Striking a healthy work-life balance can be really hard.
And once a couple is ready to take their next big step together, it can be difficult to find a way to balance all the changes.
One couple on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit was struggling with their transition into their forever home.
Redditor Upbeat_History_9761 and her husband couldn’t see eye-to-eye on how to handle the next step.
She received so much pushback from her husband, the Original Poster (OP) began to second-guess herself.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for expecting my husband to give up time on his only day off?”
The OP and her husband recently went through some struggles.
“My husband (40 [male]) and I (35 [female]) have both dug in our heals, so sure that we are right and the other is wrong. We need a third-party perspective on this.”
“I work a high stress, at least 40 hours a week job, with very little manual labor, but a lot of frantic ‘it’s on me to get this done now’ moments.”
“Hubby works a physically demanding job, mostly outside, that taxes the body but not the mind.”
“He was working part-time, 6 hour days, 4 days a week, but was recently promoted and now works 8-10 hour days, 6 days a week. He wants to lead by example and so sets a grueling pace for himself as far as physical labor goes.”
“That started about 3 weeks ago and he is still getting used to the new routine. He gets off work utterly exhausted, sometimes barely able to walk.”
“I have taken on all of the household chores at this time, as well as providing meals and running all errands.”
“I’m hoping things will settle down and he’ll find a good rhythm that won’t leave him completely drained, but for now, I’m willing to sacrifice to give him time to adjust.”
The OP and her husband weren’t sure how to add more to their workload.
“The issue is, we are in the middle of buying a house and it completely consumes what little free time I have.”
“The market is terrible in our area so we are trying to buy a property and build a home. This is a lot of work, coordinating between the loan officer, contractors, and realtor.”
“He is barely involved, basically just looking at a few pictures and saying yes or no. Most days he is too tired to do even that.”
They couldn’t see eye-to-eye on how to make it work.
“Neither of us has time during the workweek to go look at properties or tour model homes. I want to spend a few hours on the weekend getting it done. He absolutely refuses to ‘give up his day off’.”
“In other words, he thinks he deserves an entire day to do whatever he wants with absolutely zero obligations.”
“I pointed out that I don’t get ‘a day off’ since I always have more to do than time to do it. He claims that I have no idea how hard his job is and I don’t need a day off because I don’t do physical labor.”
“I fire back that I am under constant stress which is also exhausting, yet I still make time because this is important.”
“I think he is an AH for just expecting me to do everything and refusing to be involved in the biggest decision of our lives.”
“He thinks I’m an AH for trying to force him to do even more when he is already pushing himself to the brink. He wants me to set up everything for the house and have him just come in at the end for final approval.”
“So Reddit, am I an AH for pushing him to give up a few hours on his only day off and wanting him to share in some of the burdens?”
“I just don’t see how he deserves to have his job be the only thing he has to do and everything else should fall on me.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were against the husband for pushing everything on the OP.
“He’s the AH here for pushing everything on you. It’s his decision to put his work ahead of your relationship and it seems he can’t cope with it for now and do other things, especially putting time aside for things that you both should do together.”
“The fact that you’re doing everything else in the household in addition to working a full week is quite frankly more than enough effort on your part. If he can’t handle the load at work and also contribute to the home, then he needs to tone down his work a bit so that he can.”
“Mental fatigue is also fatigue and if he doesn’t understand that then he’s being massively inconsiderate, and if he’s pushing himself that hard at work then he’s destroying his body long term as he’s overworking it physically.”
“Consider calling off the construction of a new home for now until you both have the ability to spend time together doing it and if he refuses that then consider doing it alone, but do tell him that he won’t have a say in your choices afterwards.” – AutomatedBoredom
“He can just be an adult and spend a couple of hours on his day off helping his wife.”
“She already does literally everything else, while still working full time, and she’s not getting a whole day off to do absolutely nothing. Why should she also have to make extra work by getting creative with their living situation and rehome their dogs?!” – macaroniandmilk
“So basically, if you don’t do all of this on your own, you won’t have a roof over your heads. NTA. Adulting sucks sometimes, and sometimes you don’t get “days off”. It is what it is.” – Murakami_Ysera
“‘My husband thinks I’m the AH for expecting him to do literally anything with regard to the home we currently share (for which I do 100% of the work) and for the new home we are buying (for which he also wants me to do 100% of the work), because he has voluntarily chosen, as the boss, to set a grueling work pace that everyone hates, including him.'” – PantsuitNation2020
Others were concerned at what the husband was doing to himself.
“Yeah, he’s not just being an asshole to his wife. He’s being an asshole to all of his subordinates, too. He’s trying to push everyone to work to the point of exhaustion. He’s a majot asshole and needs to figure out a better work life balance.” – GoddessArtemis85
“This is profoundly unsustainable and unhealthy. As a recovering workaholic, it has taken me many years to learn that if you are maxed out to the degree that you’re only able to keep functioning if nothing goes wrong / needs attention (illness, injury, housing issues, family etc) then you are already way, way out of balance, because 1) we need space in our lives for things other than work and 2) something will always go wrong.” – Jetztinberlin
“Yeah… like, this is how you end up having to retire on disability in your forties.” – calliatom
The OP later shared an update about how she and her husband compromised on their house hunt.
“Thank you everyone for taking the time to judge. I honestly thought it would be overwhelmingly NTA, but it seems to be a good mix. This has been a very humbling experience.”
“So I showed my husband some of the more thoughtful responses and we used that as a springboard to talk it out.”
“He now gets his one day to use as he sees fit.”
“The day off I have, but he works, is my day to relax. He will handle dinner and clean up on that day because it is important that I take a break from all of this as well.”
“We’ve agreed on 1 hour, every other workday, that he contributes to the house hunt.”
“He will also be doing laundry because it is my least favorite chore but he doesn’t mind it and it’s simple.”
Though they have a difficult road ahead of them, it sounds like this couple is on their personal road to success.
It’s great when someone who asks for advice is actually ready to listen to it and use it.