*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.
Perhaps the most challenging element of grief is that we have no control over it.
Grief will hit us at moments when we least expect it.
Often making our daily routines seem like insurmountable challenges.
Sometimes, even looming over us before we actually have anything to grieve.
The husband of Redditor Agile_Walk_4010 was having in the midst of a very challenging time with his father.
While the original poster (OP) was doing her very best to be sympathetic to her husband, she found herself challenged and frustrated by his lack of presence in their family.
Particularly as the OP was expecting their second child through all this.
Wondering if her frustration was justified, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not being more supportive while my FIL is about to die?"
The OP explained the sad and frustrating situation she found herself in with her husband:
"Sorry if this is too long, I just don't want to miss any context."
"My FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer back in September."
"We knew he had less than a year."
"Since then, my husband has spent every single night FaceTiming his dad while I'd chase after our toddler by myself for most of the evening."
"Our weekends were spent at his parents' house (they live 2 hours away across the border in Canada)."
"So we've essentially spent 0 time alone together for 6 months, and most evenings I feel like a single mother."
"Throughout this time, his father is just slowing decaying."
"He needs way more attention and care than my toddler."
"So, when we visit, I am alone with my child again while my husband, his mother, and his sisters are all tending to his father."
"Before his father got sick, we were talking about trying for baby #2."
"I wanted to wait until his father passed, because selfishly I was thinking of what a difficult time it would be to be pregnant while chasing after a toddler alone, my husband grieving, the whole family grieving, etc."
"My reasoning to my husband was I didn't want him to feel torn between two families, and when I'm pregnant, I will need him with us, but right now his father needs him."
"He insisted everything would be fine, and finally I caved and got pregnant in January."
"All that said, his father has decided to end his life this coming Monday."
"My husband is not handling it well, and is already grieving a loss that hasn't happened yet."
"He does not handle loss well."
"Yesterday and today he has asked me to leave work early to go pickup our daughter so he can go home and drown in his sorrows."
"This weekend and all of next week, I fully anticipate doing everything on my own and leaving him be, because I can't tell someone how to grieve."
"My problem right now, and where I might be an AH, is I'm arguing with him for grieving 'in advance' before it has even happened yet, and he swore to me months ago (when I didn't want to get pregnant yet) that I wouldn't be left to pick up the pieces."
"Now he's telling me I'm not being understanding or sympathetic when he's about to lose his father."
"So, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While everyone agreed that the OP was in a sad and unfair position, they were somewhat divided as to whether or not she was the a**hole for wanting more help and support from her husband.
Some felt that there were no a**holes in this situation, agreeing that the OP had a right to be frustrated, but at the same time, her husband couldn't control his grief:
"This is a tough one."
"You are absolutely right in that he pushed for the pregnancy, promised you wouldn't be on your own, and is not holding up his end of the bargain."
"But a long, drawn-out end-of-life scenario is something you can't really prepare for emotionally until it happens to you."
"It's most likely he did mean what he said, but just isn't able to meet his end of the agreement right now."
"It's possible that having this time to prepare for it will help him recover more quickly afterward."
"Either way, he's speaking from a place of immense pain right now, and you're speaking from a place of exhaustion."
"I actually think this is NAH here because you're both under so much extra stress."
"Can you at least get a few hour's break over the weekend?"
"Maybe he can take the toddler to his family this weekend, and you can stay home and rest."
"Give them some space for their grief."
"Or find a sitter for a day and let him go alone."
"I hope your family and extended family find peace soon and that you get some much-needed rest time."- Puzzleheaded-Age-240
"TBH NAH."
"Your husband is going through a major trauma and life event."
"I understand how difficult it must be for you to handle a lot of stuff on your own."
"It's got to be extremely frustrating and exhausting, I feel for you."
"Do you have other family or friends you can lean on during this time?"
"But saying he can't grieve before it's even happened?"
"Grief doesn't work like that."
"And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you already had reservations about being pregnant again when your husband was going through all this, why did you agree to get pregnant again?"
"You absolutely should not have caved and should've held firm."
"Your husband is obviously in an emotional state and cannot make good decisions; having another baby shouldn't have even been on the table."- icerguy0211
Others felt that the OP needed to be much more sympathetic to her husband, as his grieving his father's impending death was as bad or worse than grieving a loss:
"YTA."
"Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean anything."
"Your husband knows he is going to be losing his father very soon and is trying to prepare for that."
"Having advance notice of his father's death just gives him more time to grieve."- 19Kitten85
"YTA."
"I get that you're overwhelmed with taking care of your toddler by yourself."
"But what your husband and his family are going through is horrible and not something I would wish on anyone."
"Yet you seem to be dismissing his grief and acting judgmental about how he grieves."
"On top of that, you knew darn well conceiving a child in the midst of this was a bad idea, but went along with it anyway."
"You absolutely should've shut that idea down."
"You are partly to blame for the situation you find yourself in."- Sneezydiva3
"YTA."
"Kinda for giving him sh*t about grieving in advance."
"That's what happens, and you can't stop it."
"The other side of the coin is when you spend all that time with a terminally ill person, and you do a lot of grieving when they finally die, it can come as more of a relief than anything else."
"He should still be helping you, though, and taking care of his responsibilities better."
"This is time he is missing with his toddler."
"Saying all that, though, you should probably try to give him a break."
"Right now, he is flooded with the reality of the situation."
"Something he has been able to ignore until now."
"Sure, you know he's Terminal, but until you see the end coming, whether by choice or circumstance, it can hit pretty hard."
"Which is why he is pre-upset."
"Just be there for him as best you can, and hopefully, when it's your turn with the sh*t stick, he will be there for you."- blavek
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone for sharing their opinions and sharing that there might be other circumstances contributing to their added stress:
"I appreciate all of the criticisms, truly."
"Upon further reflection, I've realized this stems from my job."
"Since this diagnosis, I've been demoted and later 'warned' about missing so much work."
"I'm terrified at the thought of losing my job while pregnant with a second baby."
"Perhaps my priorities are out of whack, but it's a very real fear, and it's driving me to be resentful, which is absolutely misplaced."
"I'm not going to bash my husband, but we have literally argued about my feeling sick (due to pregnancy) and not watching our daughter closely enough while he's on a FT call."
"Little things like this have also played a role in my anxiety and stress."
"Also, I didn't include any notes of 'having sympathy' overall for my husband, my in-laws, or my dear FIL because I didn't think it was relevant to the question I was posing."
"I guess my tone made me sound a lot worse."
This is a truly unenviable situation for everyone involved.
One can only hope that everyone in the OP's family finds the strength and comfort they need.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp