Toxic relationships unfold in a lot of different ways.
Many manipulators begin gaslighting people or controlling them while they’re at their most vulnerable. Domestic violence is the biggest risk during pregnancy. It is more common than any diseases.
So, it is important to keep your eyes open to the way your partner acts and if you see any red flags look for help immediately.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call (800) 799- SAFE (7233).
Redditor AdNo173 encountered this very issue with her husband. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I ask my doctor to explain pregnancy hormones to my husband?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I are expecting our first child and we are both really excited.”
“Despite the excitement, I am really struggling: episodes of depression, morning sickness, tired but crazy insomnia, and altogether just not feeling like myself.”
“I do the best I can with it (still working 12 hour shifts in healthcare, cleaning, cooking, etc).”
“My husband is a very supportive partner mostly BUUUTTTT I had a mood swing where he said something small that hurt my feelings causing me to cry. It usually wouldn’t make me cry so I said ‘I’m sorry I’m crying these hormones are insane’ and my husband stated ‘pregnancy hormones aren’t real, and pregnant women use them as an excuse to act crazy.'”
“I have explained it to him, sent articles to him, and tried to have honest conversations about how I’m feeling with him but he has made it clear this is an opinion he stands by.”
“We have an appointment today and I want to ask my doctor to explain it to him hoping that hearing it from a male OBGYN might give him some clarity.”
“However, I don’t want to make him upset or cause more problems (we are military so it could open up some problems for him…. IYKYK).”
“So will I be the a**hole?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA,”
“But I fear for your child if your child is a girl….” ~ Odd_Meet_8632
“I would not want them and do you honestly think he will coparent with her?”
“OP has said this is not the first thing and she decided to have a kid with him anyways so probably ask her that.”
“I would have dumped him a long time ago. Not even getting close to marriage and having a kid.” ~ Rangeela-re
“I would recommend parenting classes. Most hospitals offered them pre-pandemic. It can help him understand what’s going on now and what may come those first months after birth. He’s being an AH (not you), but it might be due to general ignorance.”
“I’m assuming you’re American and in huge parts of the US removing sex ed would be better than what is actually taught given the misinformation or secular talking points provided.” ~ ihertzwhenip
“He’s an adult who has been presented with valid medical literature/articles from his wife explaining what’s happening to her body. He refuses to accept anything other than what he believes.”
“This isn’t ignorance, it’s pure stubbornness and/or a way to attempt to control OP’s behavior. Parenting classes won’t do a damn thing.” ~ tiredofpatriarchy1
“Look, thing is that partners/husbands often show their true colors after marriage / during pregnancy because they think they have the woman trapped now.”
“He sees you (and any other woman) as a manipulative woman who wants to try to control and lie to him, however he is the intelligent man who will not allow that.”
“He doesn’t trust you, he doesn’t trust papers. Ask the doc to explain it to him. If he escalates because he feels you are trying to embarrass him, I wouldn’t wonder.”
“You don’t have a man here, you have a a man with the mentality of someone very much younger and immature, who doesn’t like women. You’ll get more of this treatment.”
“PPD? Doesn’t exist. Changing diapers? Women’s job.”
“Look I am not clairvoyant, it’s just that he was so explicitly clear.” ~ ButterfliesandaLlama
OP added a comment.
“Just for clarification, I said in life he has never said something like this.”
“But in this pregnancy (my only pregnancy to date) it has not been isolated. I was NEVER aware of this behavior until it showed its ugly head.”
“I want to be a mom and would not abort it.”
“Please do not speak on my marriage and my part on it when you misread and/or misinterpreted. Of course if I would have known this I wouldn’t haven’t married him. This is brand new to me as well. Don’t be calloused and assuming.” ~ AdNo173
“Hey OP – a lot of time, a partner’s true colors come out when they feel like that have you tied down (moving in together, marriage, pregnancy/birth of a first child.) My dad didn’t start beating my mom until I was born, after 5 years of marriage and 4 of dating.”
“He was also military, fwiw.”
“Just be on guard, OP. Best of luck, and NTA.” ~ scrimshandy
“OP, I have almost thirty years’ experience in volunteering with victims of domestic violence (all genders, but victims of spousal violence are a very big share).”
“In my experience, unacceptable behavior often begins for the first time after pregnancy, or after the woman gives birth. Usually victims think this is a temporary issue, and gradually end up knee-deep in trouble.”
“I’m not suggesting your husband fits the pattern, simply that you shouldn’t think that this is harmless or temporary simply because it’s new. All the best to you.” ~ KoomValleyEverywhere
“Domestic abuse is incredibly likely to start during pregnancy. It’s one of the biggest risks to getting pregnant.” ~ AnonymousRooster
If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can find the necessary resources with The National Domestic Violence Hotline or call (800) 799- SAFE (7233).
OP should take a hard look at her relationship and look for any red flags.