Before his father got sick, we were talking about trying for baby #2.”
“I wanted to wait until his father passed, because selfishly I was thinking of what a difficult time it would be to be pregnant while chasing after a toddler alone, my husband grieving, the whole family grieving, etc.”
“My reasoning to my husband was I didn’t want him to feel torn between two families, and when I’m pregnant, I will need him with us, but right now his father needs him.”
“He insisted everything would be fine, and finally I caved and got pregnant in January.”
“All that said, his father has decided to end his life this coming Monday.”
“My husband is not handling it well, and is already grieving a loss that hasn’t happened yet.”
“He does not handle loss well.”
“Yesterday and today he has asked me to leave work early to go pickup our daughter so he can go home and drown in his sorrows.”
“This weekend and all of next week, I fully anticipate doing everything on my own and leaving him be, because I can’t tell someone how to grieve.”
“My problem right now, and where I might be an AH, is I’m arguing with him for grieving ‘in advance’ before it has even happened yet, and he swore to me months ago (when I didn’t want to get pregnant yet) that I wouldn’t be left to pick up the pieces.”
“Now he’s telling me I’m not being understanding or sympathetic when he’s about to lose his father.”
“So, AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While everyone agreed that the OP was in a sad and unfair position, they were somewhat divided as to whether or not she was the a**hole for wanting more help and support from her husband.
Some felt that there were no a**holes in this situation, agreeing that the OP had a right to be frustrated, but at the same time, her husband couldn’t control his grief:
“This is a tough one.”
“You are absolutely right in that he pushed for the pregnancy, promised you wouldn’t be on your own, and is not holding up his end of the bargain.”
“But a long, drawn-out end-of-life scenario is something you can’t really prepare for emotionally until it happens to you.”
“It’s most likely he did mean what he said, but just isn’t able to meet his end of the agreement right now.”
“It’s possible that having this time to prepare for it will help him recover more quickly afterward.”
“Either way, he’s speaking from a place of immense pain right now, and you’re speaking from a place of exhaustion.”
“I actually think this is NAH here because you’re both under so much extra stress.”
“Can you at least get a few hour’s break over the weekend?”
“Maybe he can take the toddler to his family this weekend, and you can stay home and rest.”
“Give them some space for their grief.”
“Or find a sitter for a day and let him go alone.”
“I hope your family and extended family find peace soon and that you get some much-needed rest time.”- Puzzleheaded-Age-240
“TBH NAH.”
“Your husband is going through a major trauma and life event.”
“I understand how difficult it must be for you to handle a lot of stuff on your own.”
“It’s got to be extremely frustrating and exhausting, I feel for you.”
“Do you have other family or friends you can lean on during this time?”
“But saying he can’t grieve before it’s even happened?”
“Grief doesn’t work like that.”
“And I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you already had reservations about being pregnant again when your husband was going through all this, why did you agree to get pregnant again?”
“You absolutely should not have caved and should’ve held firm.”
“Your husband is obviously in an emotional state and cannot make good decisions; having another baby shouldn’t have even been on the table.”- icerguy0211
Others felt that the OP needed to be much more sympathetic to her husband, as his grieving his father’s impending death was as bad or worse than grieving a loss:
“YTA.”
“Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean anything.”
“Your husband knows he is going to be losing his father very soon and is trying to prepare for that.”
“Having advance notice of his father’s death just gives him more time to grieve.”- 19Kitten85
“YTA.”
“I get that you’re overwhelmed with taking care of your toddler by yourself.”
“But what your husband and his family are going through is horrible and not something I would wish on anyone.”
“Yet you seem to be dismissing his grief and acting judgmental about how he grieves.”
“On top of that, you knew darn well conceiving a child in the midst of this was a bad idea, but went along with it anyway.”
“You absolutely should’ve shut that idea down.”
“You are partly to blame for the situation you find yourself in.”- Sneezydiva3
“YTA.”
“Kinda for giving him sh*t about grieving in advance.”
“That’s what happens, and you can’t stop it.”
“The other side of the coin is when you spend all that time with a terminally ill person, and you do a lot of grieving when they finally die, it can come as more of a relief than anything else.”
“He should still be helping you, though, and taking care of his responsibilities better.”
“This is time he is missing with his toddler.”
“Saying all that, though, you should probably try to give him a break.”
“Right now, he is flooded with the reality of the situation.”
“Something he has been able to ignore until now.”
“Sure, you know he’s Terminal, but until you see the end coming, whether by choice or circumstance, it can hit pretty hard.”
“Which is why he is pre-upset.”
“Just be there for him as best you can, and hopefully, when it’s your turn with the sh*t stick, he will be there for you.”- blavek
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone for sharing their opinions and sharing that there might be other circumstances contributing to their added stress:
“I appreciate all of the criticisms, truly.”
“Upon further reflection, I’ve realized this stems from my job.”
“Since this diagnosis, I’ve been demoted and later ‘warned’ about missing so much work.”
“I’m terrified at the thought of losing my job while pregnant with a second baby.”
“Perhaps my priorities are out of whack, but it’s a very real fear, and it’s driving me to be resentful, which is absolutely misplaced.”
“I’m not going to bash my husband, but we have literally argued about my feeling sick (due to pregnancy) and not watching our daughter closely enough while he’s on a FT call.”
“Little things like this have also played a role in my anxiety and stress.”
“Also, I didn’t include any notes of ‘having sympathy’ overall for my husband, my in-laws, or my dear FIL because I didn’t think it was relevant to the question I was posing.”
“I guess my tone made me sound a lot worse.”
This is a truly unenviable situation for everyone involved.
One can only hope that everyone in the OP’s family finds the strength and comfort they need.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp