Is it OK to hide things from your spouse?
What if the thing you’re hiding is about your shared offspring?
Reddit user Responsible_Fudge_62 recently had a pretty significant disagreement with his wife over their son, and turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to see if he really was the one being unreasonable.
He asked Redditors:
“AITA for hiding from my wife the reason why our son got kicked out of a restaurant?”
The Original Poster (OP) began with an explanation of the situation leading to the argument.
“Our son told me the truth but did not tell her because he was afraid of his mom’s reaction. Ordinarily I would have told my wife but the situation ultimately was a misunderstanding and something I was able to quickly resolve with the restaurant owner.”
“He and his friends had gone out to eat at this place, and apparently my son decided to make a joke and hit on their waitress. Others said things too but his was the one that upset her and resulting in her telling the owner.”
“It wasn’t a bad joke or what I’d consider sexist, but it was in poor taste. When she told the owner, he got upset and asked the boys to leave.”
“They were all embarrassed and told us that they left because they weren’t feeling well instead of the real reason. At least at first.”
“My son told me what really happened, and one of his friends ended up also telling his mom the truth after she questioned his story.”
“By the time he confessed, I’d already talked with my son and the owner of the restaurant and worked things out. My son and the rest of the boys aren’t banned from the restaurant and everything is fine now.”
“I saw no need to involve my wife in this because she would have escalated this when our son was already embarrassed and had learned his lesson. There wasn’t anything else to say or do.”
OP’s wife took great exception to being left out of the whole situation, and with the way that OP handled things.
“My wife disagrees and thinks I am the a**hole for hiding the truth from her and for enabling our son’s sexism, as she puts it.”
“She doesn’t think I’ve actually done anything except teach him that he can say and do what he wants without consequences.”
“This is because I didn’t punish him and convinced the restaurant owner to ‘look the other way.’ In this case I didn’t feel more needed to be said or done because what he said wasn’t that bad and he seemed sorry.”
“Now that the other parents know what happened everyone is split. Most of the dads agree with me and have similar views while the moms are taking the same view as my wife.”
“So am I the a**hole?”
The OP then revealed the nature of the son’s joke.
“Since some are asking for the joke, the waitress they had was Indian, so my son said that he no longer felt like he was in the mood for Italian and wanted [Indian] instead.”
“He then asked her if she could help him with that.”
“I know that some of the other boys made comments too, but I don’t know what they said exactly. Her main complaint was about my son’s comments.”
“I don’t think they were technically banned in the sense of being asked never to come back. I just confirmed and made sure with the restaurant owner that they could [come back] since my wife and I also eat there with our kids.”
“A few of the moms have made their boys go back and apologize. I didn’t.”
OP’s fellow Redditors were then asked to judge who’s in the wrong based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors were firmly of the opinion that OP was definitely the a**hole in this situation.
“You’re raising the guy that none of us want to date. If they were asked to leave, then I promise you it wasn’t ‘not that bad’.”
“Great. Yet another contribution of a guy that has no respect for women and sees us only a sex object. YTA” –kindlefan12
“YTA. Sexual harassment is determined by how the victim perceives it, not how the comment was intended.”
“If the waitress was bothered, then it was bad enough, and it certainly seems like you are enabling by ‘smoothing things over’. The owner may suck too if he agreed without ensuring his employee would be ok with it, but we can’t know if he did that.”
“You should have let your wife be involved in what should have been an important life lesson for your son.”
“In this context, the perception of the waitress was absolutely critical. And after OP edited his post to include the comment, that stands. Perhaps that could have been worded a bit better, so that part is on me.”
“To those that have commented that something like a wave could be harassment, no, it would not. See the section on what a ‘reasonable person’ would perceive.”
“Yes, anyone can claim to be offended by anything, but saying hello would not get you fired, or banned from a restaurant. Making a comment like OP’s son definitely fits.” –LAKingsofMetal
Many also pointed out that OP’s son was very definitely in the wrong for his sexist and racist attempt at a joke.