Even though “family is family,” there are countless reasons why family members may choose to go no-contact with each other.
But their estrangement may leave some innocent bystanders caught in the crosshairs, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
After a feud over family inheritance, Redditor Mryrc56 was no longer on speaking terms with his son and was not invited to his wedding.
But when his disabled wife was still invited and wanted to go, the Original Poster (OP) made it clear that he would not be attending, which made the travel arrangements more complicated for his wife.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for not driving my wife to our son’s wedding since I’m not invited?”
After an inheritance feud, the OP and his son were no longer speaking.
“My son had his wedding days ago.”
“We had some past issues that affected our relationship.”
“We’re not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother’s home (my wife’s mother, my mother-in-law) instead of keeping it.”
“He sent his mom an invitation but didn’t include me. I was fine with that, didn’t try to fight back or anything.”
Their relationship impacted the OP’s wife, however.
“But I refused to drive my wife to the wedding. She’s disabled and cannot drive, and we live three hours away.”
“I said that since I’m not invited to the wedding, nor am I taking part in it, then I shouldn’t have to drive there.”
“My wife told me I was being unreasonable and that I was punishing her for our son’s decision.”
“I told her it was on her to make travel arrangements since she’s an adult. Or, he could’ve provided proper means of transportation for her and not assumed I’d go there when I’m not welcome.”
A rift was developing in the household.
“We had an argument and she ended up being taken there by my brother.”
“She refused to speak to me upon her return, and my brother said I was in the wrong for letting her fend for herself when my car and I were available.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were angry with the OP for not helping his wife attend her son’s wedding.
“There are things you do when your partner cannot. I have driven and helped my partner when disabled. I have completely changed my life for my partner at times due to extenuating circumstances and my partner has done the same.”
“We would have gone and gotten a hotel for the night and made a nice trip of it. That is what decent, respectful, adult partners do. YTA.” – holisarcasm
“I’ve done exactly this for a wedding I wasn’t invited to…”
“In what way would anyone be uncomfortable? I brought my charged phone, I brought a crochet project, and I googled establishments in the area I could go to if I got hungry.”
“I was more comfortable NOT having to go to a wedding…”
“The man I did this for? He’d have never done the same for me.”
“My new spouse has already. He rocked up to this wedding after a 12-hour shift working in a kitchen and driving two hours to get me.”
“For the two weeks prior, I insisted I could Uber home. I didn’t want him to go so out of his way for me.”
“He did though because he’s awesome. I love him, he loves me, and we show it in this way every chance we get.”
“All I have is pride for this, and I feel sorry for people who don’t understand because I remember what it was like having a spouse that didn’t think helping me was worth it to him even when that’s all it did for him. His loss. I see the karma he deals with now.” – Knight_of_Nilhilism
“It’s not about the son. It’s about helping his wife, who is DISABLED.”
“I understand it would be a pain to do the drive if it was only the wedding, but make a nice weekend away out of it.” – regus0307
“She’s right, you were punishing her because of your son’s decision. If she hadn’t been able to find an alternative ride, then she would’ve been trapped at home and unable to go.”
“You would’ve forced her to miss something really important because your feelings are hurt and your ego is bruised.”
“Forget the drama with your son, this puts you in the bad husband category.” – CrystalQueen3000
“Obviously, she can make her own arrangements because she did, but if I asked my spouse for a favor and they told me I’m an adult and can figure it out by myself, I’d be pretty hurt.”
“What kind of way is that to treat someone you love? My husband and I would never, ever treat each other like that.” – lionheartedthing
Others theorized the OP was angry about not inheriting his Mother-in-Law’s house.
“The OP left so much out about what happened before the wedding invitation arrived. We’ve got two actions on the son’s part: Sold house and Disinvited dad from the wedding.”
“And zero actions on dad’s part.”
“When I hear stories like that from my kids, I always tell them the next sentence needs to start with the word ‘I…’ followed by a verb.” – carrie_m730
“The OP’s wife is disabled, which is probably why the son inherited instead of his mother, so his dad couldn’t claim the money as his.” – issy_heatin
“I bet Dad is ticked because his wife didn’t inherit the house and the son had the audacity to make his own decision about it and not just give it to Dad.” – Wonderful_Weird_2843
“OP is not answering questions, so clearly, there’s a much larger back story as to why his son went no contact with him.”
“The son apparently sold the home of his maternal grandparent, not OP’s parent. OP’s wife was still invited and wanted to go, so there is more to this story than revealed.”
“OP, your wife is disabled. It was the wedding of your and her son, and she wanted to go. It was time to pull up your big boy pants. YTA.” – 1biggeek
“Since we don’t have much to go on about the house, I’m going to WILDLY speculate and wonder if the home in question was a vacation home of some sort. Beach house/lake house/desirable city/something along those lines where OP wanted to still have access to it.”
“I’ve seen the warning against buying the ‘family’ vacation home, especially if you’re planning to use it as your primary residence or as an income property, because of conflicts with family members who don’t own it but still feel they have a stake in it/right to use it.” – throwaway_thyroid
“There are so many things missing here that I would have to assume are just OP’s imagined slights his son did against him. The biggest of which was… his son selling a house that his son inherited?!”
“I get not wanting to drive six hours round-trip for something that he’s not invited to, but this is his wife who has a disability, trying to get to a son’s wedding when there is a huge relationship strain most likely due to OP’s actions.”
“Maybe just drive her to the wedding? Or help her arrange something in the first place, so she didn’t have to stress and panic and have the brother eventually help. Could have just reached out to the brother in the first place and been a reasonable person.” – vancitymala
But some thought it was too much to ask for the OP to drive without an invitation.
“I love my partner, but I’m not driving six hours, plus waiting for him to attend an event I’m not invited to.”
“His brother was easily able to take her. OP’s wife is mad that her husband didn’t take her, but it was possible for her to go. Partners compromise.”
“How uncomfortable do you think it would be for the husband to drive to the wedding but be unable to enter when all his family is there? It’s best he stayed home.” – Sufficient_Hippo3541
“OP’s wife is also an adult and most likely had months to make arrangements for transportation. The fact that she just expected OP to cave and take her despite the level of inconvenience and discomfort is astounding. NTA.” – Fierywitchburn333
“The son could have made arrangements for her. I sure as h**l am not wasting a day of my life chauffeuring my SO (significant other) to and from an event I’m not invited to. And I can’t blame OP for not doing so.”
“I think a lot of contextual information is missing, and it’s highly probable OP is an a**hole in general, but the way this is presented and in this particular instance, I don’t think he is one.” – Qariss5902
“She knew when she got the invite hubby wasn’t invited as well. She had time to make an arrangement to catch a ride. It’s unreasonable to expect him to hang out for hours upon hours while his wife attends an event he’s purposefully excluded from.”
“Plus, if the feelings are that hard all around, I expect no one would want him within miles of the venue.”
“I feel he’s likely the AH for a lot of other things, but his wife getting a ride is not on him in this instance. His wife knows she’s disabled, his wife knows she can’t drive, and his wife knew and accepted he wasn’t invited. The logic puzzle that she should work on getting a ride is easy to solve.” – Amazing_Cabinet1404
“She is essentially asking him to drive six hours and then stay hours alone watching from the outside his son getting married in a ceremony that he was not invited to.”
“He can (and appears to be) an AH. It does not make asking something like that okay.”
“Especially, given that there were other people that could simply drive her to the wedding (like the brother).” – No-Acanthaceae-1209
This is one of those scenarios where the subReddit may have walked away with more questions than they had when they started reading this post.
But based on the information provided, the subReddit was pretty evenly split between those who would drive their significant others simply based on principle and others who felt the wife needed to be an adult and make her own travel arrangements.
No matter the rating, however, the OP’s wife has now seen what her husband will be like in social situations like this one and should absolutely plan her travels if she wants to attend family events in the future.