When a couple plans to have children, the excitement is shared, but the physical changes aren’t.
But for the things that can be shared, what are the rules?
Preparing the baby’s room, attending a baby shower, and telling friends and relatives about the pregnancy can all be shared.
But do they have to be?
A husband asking that question turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Not-psychic-husband asked:
“AITA for wanting to share our pregnancy news with my parents, without my wife?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Me (37, male) and my wife (33, female) learned that she is about 8 weeks pregnant. We are delighted but also terrified. It is the first time for both of us.”
“She has asked me not to share the news with anyone until we get to about 12 weeks when the pregnancy will be stable. So I have been keeping it, even though I really want to share the news with everyone around me.”
“A key detail is that we are currently in a long-distance relationship: she lives in the same country as her parents, while I am an expat and live alone. She will move in with me and to our new house in one month.”
“She is not physically joining my family. I also live very far from my folks. We will both be away from our families—but have each other. Just to clarify.”
“She decided that she would like to tell her parents about her pregnancy before she leaves her home country so that they can share some of the joy while they are together. This way she can also do one of the ultrasounds with her mother and experience this special connection.”
“This is all understood, and I told her I support her in how she wants to handle the pregnancy information. She did share it with her parents, and they were overjoyed—the house is in a festive mood, they cannot stop smiling and laughing, etc…”
“I am still under an information embargo, though.”
“I did ask her to let me share with a couple of select people for my own mental sanity since I really needed to be able to open up to a friend. She was fine with it.”
“Now to the drama. I asked her if I could also tell my parents, to which she responded that she preferred me to wait for 12 weeks.”
“By that time we will have moved in together in the country where I live. I said fine, but then she asked me that we reveal the news to my parents together, she and I.”
“I can honestly not tell why, but I would like to tell my parents myself. There are no other grandchildren in our family, and I have been living away from home—like three continents away—for the last 12 years.”
“So, in my mind, I really want to share this with my mom and dad and also have the same ‘joyous family moment’ like she did.”
“She and my parents do not share a common language and communicate via translator app. I have learned her language—my parents have not.”
“My wife took it badly.”
“I think she feels excluded or that I do not want her to somehow be part of my family? Which on my part is absolutely not true.”
“I just feel like I do not want this to be a joint announcement sort of situation. I want it to be intimate between me and my parents, and right after, we could all have a joint video call or whatever.”
“She is very upset. I reminded her that we did not announce to *her* parents jointly.”
“She is saying that I did not express any desire to do so (which is true; I did not even think of it) … but since she is clearly communicating *her* desire to me, it is different, and I should hear her. Sure, but I still want this to be my moment with my parents.”
“When I say it out loud, though—’I want to announce our pregnancy to my parents without my wife’—it sounds wrong. Somehow, it is like I have this righteous feeling of possessiveness over a piece of news/information. I am conflicted.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I asked my wife to let me announce our pregnancy to MY parents, without her being present … just like she did to HER parents, without me being present.”
“She believes that this excludes her and invalidates her as a family member, especially since we come from different cultures.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“YTA. Having a child is a joint venture, and she will be doing all the heavy lifting for the next 9 months.”
“You are acting like she told her parents without you there just to have a special moment to herself and you KNOW that’s not what happened. You know it was done under special circumstances.”
“If you were living there, you’d have probably been involved. So don’t act like some child getting upset because someone else got something they didn’t.”
“Seriously, why would you want to announce this to your parents without the woman you supposedly LOVE and who is actually carrying the child?” ~ TheSciFiGuy80
“YTA. Were you going to fly back to her country to share it together with her parents? She’s moving to your country; you can wait and share the joy together, whereas it was difficult to do that logistically with her parents.”
“This is a good opportunity for you to be selfless.” ~ Top-Personality1216
“YTA—you want to announce your wife’s pregnancy without your wife being there. How would you feel if she wanted to talk about your medical history with her family without you present?” ~ JustSomeHuman2
“YTA. You want to announce your wife’s MEDICAL CONDITION without her there.”
“We really need to stop viewing pregnancy as a spectator sport or public event and remember that it is a medical condition that ends with a medical procedure.”
“Hubby and I made one exception to the 12wk rule our first time around, and it wasn’t even made for our parents but for a family friend who was a mother and a nurse/midwife. we were at a party, and I wanted to confirm if something was safe for me to eat.”
“The woman who is pregnant gets to say when and how people are told.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“Why on earth would you want to announce it to your parents WITHOUT the mother of your child there?”
“That just makes absolutely no sense. She’s the one carrying the baby! YTA.” ~ AsparagusOverall8454
“She didn’t really have a choice but to tell her parents without you there if she wanted to tell them in person and needed support with appointments.”
“You have a choice. Don’t treat her like an incubator. YTA.” ~ Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
Although some gave the OP some grace on his reaction and motives.
“I think deep down he feels this is not a ‘translator app’ moment. I get it, the fear of the moment being lost by the need to put this into the translator app, then having to translate it back etc…”
“If the family is answering and expressing joy, OP may want to be in the moment rather than busy translating everything being said for his wife.”
“It’s going to be very easy for the wife to be/feel excluded and I assume he knows his job is going to be to slow everything down and make sure wife can follow the conversation. I’ve been in similar situation before.. and you end up a little bit of a chaperone.”
“It’s your job to make your partner feel included, and your focus is always on the partner and their needs.. you don’t really get to have much of a conversation of your own. NAH.” ~ BerriesAndMe
In the comments, the OP agreed with the judgment.
“Thank you for the input, people; I do get the message that I am the AH here. It does seem, in retrospect, like scorekeeping.”
“Which was definitely not my intention but I may have been doing it unintentionally/unconsciously. I think I just replayed in my head several times how I would tell them, and how they would react with joy … and I had always visualized this just as me and my parents.”
“I felt my wife was trying to ‘control’ how I shared that information and reacted defensively. I’ll need to course correct.”
Thank you for locating the root of the problem. I could not properly explain why it was that I wanted to have this moment with my partents first, and you may be right.”
“Probably, unconsciously, I wanted to monopolize the attention and positive vibes. Dang, it does make me look like an idiot.”
“I think you are right about me being a bit hurt and wanting to have equal treatment. But saying it out loud it sounds ridiculous, and I should grow the hell up.”
“I’ll call my wife and apologise for being an emotional idiot.”
“Thank you for seeing where I was coming from! I did get completely tangled up in my own emotional turmoil though, and needed a sanity check. Reddit delivered.
“Also, as a bonus, I got to tell 1000+ people that I’ll be a dad, and that is also a huge relief.”
It sounds like alls well that ends well.
Congratulations to the OP and his wife.