Everyone operates at different levels of cleanliness, ranging from living in squalor to living in a home that looks like it’s never seen a speck of dirt in its life.
While cleaning in and of itself is morally neutral, it can have a real impact on a person’s relationships, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Limp-Cryptographer26 prepared to go on a camping trip with her child by completely cleaning her house, so it would be easier for her husband to work overtime while she was gone.
But when she returned and discovered he had done nothing to help keep it clean, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled by his disrespect.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to come home until my house is back to the state I left it in?”
The OP was going to take her child on a week-long camping trip.
“I (36 female) had to take my child (11) to camp last week. We left on a Friday and returned home this last Friday.”
“My husband (38 male) was not able to get the time off of work so he stayed home.”
“This is not new for us, typically we switch years on which parent will take time off to go. This is our last year having to have a parent attend, since our child will be leveling up next year and won’t need a guardian present.”
The OP prepared the home for her time away.
“Before I left, I cleaned the house, made a few freezer meals (I don’t trust him in the kitchen as he can’t cook to save his life, not a problem for me).”
“I generally just wanted to make things easier as he was going to pick up a lot of overtime while we were gone.”
“No big deal, and yes, he normally takes on 50% of the chores. The only thing extra he had to do was water my garden and send a package out for me.”
The OP was shocked when she arrived back home.
“Well, we went to camp. It was a blast, but I was so ready to be home after.”
“When we got home Friday evening, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The house was a wreck. I honestly don’t know how it got to that level in a week.”
“He hadn’t done a single thing while we were gone. My garden hadn’t been watered, the package hadn’t been sent, and the living room and kitchen looked like a hurricane had gone through them.”
The OP detailed more of what the house looked like in a comment.
“There are snack wrappers and water bottles all over the living room. There are clothes strung throughout the house, and dirty dishes everywhere.”
“The sink is full, and the counters have something sticky all over them. There are coffee grounds and spilled coffee all around the coffee pot.”
“There’s mud tracked through the house. The floor has trash and doesn’t look like it’s been swept. And the bathroom is just disgusting.”
The OP didn’t want to stick around in the mess.
“I was beyond mad and packed our child and me some clean clothes and checked into a hotel.”
“When my husband got home, he messaged me, asking where we were.”
“I told him a hotel and that we were staying until the house was back to how I had left it.”
“He complained, saying it wasn’t that bad and he needed help to clean half of it because that was both of our jobs.”
“I told him I didn’t make half the mess, so I wasn’t cleaning it.”
“It quickly devolved into a huge fight where he thinks I’m the AH for not doing my half of the chores when I got home.”
“AITA here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the husband to be disrespectful and entitled.
“NTA – He’s just shown that he views you as a maid and doesn’t respect your home. You’re completely in the right to ask him to make it look presentable.”
“To not do a couple of jobs you asked or even frantically whip round the night before just so it looks like something has been done is a bit s**tty.”
“Stand your ground! If he doesn’t want to do it, does he want to hire a cleaner?” – TheObvi0us13
“He’s proven he’s not capable of maintaining his own home. If he’s so concerned with image, he’ll step up and clean the house himself.”
“It’s not rocket science to run a dish under hot soapy water and wipe it off then put it away, or run a vacuum cleaner over the floor. It’s not even look-it-up-on-YouTube-level.”
“Weaponized incompetence to a strong level.” – ScorchieSong
“He didn’t even at least ask nicely if she’d help, or ask at all. He just assumed she’d come home and clean for him.”
“I struggle majorly to keep up with the tidying, and it’s something I’m working on finding strategies to help, but if this happened to me, I’d be extremely apologetic.”
“Like, ‘I’m so sorry, I let it get away from me and now I’m overwhelmed and unsure where to start. I’ll clean up the bulk of it now, but can you please help me organize a bit when you come home?'”
“That said, I wouldn’t even let it get to this point. I would have either tidied the bulk the day before my wife got home, or been honest about the mess via text or phone call before she got home, so it’s not a surprise. And I would have then gone straight to tidying when I got home from work that day.” – personaluna
“Also, the fact that OP still has the child makes it SO MUCH EASIER for the husband to clean.”
“Imagine if OP dropped off the child and just left. Like does the husband not have any pride as a father? Does he not feel embarrassed?”
“NTA and stand your ground on this. There is ZERO excuse.” – brandonbluntly
“NTA.”
“WHO REFUSES TO CLEAN THEIR OWN HOME!? THEIR CHILD’S ACTUAL HOUSE!?”
“Honestly, he did it on purpose because he expected you would do it.”
“It sounds to me like perhaps you do more than you realize, if he is pretending he cannot see muck and filth and admit he’s been neglectful and lazy.”
“That sounds too close to weaponized incompetence and like he thinks guilting you into cleaning up after him is normal.”
“Good luck. He sounds s**tty.” – beatricefox_
“I’m impressed that he doesn’t think it’s that bad but needs help to clean it up.”
“Pick a side, dude. If it ain’t that bad, do it yourself.” – PandasNPenguins
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP had done “her half” before going on the trip.
“Nope, NTA.”
“He had a few tasks to complete, plus maintain the level of cleanliness that you had created when you left a week ago. He’s a grown-a** man that can be accountable for his own actions, and clean up after himself.”
“You did ‘your half’ before you left.”
“(The only thing I’m going to ask that might change my perspective is: How is he feeling? Like mental-health-wise? Is he dealing with depression or grief or ADHD? Those are things that might involve you cutting him some slack on, but if this is standard for him, no dice.)” – _neontangles
“NTA.”
“If you both do 50% of the chores, then how did he trash 100% of the house? In one week?”
“For him to trash the house in your absence and still expect you to do ‘half’ the work to clean it- major entitlement issues on his part.”
“And for him to say cleaners are a waste of money, he comes across as someone who thinks domestic duties are beneath him. Can’t cook, won’t clean, won’t pay a cleaner, and expects you to clean his mess.”
“He needs to grow up. Weaponized incompetence.” – Kylie754
“He didn’t do 50% of the cleaning and cooking before she left. That was all her trying to make his life easier, and as a thank you, he trashed the place and expects her to come home and clean.”
“NTA, OP, but your husband has serious entitlement issues. He’s acting like a 14-year-old refusing to clean his room.” – Remarkable-Cat-3668
“OP already did ‘half’ of the cleaning before she left. Since husband decided to trash the house, now it’s his turn to clean it up.” – Meaning-Exotic
“It sounds to me like OP does her best to make her hubby’s life easier, while her husband is very, ‘I will only do 50%, tops.’ Whatever that 50% is to him.” – InternationalAd6614
“I’m the same but even I wouldn’t get the house to this state in just a week, especially if he was working OT (overtime) and was hardly home.”
“Maybe the bedroom being a mess of dirty clothes everywhere, maybe sink full of dirty dishes, but for the entire house to be a disaster?”
“And then to demand the wife has to help pick it up? No.”
“If the husband has ADHD or something similar, it’s not his fault things got out of control but is absolutely his fault for putting in zero effort to make a dent in it the night before they were getting home.”
“And he’s definitely the AH for getting p**sed that OP won’t clean up his mess.” – anndor
While going to a hotel right after arriving at home might seem like a drastic move, the subReddit agreed that was the statement the OP needed to make to her husband.
Not only had she completed 100% of the home tasks to make the time away as easy for her husband as possible while he worked overtime, but him trying to blame her for not cleaning up after him after the fact was nothing short of unacceptable.