There’s no denying that it’s kind to do tasks for other people so they don’t have to do them, especially during a complicated time like bringing a newborn baby home.
But there’s a big difference between buying a gift or even ordering dinner for the new family, and volunteering your partner to do all the work, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SignalElectronic4254 was reasonably happy when she heard the news from her husband that one of his coworkers was pregnant and about to have her first baby.
But when he followed this up by saying that he had volunteered her to make dinner for the new family in lieu of purchasing a gift for the baby, the Original Poster (OP) was angry and felt her time and efforts were not respected.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to cook a meal for my husband’s coworker after she had a baby?”
The OP was surprised when she heard what her husband had gotten a coworker for their baby shower.
“My (32 Female) husband’s (33 Male) coworker’s wife is due to have a baby soon, and he was telling me how they had a baby shower at work.”
“I asked if he got them a baby shower gift, to which he replied he didn’t, but he offered him that we’d cook them a meal and take it to them once the baby arrives.”
The OP immediately knew who the husband expected to be responsible for that meal.
“Keep in mind this man does not cook. At all… I do all the cooking, and if he happens to reheat leftovers of something I cooked a day before, he believes that he fixed the dinner for our son.”
“Literally, when it comes to food or kitchen tools, he acts like a newborn. Even when he puts dishes away, I can’t relax, because I’m hit with, ‘What’s that? Where does this go? Where is this one kept?’ It’s exhausting.”
“He’s the type of guy to open up the fridge, barely give himself a chance to look inside, and then ask, ‘Do we have any mayo?'”
The OP was furious about the implication.
“When he said that, I just responded back with, ‘Are you cooking?'”
“He was pretty annoyed with my response.”
“Keep in mind I have never met these people before and I might have agreed if I knew them or if he even asked me if I was willing to do it before just offering my labor to them.”
“I work full-time, and even cooking for my own family is exhausting.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were frustrated the husband tried to put the responsibility on the OP.
“Volunteering your cooking without asking you first was a big oversight. It shows a lack of understanding about what you’re already handling. Expecting you to prepare a meal for someone he hardly knows isn’t fair at all.”
“Cooking should be a shared responsibility, and a quick chat before making those kinds of promises would definitely help. Open communication about who’s doing what can really make things run smoother.” – IIIIIIIllustrator9282
“NTA. That is some lazy misogynistic nonsense right there. I wouldn’t even suggest an alternative or offer any solutions. This is all on him.” – boundaries4546
“NTA. He offered the meal, so he can d**n well cook it for them. If he doesn’t want to do that, he can get them takeout out of his personal funds.” – MouseAndLadyBug
“Ah yes, the age-old gift of My Wife’s Time.” – madempress
“His gift, his effort, his responsibility.” – ChaoticCapricorn
“NTA. Your husband is being lazy. He didn’t want to go to the trouble of finding a gift, so offering your services cost him nothing personally. I always look at this as the husband p**ping the wife out.” – TheAlienBlob
“Your husband really dropped the ball here. It’s frustrating that he thought it was okay to offer your cooking without even checking with you first. It shows a lack of consideration for your time and effort, especially since you’re already juggling a full-time job and taking care of your own family.”
“Expecting you to step up for someone he barely knows is not cool, and he should’ve recognized that cooking is a shared responsibility in the household. It would have been better if he had discussed it with you first rather than making assumptions about your willingness to help out.” – recyclopath_
“Honestly, after having a baby, I preferred take-out/delivery cards. Arranging a time to be available and decent while in the trenches and really needing help was overwhelming.”
“The only one I didn’t mind was a coworker calling to drop off a box of shelf-stable snacks at the door. Nuts, dried fruit, jerky, etc.”
“The message was literally, ‘I know you don’t want to see anyone, so there’s a box of snacks at the front door, please let me know when you’re bringing the baby for a visit, I’d love to be there.'” – thesaradoodle
“Aww, your husband is so CUTE, still living in an elementary school world where he can just bring home a party invite, and his mommy, now wife, can handle his RSVP, and a random, wrapped gift will just appear for him, alongside a perfectly curated outfit of course, for him to take to the party and just have fun…”
“This is all sarcasm, of course. NTA. Your husband, on the other hand…” – Connect_Adeptness520
“Honestly, I’d MUCH rather be given a DoorDash gift card to use on ‘those’ days. As a society, we have to move away from the gift of the casserole. No one wants it.”
“Someone dies? Fridge full of casseroles. New baby? Congrats! Here’s a casserole in weird Corningware; by the way, I need that back with all the burnt cheese (IS THAT CHEESE?) scrubbed off.”
“We need to, as a society, as a whole, stop the giving of casseroles to people celebrating a new life or grieving the loss of one. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY, PEOPLE. USE IT!” – Miserable-Age3502
“NTA. He didn’t bother getting a gift for the shower, but instead volunteered your time and efforts to cook? No no no.”
“Looks like he should get them a gift card to a good takeout place or pick some up and bring it to them. It’s all on him to figure out and do though.” – Jerseygirl2468
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to continue to stand up for herself.
“I make a point of refusing to do things for which I’ve been voluntold. I’d likewise make a point of refusing to attend the event or trip controlling spawn points booked for us without consulting me first.”
“All about boundaries. We teach people how to treat us. Your husband needs a lesson. Nothing says he takes you for granted quite like…” – Impossible-Balance11
“I have gone through the same situation but with tres leche cupcakes. I had made them for our family function and suddenly my husband volunteers me for his work.”
“I suggested to him that I can walk him through the steps so that at any time he wants to take them to work so that he knows the process. It’s funny how he stopped offering to bring them into work after that…” – Puzzled_Fly8070
“Being volintold is not something I ever accept. I would have also asked him what he is cooking and if he can’t cook then he needs to remember to go pick up a nice dinner and deliver it to them all by his little self.”
“He made the promise to provide a meal and he certainly can and does not have the right to volunteer your time or labor.”
“When I have been voluntold things, I just ignore them and let the chips fall where they may, and when asked, I ask, who was the person to volunteer me for something without my agreement, to go ask them and leave me alone about it.” – ConfusedAt63
“I would’ve said, ‘Wow, that’s really nice of you. What are you going to make them?'” – Maximum_Weekend427
“You’re not an AH for refusing to cook a meal for your husband’s coworker. It’s important to communicate your boundaries and expectations clearly with your husband while also recognizing that support for new parents can take many forms.” – goldribbonbaby
“You’re not being unreasonable, and it’s important for your husband to recognize the importance of communication and mutual agreement when it comes to tasks like these.” – princessmargarita
“Setting boundaries around your time and energy is important, especially when it comes to tasks that others take for granted. You’re not wrong to stand up for yourself here.” – Caticorncaticorn
“I would have said, ‘That’s kind of you to offer to cook for her. Maybe you can cook for your own family too once in a while. That would take a lot off my plate.'”
“The audacity of men! NTA.” – Maleficient_Virus_556
“NTA for refusing to cook a meal for your husband’s coworker without prior agreement. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect that your husband should consult you before offering your time and effort to someone you don’t know, especially considering you’ve just had a baby and are managing a full schedule.”
“Your response was valid given that he doesn’t typically contribute to cooking. It sounds like a conversation about expectations and boundaries around such offers is necessary to prevent misunderstandings in the future!” – Isabel_343117
The subReddit couldn’t stop fuming over how the husband had volunteered his wife’s time and efforts in lieu of getting his coworker a simple gift for her and her newborn.
If the husband wanted to do something for his coworker, it was clear he either needed to learn how to cook, or he needed to spend a little money from his personal expenses to cover for the task he’d wrongfully expected his wife to do on his behalf.